Blurred Lines
by sheepish123
Summary: Sequel to "Get Hurt". Amanda faces a long road to recovery after everything she has been through and Olivia is there to help her pick up the pieces. Very dark. Trigger warnings inside. Amanda/Olivia pairing.
1. Chapter 1

**This story is a sequel to "Get Hurt" so please read that one first. :) It will be dealing with the aftermath of violence and rape, with references to self harm, so please be aware of that, if these things trigger you. Amanda is very damaged and fragile after what happened in the previous story, so things will be dark again, but I'm going to try to add some lighter scenes as well. This will also deal with Amanda and Olivia's budding relationship, so there will be some sexual content. Just a reminder that this takes place in season 17, but Dodds, Noah, and Jesse don't exist in this universe.  
**

xxxxxxxxxx

" _Undo this storm_

 _Undo this storm_

 _Undo this storm and wait_

 _I'll be the calm_

 _I will be quiet_

 _Stripped to the bone, I wait."_

xxxxxxxxxx

Olivia knows she is dreaming; is aware that she is trapped in that murky, grey area between sleep and wakefulness, but can't seem to pull herself out and is unable to open her eyes to reality. She struggles to make it stop; the images, the screaming, the blood, but the scene continues to play out before her and she is helpless.

She is in the coffee shop with Amanda and Eric, standing in the corner, watching in terror with her feet frozen to the floor. Amanda is lying naked on the ground, her clothing scattered around her, the man on top of her as her colleague cries out in pain and pleads for help while he pushes into her. The part of Olivia that knows this isn't real, that it didn't actually happen this way, is overtaken by the part of her that just stands there, not moving but just observing, her eyes brimming with unshed tears.

Amanda is moaning and calling her name over and over again, and Olivia desperately tries to make a move, any move at all, but still she is frozen, watching as Eric presses the gun to the blonde detective's head. Her mouth is moving in a soundless scream and there is nothing she can do when he pulls the trigger, when Amanda goes still, when the blood of her friend spatters onto her face and rains steadily down her cheeks like crimson tears.

"Amanda," she whispers, her heart broken and a pain flooding through her that she has never felt before, the dripping blood more insistent and coming from above now, Olivia's brow wrinkling in confusion.

She raises her head to look up and is overcome with an immediate relief. She is in her own bedroom, tucked safely into bed, the ceiling above her leaking water onto her head, like it usually does when it rains. She watches the liquid splash down, clear in color instead of blood red, and she sighs, feeling her rapid heart rate begin to slow down.

"Liv?" a soft voice beside her says, and Olivia rolls over in the bed to see Amanda curled up next to her in the shadowy morning light, blue eyes fixed on her in concern and brow furrowed slightly. "Are you okay? You just said my name. What were you dreaming about?"

Olivia doesn't answer for a moment, just staring back at her colleague and taking solace in the fact that Amanda is here beside her in the bed, safe and sound, the injuries from Eric completely healed and her face no longer baring the deep black and blue marks from her brutal assault. She feels spiky warm fur against one of her bare feet and knows Frannie is sprawled at the end of the bed, can hear her breathing deeply.

The wave of intense relief continues to flood through her and she smiles at Amanda, who smiles hesitantly back, one of her eyebrows raised slightly in question.

"I'm okay," Olivia replies, the dream world evaporating entirely now, and she is aware of the rain pattering against the windows, her stomach growling with hunger, the fact that they need to get up and start getting ready for work; and mundane reality has never felt so good. "Just a nightmare, but I can barely even remember it now."

"Okay," Amanda murmurs, sounding as if she doesn't quite believe her, but not pressing any further.

It has been six weeks since the incident at the coffee shop with Eric, since the day Olivia and Amanda had almost lost their lives, and Amanda and Frannie are still living here, having settled in so comfortably to life at Olivia's, it is odd to think that they haven't always been here, that she hasn't always shared a bed with this woman, hasn't always had a dog who greets her everyday after work as if she has been gone for years instead of hours. After all the upheaval of Amanda's transition here after being released from the hospital, it is now normal and seamless, just a part of everyday life, and strangely, it very rarely comes up in conversation, the fact that Amanda has never left.

When Olivia had said that Amanda was welcome to stay for as long as she liked, the other woman seemed to have taken that in the most literal sense possible, and she is still here all these weeks later. For someone who is so independent, who had chafed at being taken care of and being unable to do things for herself, for someone who had caused such an uproar in her rage of not being able to return home after the assault by Eric, she is now firmly ensconced in Olivia's apartment and daily life and it doesn't look like she will be leaving anytime soon.

Amanda had been cleared by her doctor to be on her own again several days after the hostage situation at the coffee shop, but has only returned to her apartment to pick up her mail and water the plants and bring more clothing and other items over to Olivia's. She had not asked Olivia if it was okay to stay longer than was medically necessary and Olivia had never said anything to the contrary, to make her feel that she was unwelcome here when her injuries had begun to heal and everyday tasks were once again able to be done with ease.

The night of the hostage taking, when they had been alone in Olivia's home afterwards, just the two of them and Frannie, they had shared her bed, both shaken to the bone and in desperate need of comfort, unable to retire to their separate bedrooms. They had huddled in each other's arms that night, embracing and crying, until they had both drifted off into a fitful sleep, haunted by nightmares of what could have been; and that was the way things had remained.

It has not gone beyond that point, their relationship very domestic but entirely platonic thus far, and neither one has made a move to take things any further. The brief kiss they had shared several weeks ago has never been spoken of again. Fin and Carisi are the only people who are aware of their current living situation and Olivia intends to keep it that way, at least for the time being. She knows there are all kinds of rules being broken, sharing a home and a bed with her subordinate, but she has remained silent on the subject and so has Amanda. For two people who could barely get through a work day without being at each other's throats, she and the detective now live and eat and work together with relative ease as if it has always been done this way, the situation with Eric having induced irrevocable change within their previously contentious relationship.

This isn't to say that there haven't been problems; certain issues that have cropped up in the aftermath. Olivia and Amanda had argued about Amanda's need to go to therapy, to speak with a professional about everything that has happened, about the reason why things had happened in the first place, but Amanda has been adamant on the fact that although it is something she will pursue in the future, she is just not ready to go down that road yet. After dancing around the subject for awhile and not getting anywhere, Olivia had backed off, trying to respect the other woman's need for privacy, to let her do things at her own pace and try not to control Amanda's life.

She knows the other woman still suffers from frequent nightmares, although that is not a subject that is brought up often either. She has awoken several times in the middle of the night to the smaller woman's intense sobbing, her pleas not to be hurt, and she never knows which way the situation is going to go. Sometimes Amanda is hungry for comfort, clinging desperately to her and not letting go until morning, and other times she is remote and unreachable, crying out in fear if Olivia even attempts to touch her. During the day, the small detective carries on with her routine as usual and doesn't seem amendable to discussing her night terrors, so Olivia has also tried to back off in that respect. It is hard to watch things unfold right in front of her while still feeling at a distance, but she is learning how to do things differently and is trying very hard to let Amanda call the shots.

Amanda is now back at work full time, having just recently started taking baby steps out into the field again. After being off work for three weeks, she had been driving them all crazy with her boredom and complaining and her need to get back into the action, and had returned to the precinct even though her doctor had suggested taking another week off. She had started out on very light desk duty and had slowly progressed from there, having gone through rigorous testing to make sure the symptoms of her concussion had subsided and the vision in her injured eyes had been restored to normal, before being able to have access to her gun again.

Amanda had been unable to return to her usual gambling addiction support group, had not even been able to set a foot in the door because that was where she had met Eric, but has found another group close to Olivia's place and goes there once a week for meetings. Her alcohol intake had been a bit out of control in the weeks leading up to the final showdown with Eric, but as far as Olivia knows, she has not been to any bars since she has been staying with her and has not even had a single drink.

Eric is still languishing in prison, and there have been preparations for an upcoming trial. Amanda never speaks of him or asks any questions unless she has to deal with her lawyer, but Olivia has been secretly keeping tabs on him and knows he won't be winning rewards for good behavior anytime soon. He has been violent and aggressive with the other inmates and had spent the first week in prison in withdrawal from the drugs had been taking regularly before his arrest. New charges have since been added to the already extensive list, after he had assaulted both a prison guard and a fellow inmate in the same day. She is sure that more charges will be filed in due course, since he seems unwilling or unable to control his violent outbursts.

"Liv, are you ever going to get this leak fixed?" Amanda asks with a sigh, and Olivia looks over to see the other woman staring up at the ceiling with a frown on her face. "This is getting ridiculous. It's worse now than it was when I first got here. Look how much water damage there is now." She wipes a drop of moisture off her face and points upwards and Olivia can see how badly it has been neglected.

She moves closer to the smaller woman in the bed, a sudden impish feeling overtaking her. "Why don't you get it fixed?"

"Me?" Amanda looks at her in confusion, her frown deepening. "Why would I get it fixed? This isn't my apartment, I don't live here."

Olivia raises her eyebrows. "Don't you?" She lets the question hang there for a moment, staring at the blonde woman, and Amanda stares right back at her before pulling the covers over her head.

Olivia bursts out laughing, the noise alerting Frannie who suddenly pokes her head up from her spot at the bottom of the bed. "You know for such a badass detective, you have quite the immature streak," she teases, poking the other woman gently in the side. "You can be such a big baby sometimes."

There is complete silence for a moment before Amanda throws back the covers and a pillow comes sailing though the air, slamming directly into her face.

"Thank you for proving my point," Olivia says, still laughing and throwing the pillow back at her.

This is all it takes to get Frannie going, and the dog is now leaping all over the bed in an excited frenzy, barking loudly and her tail whipping Olivia sharply across the cheek.

"Oh, Amanda, look what you started," she groans, trying to gently nudge Frannie off the bed and onto the floor.

" _You_ started it." Amanda's voice is muffled, having thrown the blankets over her head once again.

"So utterly immature," Olivia sighs, rolling her eyes and poking her in the side once more.

Amanda's head peers out from beneath the covers, blonde hair wild, and the smaller woman sticks her tongue out at her.

Olivia gives another laugh. "You just keep proving my point over and over again, sweetheart."

They spend a few more minutes in bed, tossing the pillows around and playfully arguing, and Olivia notices that Amanda doesn't actually address the situation of she and the dog still living here, but she decides to ignore it. Frannie's behavior is becoming more frenzied and out of control, and finally they have to stop horsing around and get up before there is a complaint from a neighbor. Amanda feeds and walks the dog quickly while Olivia showers, and then gets ready herself before they drive to the precinct together.

Because Amanda arrives at the station with Olivia now, she has not shown up late even once since returning to work, and Fin and Carisi have taken it upon themselves to react with mock surprise every time Amanda walks in the door on time. Amanda has been a good sport about it, rolling her eyes and shooting right back at them with her snarky comments, but Olivia wonders if she is actually bothered by this. She is the only one who knows the real reason why Amanda had continually shown up late to work previously, having been so worn out from the constant nightmares and trying to keep herself awake that it had made her physically ill.

Today is Friday and there has been talk all week of the four of them going out that night to celebrate Amanda's return to work. So far the smaller woman hadn't committed one way or the other, but now Olivia listens as her three squad mates make plans for the evening to meet up at one of the local bars and have some food and a few drinks. She feels a little uneasy about this and would prefer to just have everyone over to her place for a barbecue instead of going to a bar, but Amanda now seems to be looking forward to it so she finds herself agreeing.

xxxxxxxxxx

It is mid evening when Olivia and Amanda arrive at the bar, Fin and Carisi already in a booth near the back, drinking from bottles of beer, and they are greeted with big smiles as Amanda slides into the booth next to Fin and Olivia takes a seat on the other side with Carisi.

They order food and drinks from the waitress and Olivia watches the smaller woman across the table as she chats and laughs easily with the guys. Amanda seemed to have taken great pains getting ready that evening, spending so long in the bathroom showering, putting on makeup and doing her hair, that Olivia hardly had any time to get ready herself. She has to admit that the smaller woman looks beautiful, her long blonde hair hanging in a glossy curtain down her back and the tight blue dress she is wearing hugging her curves in all the right places and bringing out the gorgeous color of her eyes. She seems more confident, more content than she has in awhile, and Olivia is glad, watching her giggle and roll her eyes when Carisi tells a particularly vulgar joke.

Amanda's eyes meet her own across the table and the smaller woman arches a brow, the corner of her lip lifting up in a slight smirk, and Olivia realizes she has been staring at her for quite some time. She looks away, trying to ignore the blush climbing up her cheeks, and when she glances back Amanda is still looking at her, that smile more broad now and her blue eyes dancing with mischief. Olivia smiles back, her heart rate picking up a bit, and takes a hasty swig from her bottle of beer, relieved when they are interrupted by the waitress baring a large tray heaped high with food.

That same uneasy feeling overcomes her again when she notices how quickly Amanda is downing the beer, like she seems in a hurry to get as drunk as possible, but she tries to ignore it, reminding herself that the detective is an adult, and Amanda more than any of them deserves a night to kick back and unwind and have a little fun.

Olivia feels herself loosening up as it gets later into the evening, having imbibed in more than a few drinks herself and the alcohol settling nicely into her system, the four of them having traded the bottles of beer for the giant pitchers that seem to arrive regularly at the table. She can tell she is not quite as drunk as the other three, especially Amanda, but she is feeling more carefree and slightly giddy, glad that they are enjoying a fun evening out together after all of the trauma and darkness of the last several weeks.

Fin and Carisi are trying to one-up each other with the most ridiculous stories of the different criminals they have dealt with and the crazy situations they have found themselves in over the course of their careers, and the tales are so over the top that Olivia can't stop the continuous laughter that is bubbling out of her. Amanda is laughing so hysterically on the other side of the table that she reaches up to wipe away tears, and Olivia catches her eye again and grins at her.

Amanda grins right back and they hold each other's gazes for a long moment, the raucous noise of the bar dimming in Olivia's hearing and Fin and Carisi's voices becoming muddled as she concentrates on the woman in front of her, Amanda's cheeks pink from laughter and alcohol and the warmth of the room. She looks healthy and happy and Olivia has a sudden flashback to the night the smaller woman had shown up at her building, beaten and incoherent, and the difference between then and now is stunning.

Her thoughts remain there for a minute, that awful night in the hospital with the blonde detective and the morning in the coffee shop a few days later, Amanda's grin fading slightly as they continue to regard each other, and Olivia can see concern in her hazy blue gaze. She shakes her head and runs a hand through her thick brown hair, not wanting to go down that road right now, and gives the other woman a reassuring look. Amanda's smile is back in place and her hand brushes against Olivia's when they both reach for a nacho at the same time.

The story competition is still raging between Fin and Carisi, and Fin is telling a particularly outlandish tale of an arrest he had made before coming to the Special Victims Unit, when Olivia feels a foot nudging hers underneath the table. She looks over at Amanda but the blonde woman is completely ignoring her now, her attention focused entirely on Fin, and Olivia shakes her head with a smile. She nudges her back with her own foot, feeling light and silly, and sees the corner of Amanda's lip curl up slightly. They remain there with their feet pressed together beneath the table until Carisi suddenly announces that he needs to throw up, and they decide to call it a night.

The four of them stand outside together on the rain drenched sidewalk, waiting for cabs, and Carisi excuses himself to vomit into a nearby trashcan.

"Wow, that's classy, Carisi. You know the bar has a bathroom, right?" Amanda snickers and then suddenly stumbles over her own feet, Olivia reaching for her to hold her up.

"Now who's the classy one?" she murmurs into the smaller woman's ear and Amanda gives a drunken laugh, holding onto Olivia tightly, seemingly very unsteady on her feet.

"Wow, these two can't hold their liquor," Finn chuckles, throwing an arm around Carisi as he rejoins them, looking pale and sweaty. "You alright there, buddy? You gonna get home okay? Or do you wanna crash at my place tonight?"

"Oooh, Fin wants to have a sleepover," Amanda giggles. "Carisi, you might get lucky tonight, man."

"Shut up, Amanda," Fin mutters, amid everyone's laughter.

"Hey, it's nothing to be ashamed of," Amanda says, slurring slightly and her grip around Olivia's waist tightening. "Liv and I are having a sleepover tonight too."

"Isn't every night a sleepover for the two of you?" Fin murmurs to Olivia, and she fixes him with a withering look, feeling a blush creeping into her face again.

"Okay, now you're the one who needs to shut up, Fin."

He smirks at her, giving her a knowing look, and she turns away with Amanda still hanging off of her, hoping to see a cab coming down the road and glad they are only a few blocks from home.

When they are in their respective cabs, Olivia and Amanda heading in one direction while Fin and Carisi head in the other, Olivia leans back against the seat and sighs, closing her eyes. "Well, that was a fun night, but I'll be glad to get back home."

"Yeah, me too," Amanda replies, snuggled up closer to Olivia than is necessary in the roomy backseat. "I'll be _really_ glad to get home."

Olivia feels a small hand on her thigh and opens her eyes, looking over at the other woman with one eyebrow slightly raised. Amanda is gazing back at her innocently, looking angelic in the moonlight, blonde hair gleaming, big blue eyes wide open and fixed intently on her, pink lips curled up into a small smile.

"You're so pretty, Livvy," the smaller woman says, her fingers dancing suggestively against her thigh.

"And you're so drunk, Mandy," Olivia teases, feeling a tendril of heat curl through her. She shifts farther away from her on the seat, feeling the sudden need for space, but Amanda follows her, pressing herself more firmly into her side.

"Amanda," she murmurs, a note of warning in her voice, and the other woman lays her head on her shoulder, wrapping an arm around her waist, either choosing to ignore Olivia's tone of voice or too drunk to pick up on it. "Slow down there, honey."

"Hey, don't stop on my account," a deep male voice says, and Olivia raises her gaze to the mirror, the cab driver's dark eyes looking back at her. "I'll charge you less if you two wanna get busy back there."

"Oh, jesus," Olivia mutters in disgust, relieved that they are pulling up to her apartment building.

"Dude, that's so gross!" Amanda shrieks, laughing loudly. "You know we're cops, right? Can we arrest him for that, Liv?"

"Let's go, Amanda," Olivia says briskly, tossing some money to the cab driver and hauling the other woman onto the sidewalk, feeling like her skin is crawling.

Amanda is leaning heavily against her and giggling uncontrollably as they make their way across the lobby and into the elevator. Olivia is thankful they are alone as the other woman is quite loud and she feels the sudden urge to laugh herself, the silly, joyful, drunken sounds emanating from her colleague becoming quite contagious.

By the time they stumble into her apartment and collapse onto the couch together, Frannie prancing around in front of them, they are unable to get themselves under control, wave after wave of hysterical laughter overtaking them until tears are running down Olivia's cheeks and she feels like she might be sick if doesn't calm down. The alcohol and the general mood of the evening is infectious and she wipes the tears of mirth from her eyes.

Finally they are quiet, trying to catch their breaths, and Olivia looks over at the other woman, frowning slightly when she sees the solemn expression on her face. Amanda has been so ridiculous and happy all evening and the sudden seriousness throws her for a loop, and she lays a concerned hand on her arm.

"What's wrong?"

"Liv, why are you so good to me?"

"What?" Olivia's frown becomes deeper. "What do you mean?"

"You let me and Frannie stay here for so long and you take such good care of us." Amanda is looking at her in the dim lamplight, her blue eyes glittering and squinting a little as if it is hard for her to focus. "Why?"

"I like having you both here," Olivia murmurs, brushing a hand through the smaller woman's hair. She knows she has had a bit too much to drink, the alcohol making her feel bolder, and feels the need to be completely honest as she stares into the other woman's eyes. "I don't want you to leave."

Amanda smiles at her, reaching out a hand to gently stroke Olivia's cheek. "I don't want us to leave either," she murmurs. "I like living here with you. I feel safe with you. And I want to say thank you."

Olivia's heart rate picks up as she watches the blonde detective get up from the couch and climb onto her lap to straddle her, short blue dress hiked up around her thighs and her arms looped around her neck. She wraps her arms around Amanda's back and they sit there for a moment, looking at each other silently, before the smaller woman lowers her head and meets Olivia's lips with her own.

Olivia's heart is pounding now and Amanda feels so good in her embrace, so warm and soft, and she deepens the kiss, pulling the smaller woman closer to her. Amanda hums into her mouth and Olivia can feel her hands gliding through her hair, and then the blonde detective shifts slightly, pressing a knee between her legs.

Arousal floods through her and she pulls away, breathless, starting to feel out of control again but in a different way now, and she knows they need to slow down. She grasps the smaller woman's face gently, pulling her away so she can get a better look at her.

"Amanda, we've both had a lot to drink, you especially. Maybe this isn't such a good idea."

"Please, Liv, I need you," Amanda says softly, her lips quirked up into a suggestive grin, pressing her knee more firmly against her.

The alcohol is making Olivia's head spin slightly and she is suddenly so turned on, she is finding it hard to resist the other woman's advances. But Amanda is so drunk, she doesn't feel right about the situation and she tries to pull away further, the other woman's arms locked around the back of her neck now.

"Honey, I think we need to slow down," she replies, smoothing her hands over Amanda's hair and down over her shoulders.

"Oh, come on, Liv," Amanda pouts. "Don't be such a tease. What can I do to change your mind?" Olivia feels the smaller woman lean down closer to her, plump lips right against her ear.

"You can hurt me if you want," Amanda whispers.

Olivia freezes, her stomach dropping sharply, and she grasps the smaller woman around her upper arms, harder than she means to, and moves her off of her lap, plunking her down onto the couch beside her. "Amanda, you've had too much to drink," she states, her voice flat. "It's time to call it a night."

The smaller detective is laughing again but it sounds hollow now, devoid of the joy and silliness from earlier. "I just meant that you can knock me around a little if you want, get a little rough. It's not a big deal, Liv."

"I know what you mean, Amanda." Olivia is sitting there rigidly, staring straight ahead, her thoughts whirling, and she watches as the other woman gets unsteadily to her feet.

"Geez, sorry," Amanda mutters. "I'm just trying to liven things up a little. I thought it would be okay."

"What on earth would make think that it would be okay?" Olivia's voice is stern and she is on her feet now too, staring hard at Amanda. "Why would you think that I would want to hurt you?"

Amanda is staring back at her now, looking uncertain, and Olivia sees the shame wash over her expression. She softens her tone, feeling contrite, and takes a step toward her. "Honey, this isn't okay."

The smaller woman steps back, her eyes shimmering with tears as she looks at Olivia. "You think I'm disgusting because of the things I've done. You think I'm a whore. That's why you don't want me."

"Amanda, no," Olivia says softly, taking another step toward her and holding out her hands. "Honey, we've both had a lot to drink and I think we just need to go to bed and talk about it in the morning."

"You think I'm ugly," Amanda continues as if Olivia hasn't even spoken. "The things that the man...Eric...did to me, made me ugly."

The blonde detective looks small and fragile, standing there trembling in her short blue dress, tears beginning to slip down her cheeks, and Olivia's heart aches.

"You're not ugly, you're beautiful," she replies gently, her words completely honest. Even with the tears and makeup streaking her face, her blonde hair mussed and her cheeks flushed from alcohol and emotion, the other woman is gorgeous.

"No, I know I'm ugly," Amanda whispers. "I'm ugly inside and out." She turns around and pads into the bathroom, closing the door quietly behind her.

A tear spills down Olivia's cheek and she sighs, sitting back down on the couch with Frannie's head in her lap. She can hear the smaller woman's soft sobs from the other room and she covers her face with her hands, wondering why everything always seems to go wrong.

xxxxxxxxxx

 _*Song lyrics are from Of Monsters and Men "Thousand Eyes"_


	2. Chapter 2

Amanda is crouched over the toilet bowl in her underwear, vomiting relentlessly as beads of sweat roll down her temples, impatiently wiping the tears from her flushed cheeks. The copious amount of beer that she had consumed earlier that night is making her head spin, the room whirling around her in a kaleidoscope of color and she closes her eyes, willing the constant dizziness to stop. She had long ago ripped off the blue dress that she had been so proud to wear out to the bar, the heat from the alcohol and the incessant vomiting making it impossible to remain clothed.

She slumps onto the floor and leans wearily against the wall, exhausted and breathless, her stomach seeming to unclench for the time being, and she hopes she is done being sick for now. She feels like she has thrown up every single morsel of food she has ever eaten, and there is a sour, stale taste inside her mouth.

Amanda has sobered up enough to realize the ramifications of her earlier interaction with Olivia, and her face burns with embarrassment, with shame and regret, and she is so used to these emotions now, so used to feeling this way, that she wonders if these feelings have become a permanent part of who she is.

Everything had been going so well, the evening out with her co-workers a great success, and it had felt wonderful to let loose, to actually have fun, to joke and to laugh and to be carefree, to flirt, feeling silly and lighthearted, her thoughts finally drifting away from Eric and Patton and Reese Taymor. She had been looking so forward to it, her first night out since the hostage situation several weeks earlier; had meticulously applied her makeup, made sure her hair was perfect, had spent ages trying to pick out the right outfit. Her injuries had finally healed, the bruises and the swelling fading, and it had been a relief to look like herself again, to recognize her own reflection in the mirror, to not have to hide her grotesque appearance behind baseball caps and sunglasses and long, baggy clothing.

And she had wanted to impress Olivia.

Amanda's thoughts are fixed on the older woman as she sits there with her eyes squeezed shut and her head in her hands, her stomach roiling uncomfortably again before settling back down. She had been desperate for the other woman to see her as normal person, someone who has been fixed, someone who is no longer a victim, someone who is capable of looking and acting the part of a successful police detective. But she knows this is a ridiculous thing to hope for as she is still living here in her boss' home, six weeks after the hostage situation. If she was really okay, had truly healed from her horrific experiences, she would have left a long time ago, would have resumed regular life at her own apartment, just she and Frannie, like it had been before.

Amanda has been trying to hide how bad things have been these last several weeks, how tormented she still is by the nightmares, by the flashbacks, which have taken on a new, horrendous tone now that she had come so close to losing her life that morning in the busy little coffee house. She has been doing the best she can to move forward, had been so eager to get back to work and resume her normal activities, had wanted to show everyone that she could move past this; the things she has done, the things that have been done to her, but it had all come crashing down that night, with one simple sentence.

She digs the heels of her hands into her closed eyelids, wishing she hadn't drank so much, let things get so out of control, the alcohol taking away her ability to speak and think straight, making her say things that she doesn't mean and making Olivia think she is even more screwed up than she already is. The image of the older woman staring at her like that, like Amanda had lost her mind, had scared her and had turned her off to the point of being entirely dismissed, is burned into her brain. The look that had been on Olivia's face is not one that she ever wishes to see again, that expression of hurt, of bewilderment, of what had appeared to her to be pity.

She feels young and stupid and immature around the other woman, like she is not good enough for her; to be in her home, to be in her presence, to be something more than just an employee-turned-friend. Amanda has tried her best to push down the intense feelings that have been overtaking her these past several weeks when it comes to her boss, but they had exploded out of her tonight; her need to be with Olivia in an intimate way. She had not just been dressing for herself when she had spent so much time getting ready earlier; she had wanted the older woman to see her as someone beautiful and desirable, someone she could possibly have a relationship with, and for awhile now she has been getting vibes from her boss, that Olivia might be leaning in the same direction as she is, but then she had gone and ruined it, just like she always does. Amanda is beginning to think that she possesses a unique and special talent for being able to screw things up.

She sits there slumped on the floor of the bathroom, overcome with feelings of despair and hopelessness, the alcohol still swimming through her system, and a part of her begins to wonder why she even bothers to try, why she just doesn't give up. They are all in her head now, Eric, Patton, Reese, Olivia. The guilt and the shame and the regret are so intense, wrapped around her and clinging so tightly to her, that she feels the sudden need to punish herself, to hurt herself, like she used to do with Eric.

There is a razor sitting on the edge of the bathtub beside her and Amanda picks it up with a trembling hand, holding it in front of her face and looking at it intently in the harsh florescent lighting. The words she had said to Olivia earlier, that she is ugly both inside and out, whirl through her mind, and she knows that she had spoken the truth, that the alcohol had nothing to do with it, that she deserves everything she gets.

Amanda is lowering the razor to her thigh when there is a sudden soft knock at the door. She is startled, hastily setting the item back where she had found it, and considers not answering for a moment, but knows that Olivia won't go away if she doesn't respond.

She tells the other woman to come in before realizing that she is still clad only in the lacy indigo-colored bra and panties set that she had picked out especially for the evening, her dress lying in a heap on the floor, and she doesn't even have time to grab a towel to cover herself before Olivia opens the door.

The older woman walks into the room, looking tired and rubbing at one of her red rimmed eyes, having traded the black dress she had worn to the bar for a white T-shirt and striped pajama bottoms. She halts in her tracks, staring down at her, and Amanda gazes back at her for a moment before looking away, pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around her shins.

"You've been in here for a long time," Olivia says quietly, not mentioning her state of undress. "I was waiting for you to come to bed but Frannie is in your spot now."

"She can stay where she is," Amanda murmurs, staring at the floor. "I'll sleep in the spare room tonight." Her heart clenches as she says the words; this will be the first night in six weeks that she won't share a bed with Olivia.

"You don't have to sleep in the spare room," the other woman replies gently. "My bed is your bed. It would be weird not to have you in there with me." She gives a short chuckle. "I don't think I would actually be able to fall asleep."

Amanda allows herself a brief second of amusement at this, still stunned at how much has changed between them over the past while; she didn't think Olivia could even stand the sight of her in the squad room a couple of months ago, but now her boss can't seem to make it through the night without her in the same bed.

She feels warmth flood through her for a moment and has the urge to get up off the floor and retire to Olivia's bedroom, snuggling up into the other woman's comforting embrace, but then remembers the reason why she is in here, curled into herself on the ground, and she is swallowed by shame once again.

"I should probably just be by myself tonight," she whispers, glancing up at the other woman.

Olivia is looking at her with concern and empathy and what appears to be disappointment, and Amanda can't tell if the disappointment is because of her earlier behavior or because she has just said no to sharing her bed. "If that's what you want, then okay," she says softly.

There is silence for a moment and Amanda watches as the older woman shifts slightly on her feet, looking like she wants to say something but seemingly hesitant about it.

"Are you okay?" Olivia finally asks. "How are you feeling?"

"Like hell," Amanda replies, the corner of her lip lifting up in a wry smile. "I don't think I've ever thrown up this much in my entire life."

"Well, you did drink a lot," Olivia says gently, sitting down on the floor in front of her and crossing her legs. "Why did you drink so much, honey? It's been a long time since you've had any alcohol, so you had to know that it would affect you more than it usually does."

Amanda shrugs, feeling heat bloom in her cheeks. "I just wanted to have some fun. I just wanted to forget everything for a little while."

Olivia nods, her expression sympathetic. "I get that, I do. But you went a little overboard."

"I know," Amanda mumbles, rubbing a hand over her eyes and resting her head on her knees. "I'm really sorry for what I said, Liv. I didn't mean it."

She feels a tender hand on her head, stroking through her matted hair.

"Are you sure you didn't mean it?" The question is spoken in a low tone, almost a whisper, and she raises her head swiftly, staring hard at the older woman.

"I just said that I didn't," she replies testily. "I was drunk, Liv. I still am. I didn't know what I was saying."

Her boss is regarding her in a pacifying manner, like she doesn't believe her but is trying to be gentle about it, and Amanda feels a swell of anger. "I didn't mean it, Olivia," she repeats firmly, her voice rising. "I would never have said you could do that to me, that you could hurt me, if I was sober."

There is a small part of her that knows this isn't entirely true, as she is overcome by memories of all the things she had let Eric do to her while she was sober. Amanda hadn't been drinking every single time they had been together in the motel room, and had been stone cold sober during some of the worst parts, some of the most violent and degrading and humiliating parts. She is overcome by an intense wave of nausea at the images in her head, and gets up on her knees to vomit into the toilet again.

She can feel Olivia kneeling behind her, gathering her sweaty hair away from her neck and rubbing her bare back in soothing circles, and she throws up several more times before collapsing against the other woman in an exhausted heap, her limbs feeling like jelly and her head spinning. Olivia is holding her against her chest, stroking her face with her hand, and Amanda raises her head to fix her with a desperate gaze.

"Why won't you believe me, Olivia?"

She doesn't want to be this way around the other woman, so vulnerable, such a pathetic mess. Her boss has seen her at her absolute worst many times over by now, and Amanda feels like they are never going to stop being in these kinds of situations, that they are never going to be able to be normal around each other, that they are never going to be equals. She just can't seem to keep it together, no matter how hard she tries.

"Sweetheart, the things you have been through..." She hears the other woman hesitate. "Trauma changes a person, Amanda. Sometimes it makes them do and say things that they wouldn't normally do, that they wouldn't have done beforehand."

"It was the alcohol," Amanda insists, pulling away from her roughly, exhausted and embarrassed and angry. She feels like Olivia is looking at her like a victim again, like she has ruined any chance there might have been to move their relationship forward, to take it to the next level, and she is heartbroken, a desolate emptiness filling her.

She gets shakily to her feet, wobbling unsteadily, and pushes the other woman away from her when she stands up as well, trying to help her regain her balance.

"I'm going to bed, Olivia. Goodnight." She doesn't even spare the other woman a backward glance as she strides out the door, trying to muster up as much dignity as she can in her skimpy bra and panties set.

Amanda practically falls onto the bed in the spare room, not even bothering to put on pajamas, just climbing under the covers and pulling the blankets up over her shoulders. Her chin is quivering and she tries to stop the spill of tears, just wishing for blissful unconsciousness, but they come streaming down her face anyway, and she tries to hold in a sob. It is so dark and lonely in here; she is not used to sleeping alone anymore, and doesn't know if she can fall asleep without Olivia and Frannie by her side.

For a second she feels slightly betrayed that her beloved pet has chosen to spend the night in her boss' bedroom instead of keeping her company in here, but then she sighs and closes her eyes, trying to shake off the loneliness and get some rest.

Her stomach seems to have finally calmed down and she feels so depleted, the fatigue overtaking her and sucking her deep into sleep.

xxxxxxxxxx

"Wake up, little bitch."

Amanda opens her eyes slowly, rubbing a hand over her face and then sits bolt upright in the bed, her heart suddenly pounding. Eric and Patton are standing at the end of the bed, looking down at her with twin smirks on their faces. She stares at them in confusion, and it is like someone has flipped a switch, going instantly from blissful sleep to sheer terror. She is rooted to the spot, unable to move.

There is utter silence in the room; the men don't speak or make a move toward her, and she continues to stare at them, the muscles in her legs twitching, the urge to flee, to escape, an overwhelming option, but she has this odd sense that if she doesn't move, they won't either.

"Olivia..." she murmurs in alarm, glancing toward the closed bedroom door. It is quiet in the apartment and she is doubtful that the older woman will be coming to her rescue.

Patton walks over to lean against the door, blocking any possible escape from that direction, and Amanda's muscles are coiled tightly, ready to spring up from the bed and try to defend herself. Her gun is in her boss' room, of course, since that's where she has been staying for the past several weeks, so she is on her own, nothing to defend herself with.

"Olivia!" she calls, sweat beading her brow, shifting uneasily in the bed and ready to bolt.

"Why are you calling for that cunt?" Eric sneers. "Who do you think let us in here?"

Amanda's heart drops. "W-what?"

"Who do you think let us in here?" he repeats, that smirk back on his face again. "She agrees with you, Amanda Rollins. She knows you deserve everything you get."

Her heart is hammering wildly now, feeling perplexed and betrayed, and her gaze is swinging back and forth between the two of them, these brutal men who have taken so much from her. She is surrounded now and not sure which way to run.

It is quiet again for a moment; the only sound in the room is her rapid breathing, and then Patton suddenly lunges at her from the doorway, followed quickly by Eric from the foot of the bed. She screams and and tries to roll away from them, but they quickly pin her down and she is at their mercy.

"Get off of me!" Amanda shrieks, struggling desperately against their strong arms. "Leave me alone! God, why won't you ever leave me alone?!"

There is a dark chuckle close to her ear. "We're never going anywhere, bitch. We'll always be here with you."

She feels hands roaming her body, the nausea overwhelming her again, and she makes one last frantic attempt to escape, breaking free from their grip and stumbling toward the window. She struggles to unlock it and throw it open, and she feels arms around her waist, pulling her away.

"No! No!" she screams, her movements frenzied, and she strikes out wildly at the person behind her, desperate to get away.

"Amanda! Calm down! It's me!"

"No, get away from me! Get away from me!"

"Amanda! It's me, it's Olivia!"

She is sprawled on the floor now, her limbs tangled up with someone else's, the person holding her breathing just as hard as she is, and she struggles again to escape, the words being spoken into her ear not penetrating for a moment.

"Honey, calm down, you're safe. It's not real, you're dreaming."

She goes still, the fight draining right out of her, but is still feeling confused and a bit drunk, and she leans back in Olivia's embrace, looking up at her accusingly. "Why did you do that?" she snaps, the shock and betrayal still strong. "Why did you let them in here?"

"There's no one else in here, sweetheart." Olivia's voice is soothing, although it is trembling slightly, and Amanda feels herself being rocked gently. "It's just you and me and Frannie."

She realizes that Frannie is by their side now, her tongue swiping across her cheek and licking up the tears she didn't know were falling.

"Are you alright?" Olivia is still breathing hard behind her and she feels the older woman's grip tighten around her. "God...Amanda...you scared the hell out of me, screaming like that. You were trying to climb out the window!"

Amanda doesn't answer and just stares at the floor, shaking violently in the other woman's embrace. It had all seemed to vivid, so real, and she can't seem to make her racing heartbeat slow down; can't seem to stop the images that are swirling through her brain, mixing together, and she struggles to differentiate from her nightmares and reality.

"You asked me why I let 'them' in here," Olivia says softly. "Who, honey?"

"Eric and Patton," Amanda whispers. "They won't leave me alone, Liv. I've tried so hard to move on, to get back to normal, to have a little fun, and it doesn't matter. Nothing I do matters. I can't get away from them."

Olivia's cheek is pressed against her own now, and she feels the other woman gently wipe a tear from her face. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I'm so sorry you're going through this."

"I don't think it's ever going to stop."

"It will, Amanda. It hasn't been that long since it all happened. You just need to give it some time." Olivia's voice has that slight tremble again and she knows she has upset the other woman and can't shake this constant guilt that she is screwing up Olivia's life, her boss never getting a break from her constant presence, from the intensity of her deep-seated issues, from the darkness that always seems to surround her, no matter how hard she tries to break free.

"No, I don't think it will," Amanda whispers in despair. "They broke me, Liv. I'm broken."


	3. Chapter 3

Olivia lays in the bathtub with her eyes closed, buried up to her chin in bubbles and trying as hard as she can to relax. It is late in the afternoon on Saturday, and she and Amanda hadn't gotten out of bed until close to noon, thanks to their middle-of-the-night adventures.

After waking up in an absolute panic due to the younger woman's screaming and then having that panic explode into sheer terror when she had seen Amanda trying to climb out of the bedroom window several stories off the ground, she had finally convinced the other woman to come back to bed with her, not wanting to let her out of her sight. It hadn't taken long for Amanda to drift back to sleep once they had been settled into Olivia's bed, but she had lain awake for most of the night, her emotions in a whirlwind and her thoughts spinning out of control.

She had rubbed Amanda's back and stroked her hair long after the smaller woman had fallen asleep, relieved that she was safe and having trouble keeping her hands off of her, desperate to protect her from the monsters in her head. Between Amanda drunkenly asking Olivia to hurt her the night before, the nightmare-induced sleepwalking, and the other woman's confession that she has been broken by the things she had been through at the hands of Patton and Eric, Olivia is both scared and heartbroken for the woman who has come to mean so much to her over these past several weeks.

She feels the need to bring up the subject of therapy again but doesn't know how to begin the conversation, how to approach this sensitive topic, since Amanda has been so against it in the past, so adamant on dealing with things on her own and not needing help. Any conversation at all seems difficult right now, as the smaller woman has barely spoken a word to her today and they have spent their day mostly apart, Amanda having taken Frannie to the park right after breakfast. She had looked so hungover, Olivia doesn't even know how she had made it out of the apartment without falling down, but Amanda had seemed to need some space, so Olivia hadn't said much when she had been getting ready to leave, Frannie dancing around eagerly with her leash in her mouth.

The blonde detective is clearly walking on eggshells around her because of the events of the previous night, and it bothers Olivia that Amanda still feels the need act this way around her after all this time and everything they have been through together. She has never had a deeper, albeit strange, relationship with anyone in her life, and she wants Amanda to be comfortable with her, to know that it's okay to feel whatever she needs to feel, that even if Olivia is angry and confused and hurt by certain situations, it will always be okay and she will always be here.

She has become more and more aware of the intensity of her feelings toward the younger woman over the past while, and she has to admit that they frighten her a little; she is not used to feeling this way for anyone, has never had such a strong connection with another person before, especially someone who she had been at such odds with in the past. The depth of feeling she has for Amanda is something she has tried not to dwell on, but it is becoming harder to ignore.

Olivia sighs deeply, wanting nothing more than to turn her brain off for just a little while, for her mind to stay blank and to just enjoy the peace and quiet and the rare time to herself, but she has to admit that she doesn't enjoy her alone time the way she used to. It seems like something important is missing.

She is drifting off to sleep when there is a sudden snuffling at the door to the bathroom, and Olivia realizes that Amanda and Frannie must be back from their walk and that she hasn't closed the door the whole way. The dog's head peers around the door frame and then Frannie is prancing into the room, sitting down on the bathmat in front of the tub.

"Hey, girl," Olivia says, reaching out a wet hand to give her head a scratch.

The dog sniffs her hand and gives it a lick, and she listens to Amanda shuffling around the apartment, dropping something on the floor and bottles clinking in the refrigerator in the kitchen.

"What's your mommy up to, huh?" she asks, continuing to rub Frannie's head and unable to keep her mind off of the other woman.

The dog licks her hand again and then puts her front paws on the edge of the tub, lifting herself up onto her hind legs.

"Frannie, no thank you," Olivia says, trying to gently push her away. "Down, girl."

Frannie gives a sharp bark, her tail wagging madly, and starts batting the bubbles around with one of her paws.

"No, Frannie," Olivia replies sternly, but the dog pays no attention to her tone of voice and begins trying to climb into the tub with her, one of her front legs slipping on the wet surface and landing into the water with a splash.

Olivia wipes the bubbles from her face, sputtering a little, and realizes the dog has climbed all the way over the edge and is now sharing the tub with her, trying to bite through a bubble that has landed on one her legs.

"Amanda!" she yells, unable to contain her irritation. "Can I get a little help in here?"

The dog is now bouncing around wildly inside the tub and Olivia's face and hair are completely soaked, bubbles clinging to her cheeks and sliding out of her brown locks, and she hears a hesitant knock and sees Amanda's face peer around the edge of the door frame.

"Oh, Frannie, no!" the smaller woman scolds, raising her eyebrows in surprise and hurrying over to the tub. "How did she get in here?"

"I didn't shut the door the whole way," Olivia sighs, and refrains from mentioning that she would much rather be sharing a bubble bath with Frannie's owner than with Frannie herself.

She can see Amanda's lips twitching slightly as if she is trying to contain her amusement, and notices the sideways glance in her direction and the slight blush on her cheeks, before the other woman looks away, her gaze focused solely on her pet now.

"Frannie, come on," Amanda orders sternly, her hands on the dog's collar, trying to tug her out of the tub with Olivia giving the animal a slight push from behind and intent on keeping the bubbles strategically placed over the upper half of her body.

"Liv, this floor is soaking wet," Amanda complains, and then promptly loses her balance, her feet skidding on the wet tiles and falling into the tub with Olivia and Frannie, a wave of water cascading over the side and dousing the floor as drops of liquid rain down the walls.

Olivia gasps and covers her mouth, hoping Amanda isn't hurt, and they sit there and stare at one another for a moment, the smaller woman now as soaked as Olivia herself is and looking a little stunned. She tries to stifle a laugh at the other woman's shocked expression, her drenched appearance, and is a little afraid of Amanda's reaction, wondering if the detective is going to burst into laughter or tears.

"Are you alright?" she asks timidly, barely trusting herself to speak and a small giggle escaping her mouth before she can stop it.

Amanda regards her in silence for a moment and then sighs, swiping a hand over her wet face. "Liv, if I have even a scrap of my dignity left by the time I'm done staying with you, it's going to be a miracle," she murmurs, and Olivia chuckles, feeling both amusement and concern and trying to ignore the tight feeling in her chest at the possibility of the other woman leaving at some point soon.

"It has also occurred to me that we've been spending far too much time together in this bathroom," Amanda states, fixing her with a serious look, and Olivia can't contain her laughter now, feeling the stress that has been wrapped around her like a vise loosen a notch, relieved that the icy, awkward silence of earlier seems to be broken.

"You are definitely right about that," she replies, and Amanda gives her a small smile.

Frannie leaps out of the tub and bounds out the bathroom, water and bubbles trailing in her wake, and Olivia groans tiredly, rubbing her hands over her face.

"Sorry, Liv," Amanda says softly, still sprawled in the tub next to her. "I think the two of us are getting to be a bit too much trouble for you."

"Well, I'm not going to argue that you're both a bit of a handful," Olivia answers, rolling her eyes. "You two certainly keep me on my toes."

"So, maybe..." Amanda looks at her and trails off, biting her lower lip uncertainly.

Olivia raises her eyebrows. "Maybe what?"

"Maybe it's time for Frannie and I to go back to our own place," Amanda murmurs, her gaze fixed on the water as she pokes at a bubble with one of her fingertips.

Olivia watches the other woman closely and feels so many conflicting emotions. Amanda is sitting there looking like a drowned rat, her pink stripped T-shirt clinging to her soaked skin and not leaving much to the imagination, somehow managing to look both vulnerable and adorable at once. She knows the other woman is trying to be serious with her, and it feels odd to still have the urge to laugh but to also be disappointed by the turn this conversation has taken, her heart clenching slightly at the thought of the detective not sharing her home anymore.

"Amanda, I've already told you several times that you're welcome to stay here for as long as you want," she says gently, trying to meet the other woman's gaze.

Amanda glances over at her, a blush rising in her wet cheeks. "But I've been here for so long now, Liv. It's getting a little ridiculous at this point, isn't it?"

Olivia stifles a sigh, wishing they weren't having this conversation in the bathtub, she without a stitch of clothing on and trying to keep herself covered in bubbles, and the other woman soaked to the skin and shivering, her clothes clinging to her. It figures Amanda would finally be amendable to having this discussion, to actually want to speak about something that has needed to be addressed for quite awhile now, but this is where they are. She finds herself wishing they were both curled up on the couch, warm and comfortable and wearing dry clothes, and that the other woman's dog was not currently tearing around the apartment, wreaking havoc in her soaking wet state.

Olivia winces as she hears a crash from the other room and watches as Amanda covers her face with her hands.

"Liv, I know you don't really want us here-"

"Amanda, stop," she interrupts sternly, before the smaller woman can continue. "You need to stop going down this road with me, honey. You know that I want you here with me, you know I don't mind when things get a little crazy; that it doesn't matter and we'll get through it. It doesn't automatically mean you have to leave, every time something happens. If I didn't want you here, I would have asked you to go back to your own place weeks ago." She reaches over and rests a hand on the other woman's shoulder. "You do know that, right?"

Amanda looks at her and again Olivia feels that twist of conflicting emotions; this situation is so ridiculous, both of them in the tub like this and Amanda fully clothed, but the blonde detective could not look more serious, her eyebrows furrowed and her mouth dragging down in a grimace.

"No, I don't know that, Liv," the other woman says softly. "I know you've been telling me that but I can't help thinking you're not being completely honest with me."

Olivia sighs. "Amanda, come here." Before she can give it too much thought, she is pulling the smaller woman into her arms, very aware of the fact that she is completely nude. She tries to shake off any embarrassment, figuring they have crossed the line with each other so many times over by this point, that it doesn't even matter anymore. "I want you here, okay? I enjoy living with you."

She pauses for a moment. "I don't ever want to you leave," she admits, her heart rate picking up at this confession, and as she says the words she knows them to be true. "Is that clear enough for you?"

Amanda looks at her, the corner of her lip lifting up slightly in a smile. "Well, I remember you saying something like that to me last night, but I figured it was the alcohol talking."

Olivia gazes back at her, one eyebrow arched. "Do you see any alcohol in the room right now?"

Amanda gives her a broader smile and then bites her lip, glancing away uncertainly again. "You don't ever want me to leave?"

There is still a twinge of doubt in her tone, mixing in with the hopeful grin on her face, and Olivia is wondering if she will ever be able to keep up with this woman's wildly swinging moods. She has never known anyone more up and down than the detective snuggled up against her, and knows that Amanda is going to need a lot more time to try and work things out, to try and come to terms with everything that has happened to her, and to try and regain all that has been lost. Olivia had only seen her confidence shine through again when she was drinking, the insecurity that had been wrapped around her like a blanket finally falling away, and she wants more than anything for Amanda to be able to climb out of this dark, destructive hole, to see herself as Olivia sees her, to know that she is wanted, to be able to be happy again.

She wants to be able to rid herself of this fear she has that Amanda won't be able to overcome all that she has been through, that she won't accept the help that has been offered, that the nightmares will continue worsening in their intensity, that the drinking might become out of control again, that she will slip back into that need for self harm, for punishment. Even though Amanda still hides a lot from her, she can see how much the other woman has been struggling, how difficult everything has been for her, but can also see how hard she is working to pull herself together, and her heart aches, feeling like she herself has been swinging back and forth so wildly with her own emotions.

"Amanda," Olivia states, looking the smaller woman in the eye, her tone of voice very firm now. "I want you to listen to me because I am getting very sick of repeating myself and I am not going to say it again. I don't want you to leave. _Ever_. Okay?"

They sit there in the tub staring at one another intently, Olivia's bare skin tingling where the detective's body is touching her own, their faces so close to one another that she only has to lean forward slightly to press her lips against Amanda's. It occurs to her that she has gotten her wish, that she is now sharing a bubble bath with Amanda instead of her dog, and she smiles against the other woman's mouth, pulling her closer as their arms wrap around one another and the kiss becoming more passionate.

Amanda's hands are roaming over her slippery wet skin, drawing circles across her bare back, her fingers tracing down her spine. The smaller woman pulls away for a moment, both of them breathless, and fixes her heavy-lidded gaze on Olivia.

"Thank you, Liv," she whispers. "Thank you for letting me stay here. I don't ever want to leave either. I love..." She pauses, her voice trailing off. "...living here with you," she finishes, and Olivia sees a pink stain spreading across her pale cheeks.

She smiles again, her heart thudding in her chest. "I love...living here with you too," she replies softly.

The are looking at each other again, gazes locked and no one speaking, and the air seems charged with tension. One of Amanda's hands is on her back again, the other sliding around her stomach and coming to rest just beneath her breasts. Olivia moves forward to capture the other woman's lips in another kiss and Amanda's hand is traveling slowly upwards, when there is a second, louder, crash from the living room.

"Amanda..." Olivia trails off, pulling away from the other woman and pinching the skin between her eyebrows, feeling a headache coming on. "Since we've decided that you will be staying here permanently, it might be time to look into some obedience classes for Frannie."

Yet another crash sounds, followed by a loud bark, and Amanda fixes her with a sheepish grin. "Yeah, that might be a good idea, Liv."

Olivia sighs and rolls her eyes, reaching over to pull the plug on the tub drain. "Come on, let's get out of here."

xxxxxxxxxx

They spend the rest of the day quietly, the mood between them pleasant and content, just enjoying their time together, and Olivia has chosen not to bring up any more heavy topics of conversation, deciding to skirt around the subject of therapy for the time being. She has a warm feeling in her chest; is indescribably happy that Amanda will be staying here on a permanent basis, and tries to ignore the niggling feeling in the back of her brain at the rules they are breaking by cohabiting like this. Her personal life should be no one's business but her own, and she tries to put it out of her mind for now, just wanting to concentrate on Amanda and make sure that she is safe and okay. The other woman seems more settled for now, her mood a little more buoyant, and she wants to keep things calm between them, at least for the time being. There is still much that needs to be discussed but the blonde detective is still tired and hungover, as is Olivia herself, and she figures they could both use a little down time.

She is in the kitchen, making popcorn for the movies they will be watching that evening, both of them clad in pajamas now, when she hears the smaller woman chuckling from the living room.

"What's so funny?" Olivia asks, coming into the room and taking a seat on the couch beside her, putting the bowl of popcorn between them.

"I think the sleepover at Fin's place was a success last night," Amanda smirks, her gaze focused on the phone in front of her. "Carisi is still over there, and the boys are having a movie night too."

Olivia snickers. "Carisi is still there? I'm surprised Fin hasn't kicked him out yet."

"Apparently they bonded over their mutual vomiting session during the night, and Carisi was too sick to go home, so he's been hanging out on Fin's couch all day," Amanda explains, reading the texts that are coming in from her partner.

"Oh, brother," Olivia replies, rolling her eyes. "Remind me never to go drinking with the three of you again. It's like hanging out with a bunch of teenagers who are trying beer for the first time. I'm the only one who didn't spend the night with my head in the toilet."

"Well, I think you have a little more class than the rest of us, Liv," Amanda murmurs, and Olivia smiles at her.

"I think you may be right," she chuckles around a mouthful of popcorn. She gives Amanda a sideways glance, recalling the other woman's drunken comment from the night before. "So I'm guessing Carisi didn't get lucky last night, then?" she jokes.

Amanda looks up from her phone and laughs. "No, I'm guessing he didn't, considering the excessive amount of vomiting going on." She pauses. "None of us got lucky last night, did we?"

"Nope," Olivia murmurs, a slight smile still on her face.

"Thanks to my bad behavior," Amanda whispers shamefully. "Sorry for ruining the night, Liv."

"You've already apologized for that, honey," Olivia says softly, concern spiking through her again when she recalls the smaller woman's offhand, chilling comment; like it hadn't even been a big deal, like it was just a normal part of sex for her.

"But you still don't believe me? That I didn't mean to say it?" Amanda is staring at her now, accusation in her tone, and Olivia sets the bowl of popcorn aside with a sigh.

"I don't know what to believe, Amanda," she responds honestly. "I know that certain issues, certain urges, don't just go away by themselves."

The other woman is looking at her with a hurt expression, all traces of humor gone now as that vulnerability wraps around her like a cloak again, and Olivia feels her stomach clench painfully. She has been the one who has been urging the blonde detective to talk about her issues, to get things out in the open and not keep everything bottled up inside, but now Olivia is the one who doesn't want to speak, who just wants to let everything be, at least for the rest of the night.

She feels guilt pierce through her chest at her inability to take Amanda at her word, but there is something about her behavior that feels off; that same feeling she was getting when the other woman was trying to hide the bite mark and bruises that Eric had inflicted upon her. She knows there are still deeper issues going on, that they have barely scratched the surface when it comes to the problems that still plague her when it comes to the long road to recovery, the other woman haunted by the past and unable to forgive herself.

Amanda starts to slide off the couch and get to her feet, and Olivia reaches out to grab her arm. "Come on, Amanda, don't do this," she pleads quietly. "You can't just start a conversation and then leave the room every time it's not going the way you want it to."

"Well, you don't even want to talk about it anyway, I can tell," the other woman mutters, standing there uncertainly in front of the couch with Olivia's hand still gripping her arm. "So why does it matter if I leave the room?"

"It matters because I want us to spend the evening together," Olivia replies gently, tugging the smaller woman back down onto the couch again.

"Sometimes I just don't get you, Liv," Amanda mumbles irritably. "You still want to spend time with me, even when I'm being a pain in the ass?"

Olivia feels a wave of frustration and affection for the other woman, and she pulls Amanda into her arms, the blonde woman's back against her chest as she hugs her close. "Yes, I still want to spend time with you, even though you are a _giant_ pain in the ass," she assures her fondly.

She hears Amanda chuckle and then feels her wince slightly when she tightens her arms around her.

"What's wrong?" she asks, frowning. "Sorry, am I holding you too tight? Did I hurt you?"

"It's fine," Amanda replies lightly. "It's not too tight."

"Amanda." Olivia pulls away from her, turning the smaller woman toward her, and immediately sees it in her expression; that avoidance, her gaze fixed firmly on the floor. "What's wrong?" she repeats, a little more forcefully now. "Are you hurt? What happened?"

"It's not a big deal," Amanda murmurs, still looking away from her. "I just hurt myself when I fell into the tub earlier. It was embarrassing, okay? Don't worry about it."

Olivia's concern has ratcheted up a notch and she has that same feeling again, like something isn't right, like the blonde detective isn't being entirely honest with her. "Can I see it?"

Amanda squirms away from her, like she had done that day in the cribs when Olivia had asked to see the bite mark that Eric had inflicted upon her the day before.

"Please, Amanda," she says softly. "I want to see it."

The smaller woman huffs out a resigned sigh and Olivia gets on the floor, kneeling in front of the couch as Amanda sits in front of her. The blonde woman is wearing an old football jersey as pajamas, and she grasps onto the bottom of the shirt, pulling it up to her ribs. Olivia's eyes travel up her legs, lingering for a second on her black lace panties and not seeing any suspicious marks, before her eyes fall upon the long red cut etched deeply into her toned stomach.

"Oh, sweetheart. This happened when you fell into the tub?" She fixes Amanda with a doubtful gaze, and then reaches out to carefully run a finger around the wound.

Amanda shivers and then nods, her head down and long blonde hair obscuring her expression.

"Well, what did you scratch it on?" she asks gently.

Amanda shrugs. "Your razor was sitting on the edge of the tub. Maybe it was that."

Olivia stares at her for a moment, dread blooming inside. "My razor? No, I moved that before I started my bath because I didn't want to nick myself on it. It's in the cupboard now." She looks at the other woman intently, reaching over to move the hair away from her face. "It looks like it was done by a razor, though. So how did that happen if the razor was in the cupboard when you fell into the tub?"

The smaller woman is silent with her shoulders hunched up around her ears, still refusing to meet her gaze.

Olivia grabs onto her hands and squeezes tightly. "Amanda," she says, a note of urgency in her voice now. "Did you do this on purpose? Are you hurting yourself?"

The blonde woman sucks in a shuddering breath and chews on the corner of her lip. "It's not that big a deal," she finally whispers.

 _"Amanda,"_ Olivia snaps, her tone very sharp now. "It _is_ a big deal. Talk to me, tell me the truth. Did you do this on purpose?"

There is another moment of silence before Amanda finally speaks.

"Okay, I did it," the other woman admits, her voice so low that Olivia has to strain to hear her. "I hurt myself on purpose. I did it when I took a shower earlier."

"Oh, honey." Olivia's throat feels tight, her chest constricted, and she blinks back a sudden onslaught of tears, willing them not to spill over. It won't help Amanda if she falls apart right now. "You've just healed from all your horrible injuries, and you're inflicting new ones on yourself?" It hurts to say the words and she swallows hard.

Amanda nods, looking away from her, that shame in her expression that Olivia can recognize all too well by now.

"Thank you for being honest with me, Amanda," she says softly, gripping the other woman's chin gently and turning her face back toward her. "How long has this been going on?"

"I just did it for the first time today, I swear. But I think about it all the time. I want to do it all the time. I almost did it last night." There is a long pause. "I still feel like I need to be punished." Amanda's eyes squeeze shut as she utters these words and then she opens them again, her big blue eyes fixed on Olivia and unshed tears clinging to her long lashes. "I need help, Liv."

Olivia looks at her, at a loss for words for a moment, her heart racing in her chest at this disturbing revelation.

"Okay," she finally whispers, pulling the other woman against her body and clutching onto her tightly as her heart breaks, glad that Amanda can't see the tears that come trickling down her cheeks. "We'll get you some help."


	4. Chapter 4

**Oh boy, so much for trying to add a few lighter scenes to this story! This chapter is very long and very dark and it is definitely rated "M" so please keep that in mind. I promise this story will lighten up a bit soon, but not quite yet. Amanda just has too many issues right now, and her behavior and moods are terrible and she is not too likeable in this chapter. She is eventually going to get better, though! I also promise to try to stop ending every chapter with someone crying, lol. When this story is done, I have plans to write a lighter fic and to take a break from the darkness for a bit. :)**

xxxxxxxxxx

It is late Monday morning at the precinct and Amanda is sitting at her desk, staring blankly at her computer screen; she has read the same sentence half a dozen times in a row and she still has no idea what it says. They had gotten a new case first thing upon arrival that morning, and Fin and Carisi are out in the field, interviewing friends of their teenage rape victim while she is stuck here, relegated to desk duty once again.

Olivia is in her office and Amanda doesn't even have to glance up to know that the other woman is watching her; has been keeping a close eye on her for the majority of the day so far. She is trying her absolute best to contain the fury that has risen within her at her current circumstances, but her hands are clenched into fists under her desk and she has to work very hard to control her breathing.

Amanda had finally taken a major step a couple of nights ago, confessing to Olivia what she had done earlier that day, having taken a razor to her stomach; and what she had wanted to keep doing, punishing herself for everything that has happened over the past several years and months with Patton and Reese and Eric; for everything that is happening now, her inability to be the person she so desperately wants to be, to be in control of her actions and emotions, to be the person that Olivia deserves to have a future with.

She thought she had been doing the right thing, finally getting one of her major issues out into the open before it got out of control again like it had with Eric, finally taking a huge step in her road to recovery, but as she sits here now, the anger at her situation burning inside her like a flame, Amanda realizes that she couldn't regret this decision more.

She had seen the departmental psychologist first thing upon arrival that morning, having been squeezed in at the last second due to Olivia's influence at the precinct; and despite her natural inclination to hide everything, to downplay the events that have led her here, she had opened up and admitted to what she had done on the weekend, to harming herself and wanting to do it again. It had actually felt good to talk about it, to release some of the pressure and tension that has been building up inside of her for so long, and there had been a sense of relief as she had spoken.

After chatting for quite some time, it had been decided that Amanda would be removed from field work for the time being, no longer having access to her gun, and that she would remain on desk duty until further notice with scheduled appointments twice a week to monitor what is going on and to give her some coping skills and an outlet for her self-destructive urges.

Despite Olivia's repeated assurances to the contrary, it feels like she is right back at square one. Amanda had worked so hard to get to where she had been, overcoming her injuries and going through rigorous testing, and it was such a huge relief when she had been allowed back out into the field with the rest of her team, to do what she feels she has been born to do, to help others and be a part of the action again. The joy she had felt at being back where she belonged, a part of the squad once more, has been sucked right out of her and she feels defeated once again, that emptiness wrapping its familiar embrace tightly around her.

When Fin and Carisi had teased her once again for actually showing up on time to work, Amanda had snapped back at them harshly, not in the mood for the usual back-and-forth banter that she enjoys with them, and had felt momentarily chastened, seeing the surprised and confused expressions on their faces. She is aware that Fin has been watching her almost as much as Olivia has and can practically feel the concern radiating off of him, but she had been evasive when he had asked any questions, Fin and Carisi both expressing more confusion after Olivia had told them that Amanda wouldn't be back out in the field for awhile. Her boss had been light on the details and she knows that both men want to speak to her, are curious and concerned, but she has said very little to either of them so far that day.

She is working on the case from her desk but is having trouble keeping focused, her thoughts spiraling out in all directions, and she frowns at her computer screen, determined to get through the sentence she is trying to read and for it to penetrate more deeply, for there to be some sense of understanding. Amanda is trying her best not to be angry with Olivia; knows that it is ridiculous and it is not the older woman's fault that she is where she is now, that all Olivia had done was listen to her and comfort her and pulled some strings to get her help as soon as possible. She should be thanking the other woman for all that she has done for her, but she can't help the resentment that spreads through her as she watches her boss through the office window, Olivia finally having turned away and pacing back and forth as she converses on the phone.

If only she hadn't admitted to what she had done, hadn't admitted to wanting to continue; if only Olivia hadn't been so damn concerned, poking her nose where it doesn't belong, like she usually does, urging Amanda so sternly to talk to her, to be truthful, to get things out into the open. If only she had just kept her mouth shut and tried to deal with it on her own, like she is so used to doing.

It has been an incredible and enlightening and somewhat disconcerting experience to have someone in her life who monitors her so closely, who is there for every single aspect and detail of daily living, who notices things about her that others do not, who cares like no one else ever has. She knows Olivia has been trying to change over the past several weeks, has been trying to let Amanda do things on her own terms and not pressure her, but that had all changed on Saturday with her revelation; things reverting back to the way they had been before, the older woman's usual inability to let things go, to just leave things alone, back at the forefront of their relationship.

Again she tries to convince herself that this situation is not Olivia's fault, that it is no one's fault but her own; knows that it is silly to feel this way but the anger is right there, simmering just under the surface, waiting to explode into rage, and she closes her eyes for a moment, trying to center herself and remain calm.

"Are you okay, Amanda?"

She is startled, her eyes flying open, and realizes that Olivia is now standing in front of her, regarding her with concern, and she frowns up at the older woman, just wanting to be left alone.

"I'm fine, Liv," she mutters.

"I know this hasn't been an easy day so far. Do you want to come into my office and talk?" Olivia is perched on the edge of her desk now, her hand briefly landing on Amanda's shoulder and giving her a light squeeze before pulling away.

"I think I've done enough talking to last a lifetime," Amanda replies, unable to keep the bitterness from her tone. "Talking never gets me anywhere good, does it, Liv?"

"Amanda, I'm glad you told me," Olivia says softly. "I know it doesn't look like it now, but you have taken a major step in the right direction here. This situation is only temporary. Things are only going to start getting better now, I promise."

"Are they?" Amanda murmurs doubtfully, one of her eyebrows slightly raised. "I'll believe it when it actually starts to happen, okay? I've had everything taken away from me when I've just gotten it back. I am so sick of all of this shit." She closes her eyes again, momentarily overcome with emotion, and feels Olivia's hand on her shoulder once more, her grip firmer this time. "What else is going to be taken from me, Liv? I've lost so much, and now I might as well not even be a part of this squad anymore."

"Amanda, you _are_ a part of this squad," Olivia whispers vehemently. "That will never change. You'll still be coming in here to work every single day, just like the rest of us. As I said, this is only temporary, until things start to get a little better for you."

"Until I'm not a danger to myself?" Amanda mutters with disdain, rubbing a hand across her eyes. "Do you guys really think I'm going to use my gun on myself? Was it really necessary to take it away from me?"

"Amanda-"

She looks up at the older woman and meets her intense gaze, cutting her off as she tries to speak. "I don't know how much more I can stand to lose, Olivia."

Her boss looks down at her, frowning in concern, hand still placed on her shoulder. "Amanda, please come into my office so we can talk-"

They are interrupted by the noisy arrival of Fin and Carisi entering the squad room with a suspect, a large man with dark hair and eyes, wobbling unsteadily on his feet and slurring his words, arguing in a loud voice with Fin, pulling against the handcuffs on his wrists and the arms of the men who are holding onto him tightly.

"Get the fuck off of me! I'll kill the both of you if you don't let me out of here!"

Amanda is immediately on her feet, moving toward them with Olivia to try to be of some assistance, when the man halts in his tracks, his unfocused gaze landing on her and his lips quirking up into a sly grin, the anger from a second ago replaced by something else.

"Heyyy, baby doll," he drawls, his eyes traveling slowly up and down her body, taking a step closer to her. "Mmm, you're a pretty little thing. Is it true that blondes have more fun?" He laughs drunkenly and takes another step in her direction, Fin and Carisi holding him back now. "How about you lose the clothes so I can see if the carpet matches the drapes?"

"Okay, asshole, let's go," Fin snarls, yanking him away roughly, he and Carisi manhandling him into an interview room and the door slamming shut behind them.

Amanda stands there for a moment, surprised at how shaken she feels from this very brief interaction, her heart thumping in her chest, and she realizes that all eyes in the room are now focused on her.

"Hey," Olivia is saying gently, reaching out to touch her arm, but Amanda backs away, not meeting her gaze.

"I need to use the restroom," she replies hurriedly, striding quickly out of the squad room with her head down, feeling the penetrating gazes of her co-workers on her back and wishing she could just sink into the floor and disappear.

Amanda is relieved to find the bathroom empty and she leans against the sink, bracing herself with her hands, staring at her reflection in the mirror, a little taken aback by the wild look of fear in her eyes. She has been in these kinds of situations so many times, suspects directing their disgusting comments at her, and she usually doesn't break a sweat, the confrontations rolling right off her back like they are nothing.

Now she stands here trembling like she has been physically violated instead of just listening to a few quick words uttered by a very drunk man, this brief interaction just a part of daily life for a woman in the police force, and she shakes her head at herself, in disbelief at far she has fallen, at how much she has changed.

Amanda hears footsteps outside the door and steps into one of the stalls, locking herself in and waiting, completely unsurprised when she hears Olivia's voice a second later.

"Amanda? Are you alright? What are you doing in there?" Olivia's tone has a slight tinge of panic to it, and she knows the other woman is very worried but is trying to remain calm.

"What do you think I'm doing?" she snaps back. "Can I have a little privacy, please?"

"You can have privacy when I know you're okay." The firm tone that Amanda recognizes all too well is back in the other woman's voice now, and she sighs, leaning her head against the stall door, knowing that she can't just hide in here for the rest of the day and that arguing about it is pointless.

She opens the door and steps out of the stall, Olivia striding over to her immediately, her hands on her upper arms, squeezing gently. They look at one another in silence for a moment, the older woman's compassionate gaze on her, and Amanda sighs again.

"I'm alright, Liv," she says quietly, stepping back from her boss, wanting a little space. "I just needed a minute, okay?"

She watches as Olivia reaches out her hand again to touch her and then seems to think better of it, her arm falling back down against her side. "I know the man out there scared you, Amanda. Are you sure you're okay?"

Amanda can hear the doubt in her voice and she knows Olivia can see right through her. She turns away from her, embarrassed and angry, feeling helpless at this situation and wanting nothing more than to just leave the building. She feels useless now, being trapped here in the squad room, chained to her desk and not allowed to carry her gun, unable to truly do her job and be out in the field where she belongs.

"Well, if you won't talk to me about what just happened, can we finish our discussion? I know you're upset with me, Amanda," Olivia says softly, when she doesn't answer right away. "I know this day hasn't gone the way you wanted it go and you're wishing you hadn't told me what's been going on. But honey, what was I supposed to do? You asked me for help, so that's exactly what I did; I got you some help. Was I supposed to sit there and ignore how much pain you're in; the things you're doing to yourself?" Her boss' voice has taken on a sharper tone now. "I'm not just going to sit back and watch you hurt yourself, Amanda."

"Okay," she murmurs in defeat, turning around again, her hands raised up in front of her in surrender. "I'm not mad, alright? Don't worry about it, Liv. I know you just did what I asked you to do. I'll get over it." She looks at the other woman, Olivia's gaze still boring into hers like she knows she's lying, and she takes a step back toward the stall. "Look, you kind of interrupted me, alright? I came in here to take care of some business, so do you mind?"

The corner of Olivia's lip lifts up in a slight smile, although she is still regarding her with a skeptical gaze. "Sorry. I'll give you some privacy. Just come back into the squad room when you're ready."

"Thank you," Amanda says, resisting the urge to roll her eyes as she retreats back into the stall and closes the door behind her again.

She waits there for a moment, listening as Olivia leaves the room, and then undoes the belt buckle on her pants, unzipping them and letting them pool at her feet. Her fingers find the razor mark high up on the inside of her thigh that she had inflicted upon herself that morning in the shower before work; an injury that she had neglected to mention to the psychologist or Olivia. She knows the other woman thinks she has gotten rid of all the razors in the apartment, but she hadn't seen the one tucked into the bottom of Amanda's toiletry bag.

She runs a finger back and forth along the scrape, wishing she still had the razor with her and feeling the intense need to hurt herself again because of the situation she is in now, because she feels weak and useless and embarrassed. Why can't she just stop ruining everything?

Amanda stands there for a few minutes, her head leaning against the door, touching the self inflicted wound, and then pulls her pants back up, resolving to be stronger, to not fall apart in front of her fellow officers because of some random drunk idiot. When she exits the stall, she looks at her reflection again in the mirror, staring at herself intently for a moment, and then leaves the bathroom.

xxxxxxxxxx

Amanda manages to make it through the rest of the day in a very composed manner, keeping her anger and frustration bottled up, trying not to pay attention when the drunk man is brought out of the interview room and again makes lewd comments towards her, ignoring the fact that Fin and Carisi leave the building yet again to go out into the field without her.

When they are all getting ready to leave, packing up their things for the night, the guys joking around with each other, obviously eager to ease the tension in the room and trying to include Amanda, Olivia walks up to her and smiles.

"Ready to go home?" she asks.

"Actually, no, not yet," Amanda replies, biting the corner of her lip and slinging her purse over her shoulder. "I think I'm going to head to a meeting first. I really feel like I need one right now. I'll be home in a little while, okay?"

"Oh, sure, okay," Olivia responds, and it looks the other woman wants to say something else, but Amanda can tell she is choosing to remain silent because Fin and Carisi are here.

"I'll see you later, Liv," she says, turning to walk out of the squad room. "See you tomorrow, guys," she adds, listening as Fin and Carisi murmur their goodbyes.

She starts walking briskly as soon as she leaves the precinct, the fresh air feeling good against her skin, ruffling her long hair away from her face, and makes sure she is a few blocks away before ducking into the closest bar and ordering a drink. When the alcohol is burning a path down her throat, she feels at peace for the first time that day.

"So is this where the Gamblers Anonymous meetings are being held now?" a familiar voice asks.

Amanda sighs and whirls around in her seat, Fin and Carisi standing before her. "You guys followed me here? Really? The two of you have nothing better to do with your time?"

"Nope," Fin says simply, taking a seat beside her and Carisi sitting down on her other side. "What's going on, Amanda? Why did you lie to Liv? Why are you back on desk duty?"

"Getting right to the point there, huh, Fin?" Amanda mumbles, and throws back another shot.

Fin's hand is on her shoulder and she can feel Carisi touch her arm, and for a moment she is actually glad they are here, her boys, two of the very few men in her life that she knows will always have her back and will never hurt her; two men she actually feels safe with.

But then the annoyance is back, that wish to be left alone, when Fin shifts closer to her and his face is right in front hers, waiting for answers, and she just wants everyone to stop butting into her business and let her have a little space, a little time to come to terms with yet another change in her life, to try and sort out all the complicated, conflicting feelings she has for her boss.

"Come on, Amanda, talk to us," Carisi says softly. "It's better than sitting here drinking alone, isn't it? I think you had enough to drink on Friday. This probably isn't the best way to start off a new work week."

Amanda looks at him and snorts. "Says the man who had so much to drink, he was throwing up into a garbage can on the street the other night? Yeah, you're a good one to take advice from, Carisi."

She is satisfied when her co-worker at least has the decency to blush, turning away from her for a moment; and she has the urge to dig harder, to poke more fun, but she tries to stifle it as she orders yet another drink, trying to push down the anger and the meanness that is bubbling within.

After several seconds of silence, Amanda stands up from her chair abruptly, already feeling a little dizzy from the alcohol she has consumed in an impressively short period of time. "Look, I know you guys mean well, okay? I appreciate your concern but I really just need to be alone for a little while. I don't want to talk about anything right now." She looks at Fin intently and can see the worry shining in his eyes. "Can you please respect that?"

"Yeah, I guess so," he replies with a sigh. "We can respect that." He pauses briefly. "For now," he adds, his gaze stern. "But if you're going to stay here and drink alone, we're staying too, Amanda."

"Go home," Carisi urges gently, his hand on her elbow again. "Work things out with Liv. It's obvious that something has happened and you're upset with her. Don't sit here and stew all night."

"Okay," Amanda murmurs. "I won't. I'll go home." She looks at them, her gaze slightly challenging. "Are you satisfied now?"

"Nope," Fin answers shortly, and she rolls her eyes.

"Fin, just let it be," she says softly. "I'll be okay. I'm just trying to work things out. I'll see you guys tomorrow."

Amanda reaches over to hug both of them quickly, appreciation for their concern mixing in with her annoyance, and she leaves the bar before they can say another word. She hails a cab and rides for a few blocks before getting out again and stopping in at a little pub on the corner. She is not ready to go home just yet.

xxxxxxxxxx

It is very late when she finally takes a cab back to the apartment, and tries to enter without making much noise, but is quite unsteady on her feet and almost falls over when she opens the door and stumbes inside, Frannie greeting her eagerly like this is just another day, like nothing is wrong.

Amanda stops short, noticing Olivia sitting on the couch, regarding her in silence. The other woman is dressed for bed, her dark hair loose around her shoulders, her expression one of pain and worry and something indefinable, and Amanda is taken aback by how beautiful she is; caught off guard by how much she wants this woman, the raw intensity of her feelings towards her, how attracted she is to her boss, despite the resentment still swirling through her. She wants to keep her anger at the forefront, doesn't want to feel this way about Olivia, and she tries to push it down.

"That was a really long meeting," Olivia says quietly. "Funny, I didn't know they served alcohol at Gamblers Anonymous."

"Jesus, Liv, I'm allowed to have a damn drink every once in awhile, okay? I'm not an alcoholic," she snaps, that rage rising to the surface again, that need to lash out, to inflict pain on someone else because she has so much of her own, she just can't stand it anymore. "This is all your fault, you know that? I don't know why I tell you anything, why you just can't keep your nose out of my damn business."

"You need to stop doing this, Amanda. Stop doing this to yourself, stop taking your anger out on me. All I've done is do what you begged me to do, which was to get you some desperately-needed help." Olivia is standing up now, and she can see the sheen of tears in the other woman's eyes. "Why are you punishing me for helping you, for wanting you to be safe?" She pauses and takes a deep breath. "Amanda, I feel very... _deeply_...for you and it's killing me to watch this self-destructive behavior, and I don't appreciate you continually taking everything out on me. It's not fair."

"Well, life isn't fair, Liv," Amanda murmurs in response. "I should know that better than anyone."

"So you're just going to keep feeling sorry for yourself, then?" Olivia shoots back at her. "You're just going to keep falling further down this black hole? Well, I can tell you that this isn't the Amanda I know; the tough, strong detective who always picks herself back up, who at least _tries_ to bounce back when the chips are down."

"Really, Liv, I should just bounce back?" Amanda sneers, feeling the rage boil over. "I should just carry on with life like nothing has happened, like nothing is wrong, like everything isn't completely different now?" Her voice falls to a whisper. "Like I'm not just this useless, weak, waste of space?"

She watches Olivia close her eyes for a moment and then take a step toward her. "Honey, that's not what I meant. I didn't mean you should just carry on like nothing has happened, like things are just going to magically be okay again. I just meant that you need to keep trying, that you can't just give up every time something goes wrong, that sometimes things have to get worse before they get better, that the bad parts are only temporary." She is staring at her now, that intense gaze fixed upon her, and Amanda looks away. "And you are not a waste of space. You are the most important person in the world to me, alright?"

Amanda's throat is tight and she covers her face with her hands, a bout of dizziness overtaking her, and doesn't say what she is thinking; that she feels the same way, that over the last couple of months Olivia has slowly become so much more to her than a co-worker, a boss, a friend, and that she has never felt closer to anyone in her life, has never had a relationship this meaningful and deep. She had almost blurted something out to her in the bathtub on Saturday, something she has been feeling but hasn't wanted to voice, her intense feelings frightening her, afraid of the rejection, knowing the devastation would be something she would never get over. Even now while drowning in her own anger, she wants the other woman so badly, it hurts; a spike of arousal mixing in with everything else.

She turns away, feeling overwhelmed, staggering down the hall to the bedroom they now share, the alcohol making her head spin, the walls seeming to move like waves, and she stands there for a moment in confusion, before feeling Olivia's gentle hand on her arm.

"Amanda, talk to me-"

"Why do you always want to talk, Liv?" she mumbles, pulling away from her and unbuttoning her blouse, letting it fall from her body and land in a heap on the floor. "There are so many other things to do besides talk." She reaches behind her to unclasp her bra, tossing it to the floor with her shirt, and then glances at Olivia, feeling a stab of satisfaction when she sees the other woman's dark gaze fixed intently upon her, lust peeking out through the worry and frustration.

Amanda leans down to peel her pants and underwear off in one fell swoop and then hops up onto the bed, sitting there expectantly, waiting to see what Olivia is going to do. The older woman steps up to the edge of the mattress and they regard each other intensely for a moment, no one speaking. Amanda reaches out to put her hands on Olivia's hips and pull her closer, the other woman standing between her legs now, her calves wrapping around the back of the brunette's thighs.

"Amanda, you're drunk and we're both upset," Olivia whispers.

Amanda smirks. "Yeah, so? It makes even better, doesn't it?" She pauses. "I'm not so drunk that I can't give consent. You have my permission. Do whatever you want to me, Liv." Her heart is pounding as she looks up at the older woman and she runs her tongue over her lips, her body taut with anticipation, feeling wet with heat and arousal, the anger still humming just below the surface.

She sees hesitation in her boss' expression so she reaches up to thread her fingers through Olivia's hair, gripping her thick locks harder than she means to and pulling her face down to her own. Their lips meet, tentative for a brief second, and then Olivia is the one deepening the kiss, her tongue seeking entrance to Amanda's mouth, moaning softly, and Amanda feels heat pool between her legs. The kiss quickly escalates, becoming more frantic, feeling wild and desperate now, and Amanda is so turned on that she can barely control herself. She leans back on the bed, pulling Olivia down on top of her, twining her legs around her back, the warm weight of the other woman pressed against her, and she needs more; can't remember a time when she has wanted another person this much.

"Liv, I need you to touch me," she gasps into the older woman's ear, feeling like she will explode unless Olivia's hands are on her.

Olivia leans slightly away from her, slender fingers trailing up and down Amanda's sides, making small circles across her ribs, and Amanda can't take it anymore; is so aroused and so impatient that she grasps Olivia's hand firmly in her own and guides it down her stomach to the inside of her thigh, before pulling away and waiting for the other woman to make the next move. She is soaking wet and moans loudly when Olivia's fingers begin trailing upwards, and only realizes what she has done a split second before it happens.

"What's this?" Olivia suddenly asks, and Amanda bites down hard on her lower lip.

"Fuck," she mutters under her breath, and the other woman has pulled away from her entirely now, gazing down between her legs with a deep frown.

"Amanda, what _is_ this?" Olivia's voice is much more urgent now. "Did you hurt yourself again?"

"Jesus," she murmurs in frustration. "I had a momentary lapse in the shower this morning, okay? I was just nervous because of what I told you on the weekend and because I had to see the psychologist." She quirks an eyebrow at the older woman. "And considering how things have turned out, I guess I had good reason to be."

"Oh, Amanda." Olivia is running her hands over her face and dragging them back through her hair in frustration, and Amanda feels the anger that has never left spiking to the forefront again.

"Just forget about it, Liv. It's fine, okay? I promise I won't do it again." Her tone is harsh and she tries to soften it. "Please, Liv. We were having such a nice time. Let's just get back to it."

"Amanda, _no_ ," Olivia replies, looking at her incredulously. "We need to talk about this."

"I don't want to talk," she snaps furiously. "I'm so sick of talking everything to death."

They stare at each other in silence for a moment, and Amanda is so drunk and furious and aroused, she feels like she is being pulled in so many different directions. She stares up at Olivia and is sure she can still detect a hint of lust there.

"Come on, Liv," she says softly, licking her lips and placing a hand down between her own legs. "I want you so much."

Amanda knows she is turning Olivia on again, can see the slight blush in her cheeks, can hear the way her breath hitches, and she is perversely glad, feeling mean, feeling the need to lash out at the one person who has done the most for her, the person she feels she can no longer live without. The self-hatred and loathing rises within her at what she is doing to the woman she thinks she might be in love with, and still she can't stop; her crushing anger and pain at everything that has happened, at life in general, spinning out of control.

"See something you like, Liv?" she drawls suggestively, one eyebrow arched and her legs spread wantonly to the sides.

"Don't be vulgar, Amanda."

"Why not? Eric liked it when I was vulgar."

Olivia stares at her, not speaking, and Amanda stares right back, her gaze challenging and ready for a fight.

"I'm not Eric," the older woman finally whispers. "When are you going to realize that you don't need to act this way, that not everyone wants to hurt you, wants to see you in pain? When are you going to understand that I'm not going anywhere, no matter how ugly your behavior is, no matter how much you try to push me away?"

Amanda's heart is clenching in her chest and she swallows down a sudden wave of tears, her throat feeling too tight. She closes her legs, sitting up on the bed, feeling young and stupid, her head bowed now and her long hair hanging in her face. "Wow, way to kill the mood, Liv," she finally murmurs.

"I think you did that all on your own, Amanda," Olivia says softly.

There is silence for a moment and Amanda regards her intently, knowing she should apologize, knowing she should feel contrite, but she is still so keyed up and so desperately needs that release.

"God, I want you so badly," she admits, her voice ragged with need and unable to stop herself from saying the words.

"I want you too," Olivia whispers sadly. "But not like this."

They gaze intensely at each other for a moment, the air crackling with awkwardness and tension, before the older woman turns away and walks out of the room. Amanda sits there alone with her shame, naked and shivering, her throat choked with tears, before sliding off the bed and pulling on her pajamas. She turns out the light and crawls under the covers, Frannie padding into the room and leaping up beside her, and she buries her face in her pet's soft fur.

She doesn't know how long she lays there in the pitch black room, her mind racing, her thoughts bleak, before finally drifting off into a troubled sleep.

xxxxxxxxxx

When Amanda awakens, it is still dark, and she rolls over in the bed to look at the clock, still feeling somewhat drunk and disoriented, the glowing numbers reading 2:37am. Frannie is curled up against her, sound asleep, but Olivia is not there, not tucked up in her usual spot by Amanda's side. She frowns and sits up in the bed, the shadowy room whirling around her for a moment, and slips over the side, standing up on shaky legs.

The hallway is dim and empty, as is the bathroom, but the door to the spare bedroom is closed. She raises her hand to knock and then cocks her head, listening for a moment. There is a muffled noise coming from inside, and she turns the knob hesitantly, pushing the door open slowly.

What she sees makes her stop dead in her tracks, completely stunned. Olivia is sitting on the floor with her back to the wall and her knees curled into her chest, her hands covering her face and her body wracked with sobs, deep gut-wrenching cries emanating from within her body

"Liv?" Amanda whispers uncertainly, feeling like her heart has been shattered. In all the years she has known her, she has never seen the other woman like this before, so distraught, the deep sounds of agony piercing straight through to her heart.

Olivia lowers her hands away from her face, looking up at her with an anguished expression, tears spilling from her red rimmed eyes, and another shuddering sob bursts from her lips. Amanda covers her mouth, her heart hammering in her chest, feeling tears well in her own eyes, and takes a trembling step toward her.

"I'm sorry, Amanda," the other woman whispers.

Amanda frowns, staring down at her in confusion. "What? Why are you sorry?"

"I'm sorry I can't be the person you need me to be. I'm sorry I haven't been able to help you more."

Amanda stands there in astonishment, her brow wrinkled, as she watches Olivia drag her sleeve across her eyes, another small sob bursting from her. She has been putting the older woman through so much; has been putting her through hell, and she is not sure why Olivia is the one doing the apologizing.

She is overcome with a deep remorse, a wave of regret washing over her at the way she has been treating her, this woman who means more to her than anyone else, and she covers her face, trying to stifle her own devastated sob. "God, I am so sorry, Liv."

Olivia glances up at her, still bent over on the floor, her breath hitching as she cries, and doesn't respond.

Amanda shuffles over to her on shuddering legs that feel as if they are about to collapse, and squeezes into the tiny space between Olivia and the wall, wrapping her arms around the taller figure from behind and laying her head between her shoulder blades, holding onto her tightly.

"I'm so sorry, Liv," she repeats softly. "I am so very sorry."

Olivia turns around and pulls Amanda onto her lap, and they sit there on the floor together, rocking back and forth in each other's embrace, both of them awash in tears and Amanda whispering her apologizes over and over.

"It's okay," she hears Olivia saying, and her heart is aching, knowing she doesn't deserve the other woman's forgiveness.


	5. Chapter 5

Olivia is sprinting down the alley, gun drawn and every sense on alert, keeping a sharp eye on the suspect ahead of her, this man who is running just a little faster than she is. She doesn't know if he has a weapon on him but she is being cautious; he is in a dead sprint as if he is running for his life. She and Fin and Carisi had all split up and are currently working their way down the dank little alleyways surrounding this derelict building, trying to surround and capture him.

They had received a tip from the drunk man they had interviewed the day before, the man who had made lewd comments to Amanda, about a person of possible interest in their current rape case. Although they hadn't held much hope that the tip would amount to anything, they had spoken to the young woman he had directed them to and she had led them to someone else, someone who had ties to the victim in their case. What had started out as a calm discussion with their current suspect, a young man they had located at his place of work in a car repair shop, had quickly escalated, and he had bolted, leading them on a wild goose chase throughout the neighborhood.

Olivia is aware of the fact that he had been holding a cell phone during their conversation with them, and has seen him raise it to his ear, muttering a few quick words, while she has tried to keep him in her sights. She is gripped by an uneasy feeling as he continues to run, skirting around the corner of the building and right into another alley. She stops for a second, gun drawn higher, peering around the edge of the crumbling facade, and then starts moving again, a little slower this time.

The hair is standing up on the back of her neck now and her gaze is swinging warily back and forth, the alley full of garbage cans and other debris, and she skids to a stop when a door slams open a couple of feet ahead of her. Before she even has time to make a sound, to raise her weapon in warning, a gun is aimed point blank at her face, and she is staring into the eyes of a man who doesn't even look to be out of his teens yet; still a boy, really.

"Drop it, bitch," he says, his voice low and commanding despite his small stature and slim build.

Olivia lowers her gun, her heart thumping wildly, and she watches as the man she has been chasing halts in his tracks and swings back around, a smirk fixed on his face as he saunters back over to them.

"Get out of here, man," the boy orders, his tone firm. "I got this."

"Nah, I want to watch," the man replies, a grin on his face now as he steps up beside Olivia, his light green eyes fixed on her dark brown ones. "Bitch cop looks a little scared. You scared, bitch? Well, you should be. Don't know why you couldn't have just left well enough alone. I didn't do anything."

"Then why did you run?" Olivia asks, her hands raised up high and trying to control the breathing that is coming out in short pants. "Innocent people don't normally take off in the middle of a conversation."

"The second I saw you asshole cops coming over to me, I knew you thought I was guilty. So what was the point in sticking around?"

"Exactly," the boy responds, his teeth clenched together, pressing the gun directly against Olivia's head now and throwing the man a quick glance. "So get out of here. I'm trying to buy you some time, you idiot."

Olivia closes her eyes, desperately trying to center herself, her heart continuing to race out of control and sweat beading on her upper lip. "My team will be here any second. The two of you have nowhere to go."

"My brother didn't rape no teenage girl," the boy spits out, sounding angry now as the gun digs in harder. "You didn't need to harass him, to chase him like that. He's innocent."

"How did you know that's what we came to talk to him about?" Olivia questions, realizing that her hands are shaking and her legs feel as if they're about to give out from under her. "How do you know that a teenage girl has been raped?"

No one speaks for a moment, everyone standing stock still, and all Olivia can hear is her own heartbeat roaring in her ears; all she can feel is the barrel of the gun grinding into the side of her head, and she is suddenly swamped with memories of the hostage situation at the coffee shop, when a different man had been threatening her with a gun, when she and Amanda had barely escaped with their lives.

All she can see now is Amanda, the other woman's bright blue eyes and long blonde hair, and she keeps her mind fixated on the image of the woman that means so much to her and is so glad that Amanda isn't here with her in this awful situation; has been taken off field work, and is at the apartment tucked into bed with Frannie, too hungover to make it into work that day, staying home at Olivia's insistence.

She tries to keep her wits about her, not wanting to be sucked into more flashbacks, images of Eric holding the gun on Amanda and making her remove her clothes, Amanda holding the gun on Eric and threatening to kill him, she herself holding Amanda on the floor after Fin and Carisi had burst into the room and taken Eric away. She knows this is a different situation, that she is outdoors now, in a long narrow alley reeking of refuse, not inside the mens room of a tiny little coffee house, and she tries to remain in the present, her eyes focused on the two men in front of her.

"Drop it!" a voice suddenly screams, and she breathes a sigh of relief as she watches Fin slide carefully around the corner of the building and into the alley, pointing his gun at the boy who still has his weapon trained on Olivia, and she sees Carisi step into the alley from the other direction, his gun aimed at the man they had been chasing.

"Fuck you!" the boy sneers, and Olivia winces as the gun is pressed hard against her temple. "Back off or I'll kill her."

She sucks in a harsh breath and watches as Carisi quickly restrains the other man, getting him on the ground and putting handcuffs on him, quickly calling for more backup; and then steps closer, his own gun raised at the boy now, both he and Fin trying to talk him down.

"Come on," Fin is saying calmly. "You're just a kid. Don't make me shoot you, man. You've got your whole life in front of you. Don't take the fall for something your brother did."

"I didn't do nothing! I didn't rape her!" the other man yells from his position on the ground, and that's all it takes, that one split second of distraction when the boy throws his brother a quick glance, and Fin and Carisi are both on him, wrestling the gun out of his hand and dragging him to the ground.

Olivia makes sure both men are entirely restrained and Fin and Carisi have a handle on the situation before she steps around the corner of the building, bent over at the waist, her hands on her knees as she tries to catch her breath, eyes squeezed shut while she takes a quick moment to herself, trying to clear her head and again bring her mind back into the present situation. It seems glued to the past, scenes from the coffee shop still swirling through her brain; Eric with a gun to her own head, Amanda's horrified expression, the terror that they might not make it out of there alive.

Olivia reminds herself once again that she is not there anymore, that Amanda is safe at home, that the situation she was just in has been defused peacefully, and that she is absolutely fine. She has her hand in her pocket now, fingering her cell phone, and the urge to call the other woman is so strong, just wanting to hear her voice, but she settles for typing in a quick text to simply ask how Amanda is doing and what she's up to, refraining from mentioning what has just happened. She is relieved to see that an answering text comes in right away, but then frowns when she reads it, the message only containing a few brief words, saying the other woman is fine.

It has been the same way for the entire morning so far; every time Olivia texts Amanda, she always gets a response right away but the messages are sparsely worded, just reiterating that everything is good or fine, and she gets the feeling the other woman is just trying to placate her and is still feeling guilty and uneasy about what had taken place between them the night before. She knows she should be giving Amanda her space today, but is concerned about the smaller woman's frame of mind; knows she is just as upset as she herself is about the events of the previous night and that Amanda had been devastated seeing Olivia break down like that.

They had held each other on the floor, rocking back and forth and crying for quite some time during the night, after Amanda had found her in the spare bedroom having a complete breakdown. She had not meant to fall apart like that, had only gone into the spare room to give Amanda some space so she could sleep it off; to try to calm herself down after what had happened, her anger and arousal and frustration seemingly out of control, hard to be contained, the worry and fear she had threatening to choke her after seeing another razor mark on the smaller woman's skin. But the emotions had come pouring out of her and she had been powerless to stop them.

Olivia had slept fitfully for the remainder of the night, Amanda snoring drunkenly beside her, and had awoken exhausted that morning; it had taken every ounce of willpower she possessed to drag herself out of bed and into the shower, standing there limply with her head pressed against the tiles as the hot water rained down on her. When she had returned to her bedroom, Frannie had been turning circles on the carpet, already hyped up for the day, but Amanda was still dead to the world, looking awful in the morning light, skin leached of color, dark circles ringing her eyes and blonde hair sticking out in all directions.

Olivia had felt a pang of empathy for the other woman despite her terrible behavior of the previous day, and she had continued getting ready for work, not wanting to wake her. But Frannie had been getting more boisterous, leaping up onto the bed and walking right over Amanda's face, and the smaller woman had awakened with a groan, sitting up in the disheveled bedding and asking how much time she had before they had to leave. It hadn't taken much persuading by Olivia for Amanda to stay home and spend the day resting, and she promised to tell the others that she was sick, not hungover, but Amanda had mentioned running into Fin and Carisi at the bar the previous night, so Olivia figured they would know the reason she was walking into the squad room without her.

When she had arrived at the station, Fin and Carisi had both expressed concern at Amanda's absence but hadn't taken the discussion any further than that, as they had all gone right out into the field to locate their person of interest, and then the situation had spiraled out of control from there.

"Are you okay, Liv?" Fin asks in concern and she feels his firm, warm grip on her shoulder, giving her a squeeze.

Their backup has arrived just after the action has ended, several cops milling around the scene now, the man and his younger brother being escorted to separate police cars, and Fin and Carisi are standing on either side of her, regarding her with blatant worry.

"Hey, Liv, maybe you should go home for the day," Carisi suggests gently, and Olivia shakes her head in return.

"Thanks, guys, I'll be fine. I should get back to the precinct so we can get all this sorted out. I don't want to leave all this for you guys to take care of."

"Liv, we would completely understand-" Carisi starts to say, but she holds up a hand.

"I'll be okay," she replies, this time a little more firmly. "It shook me up for a minute but I need to keep working. These kinds of situations are going to keep happening and I can't just go home whenever they do." She smiles at them with more courage than she feels and resolves to get through the rest of the day without breaking down, without being sucked into the disturbing memories and flashbacks, without worrying about what Amanda might be doing back at the apartment now that she has been left up to her own devices for hours on end.

xxxxxxxxxx

There are many details to deal with back at the precinct and the rest of the day passes by quickly, Olivia feeling satisfied that the case seems to be wrapped up from their end and it looks like they will be getting justice for their victim. All she wants to do is get home to Amanda and Frannie and put her feet up, maybe watch a little TV or something equally inane, hoping the other woman is feeling better but still concerned about her lack of response throughout the day. She has texted Amanda several more times and has received the same short responses, and the smaller woman has not picked up at all when she has actually called her.

As soon as she puts the key in the lock and opens the door to her apartment, she knows something is wrong. There is dead silence inside, no thundering of paws, no dog jumping up all over her, unable to contain her ecstasy at Olivia's return, no blonde detective to greet her with a smile or a scowl, depending on Amanda's current mood. She steps over the threshold, her brow furrowed and her heart rate picking up speed, feeling a sharp stab of dread.

"Hello?" Olivia calls uneasily, and there is no responding voice, no answering bark.

She puts her things down on the couch, shrugging out of her coat and letting it pool on the floor in a heap before walking slowly from room to room, her throat tightening at what she sees, or what she _doesn't_ see, which is any trace of Amanda or Frannie; all clothes, dog paraphernalia, and any other knick-knacks that have made their way over from the other woman's apartment over the past several weeks, completely gone.

Olivia swallows hard, covering her mouth with her hand for a moment before taking a deep breath and picking up her phone to call Amanda. Again there is no answer, and she stands there in the kitchen with her arm hanging limply by her side, the phone clutched in her fingers and feeling like her heart has been ripped right out of her chest.

She sits down in a chair at the table, her chin in her hand, and figures the other woman has gone back to her own apartment, or at least _hopes_ that's where she has gone. Amanda's state of mind has not been very stable over the past several days, and Olivia hopes she is not drinking yet again or engaging in any other self-destructive behavior. Even though she has assured the smaller woman multiple times over by now that she will never leave, that she will always be here for her, she feels like she is reaching her breaking point, not knowing what else she can do to reach the detective, to convey her depth of feeling for her, to make sure she is safe.

The devastation Olivia feels at the other woman's departure, at her sudden absence, is so acute it physically hurts, and she puts a hand to her mouth again, trying to hold back a sob. If Amanda has actually left, has actually moved out for good, she is not sure how she will be able to carry on without her, this woman she feels so deeply for it actually scares her. They have been so closely connected, so firmly entrenched in each other's lives for the past couple of months, living and eating and working and sleeping together, that Amanda almost feels like an extension of herself at this point. She can't even admit to herself how much she wants Amanda with her, how much she cares for her, how she has never felt this way for anyone before and that it has gone so far beyond friendship or dating or whatever the hell it is that they have been doing with each other.

Olivia rubs a hand over her teary eyes and then spots a small piece of folded paper on the floor. She leans down to pick it up, figuring it had fallen off the table, and then reads the words written on it, her mouth tightening and her brow furrowing, feeling anger starting to mix in with the heartbreak. She stands up from her chair, grabbing her purse and striding out of the apartment, the door slamming shut behind her, determined to go confront the other woman.

All the way to Amanda's apartment, she tries to hold in the pain and the rage that is bubbling within her, and by the time she arrives at the detective's building, Olivia has worked herself up into such a state that she forces herself to stand out on the sidewalk and take a deep breath before pulling open the door and locating Amanda's buzzer.

The other woman's hesitant voice comes through the speaker after a brief pause, sounding slightly choked up. "Hello?"

"It's me." Olivia's voice is tense and clipped, and she tries not to feel any sympathy for how emotional Amanda had sounded just uttering that one word.

"Liv...I figured you would show up here sooner or later."

"Buzz me in, Amanda," she replies, her tone stern, and hears the younger woman take a breath, bracing herself for an argument.

There is silence for a moment, and then Amanda says, "Okay," in a small voice, the door buzzing open.

The elevator ride seems interminable and Olivia watches the glowing numbers impatiently, tapping her foot on the floor and trying to contain her utter fury and her deep sense of loss. When the doors open with a ding on the blonde woman's floor, she strides down the hall quickly, rapping her knuckles none-to-gently against Amanda's door.

She hears a bark from inside and her heart clenches as the door swings open and Frannie is bursting into the hallway like a shot, not even letting her inside before she is all over Olivia, greeting her in a frenzy of enthusiasm as if they hasn't just seen each other that morning. The blonde woman is standing there with her arms crossed, leaning against the door frame in silence, her expression pale and drawn, her eyes damp and red-rimmed.

"Amanda, what the fuck?" Olivia blurts out before she can stop herself, watching the other woman raise her eyebrows in surprise at this uncharacteristic language, and thinks she sees a hint of amusement shining through the sadness in those blue eyes.

"Nice to see you too, Liv," Amanda murmurs with a slight chuckle, stepping aside to let Olivia enter the apartment.

"What the hell are you doing?" Olivia snaps, failing to see the humor in the situation. "Why did you leave? Why didn't you at least tell me? I had to come home to an empty apartment! You could have at least told me what you were doing!"

"You know why I left, Liv," Amanda sighs, not meeting her angry gaze. "And I left you a note."

"Oh, _this_ note?" Olivia sneers, whipping the crumpled scrap of paper out of her pocket and reading it aloud. " _'Went home. Sorry.'_ " She fixes the other woman with an incredulous gaze. "Wow, thank you for that detailed explanation, Amanda. Your attention to detail is really quite stunning."

"You know why I left," Amanda repeats with another sigh, at least having the decency to look sheepish this time. "Did I need to spell it out for you? I didn't want to relive it, okay? I wasn't trying to be heartless. I'm embarrassed and ashamed; I know what I did last night was wrong and that I hurt you very deeply. It killed me to see you break down like that, Liv. I figured it would be better if I just got out of there."

Olivia is looking at her in disbelief, her heart pounding wildly at the maddening ability this woman has to push all of her buttons, to ratchet up her emotions, to blow everything out of proportion. "Do you even listen to me when I talk?" Her words are fast and clipped and she tries to keep her voice down. "What did we _just_ talk about _again_ on Saturday? I feel like I'm talking to a goddamn wall whenever we have a conversation, Amanda! You know you didn't have to leave. I've told you again and again that you don't have to go anywhere just because something happens. I honestly don't know how many more times I can have the _exact_ same conversation with you. I'm starting to sound like a broken record here. When will it finally start to penetrate?"

"This time was different," Amanda whispers insistently, still not meeting her gaze, and Olivia can see a blush creeping into her cheeks. "You _know_ it was different, Liv. I stepped over the line this time...way over...and I don't know if I can go back. I figured you could use a little space and a little...sanity."

"I don't need space," Olivia sneers through gritted teeth. "And I lost my sanity a long time ago, Amanda. You tend to bring out the insanity in other people, you know that?"

Amanda looks up at this, a corner of her lip lifting slightly. "Yup, I've been told," she murmurs.

Olivia looks at the other woman for a moment, the sadness and regret and vulnerability wrapped around her like a blanket, and she feels the anger slowly ebbing away, draining out of her like a deflated balloon. "I've had such a terrible day," she says softly. "All I wanted to do was come home and see my girls, and you weren't there." Frannie is by her side again, licking her hand over and over, as if she can sense her pain and is trying to soothe her.

"What do you mean? What's the matter?" She can see the concern now, the worry shining in Amanda's eyes, and the other woman steps toward her, placing a gentle hand on her arm.

"You mean besides the obvious?"

"Liv, come on. Please talk to me. Every time I'm the one with an issue, you never let it go, so tell me what's going on. What's wrong?"

"Everything," Olivia mutters in despair. "Everything is wrong, Amanda."

She looks at the smaller woman standing in front of her with both hands on her arm now, gazing up at her with a sympathetic expression, and her stomach clenches slightly, wanting to tell her what had happened earlier but not wanting to worry her; not wanting to bring back Amanda's own memories and flashbacks, especially not when she has been going through such a hard time.

"Come on, Liv, come sit down," Amanda says quietly, grasping her hand and leading her over to the couch, where they sit down side by side. "Hey, you're shaking. Olivia, what's wrong?"

Olivia leans forward, her elbows on her knees, covering her face with her hands, and she feels Amanda shift closer to her, pressing up against her so their legs are touching, rubbing her back in soothing circles. She swallows down a wave of tears, determined not to have another breakdown in front of the other woman, and sits there silently for a moment, taking comfort from Amanda and so glad to be in her presence again; so relieved, despite everything that has occurred between them, despite the roller coaster of emotions she has been feeling. For the first time that day, she feels somewhat content, somewhat safe.

"I just need to calm down," she whispers, glancing over at the smaller woman. "I had a really bad day at work."

"Well, I would offer you a drink to help calm your nerves, but I don't think that will go over too well," Amanda replies, the corner of her lip quirking up in a wry smile.

Olivia smirks and then rubs her hands tiredly over her face. "Probably best not to go down that road, Amanda."

The blonde detective chuckles softly and then wraps her arms around Olivia, pulling her head down onto her shoulder and running her fingers through her thick dark hair. Olivia melts into her embrace, so hungry for comfort, and Amanda seems willing to give it, her cheek resting against the top of her head, rocking her gently from side to side. "Talk to me, Liv," she urges tenderly. "Tell me what happened."

"A man...a boy...held a gun to my head today," Olivia whispers in a nearly inaudible tone. "I thought he was going to kill me."

"What?" Amanda pulls away from her with a expression stricken, and Olivia watches as she blinks away tears. "Liv, are you okay? Did he hurt you? Tell me what happened, tell me everything."

Olivia's heart aches at the smaller woman's concern and she stares at her intensely. "Come _home_ , Amanda," she begs softly.

"I am home," Amanda murmurs, glancing away from her.

"No, you're not. You don't belong here."

"Liv, please. I don't want to talk about this right now. Everything is always about me. I want to talk about you. Please tell me what happened today."

Olivia sucks in a deep breath and then tells her everything in great detail, Amanda listening intently, her arms tightening around her as she speaks, and Olivia can feel the other woman's heart pounding against her when she admits how terrified she was, how she thought she was going to die, how it brought back memories of that day with Eric.

"Oh my god, Liv, I am so sorry you went through that," Amanda says softly, turning Olivia's face towards her and stroking her cheek. "I wish I had been there with you."

"No," Olivia whispers fiercely, raising her hand to brush a strand of hair away from Amanda's eyes. "I'm glad you weren't there. You've been through so much already. You've been through enough."

"So have you," Amanda points out, her big blue eyes fixed intently on Olivia. "I think I forget about that sometimes, Liv. Sometimes it's hard to see past my own pain. I forget that you have pain too." Olivia watches as the smaller woman squeezes her eyes shut. "I'm really sorry, Liv. I'm sorry for everything. I need to try harder, I _will_ try harder."

"It's okay," Olivia replies gently, her heart aching for the other woman. "I see how hard you try, Amanda, I really do. And I didn't want to make things worse for you by telling you this...by bringing back your own memories."

Amanda wraps her arms around her again, grabbing her in a sudden hug. "You can tell me anything, Liv, no matter what it is, okay? I can handle it."

Olivia hugs her back, holding onto her tightly and not wanting to let go. They sit there on the couch, entwined together, and Olivia is overcome with an intense wave of sadness when she thinks of how she will be going home alone without the small blonde in her arms, and the thought of returning to that empty apartment, that empty bed, is devastating.

"Amanda," she whispers brokenly. "How could you just leave like that? How could you do that to me, after all we've been through? You weren't there today, when I needed you the most. Do I not deserve better than this?"

"Yes," Amanda replies, her voice low and choked. "You deserve so much better than this. That's why I left, Liv. I was trying to protect you, okay?"

Olivia is staring at her, frowning in confusion "Protect me from what, honey?"

"From _me_ ," Amanda answers brokenly. "From the terrible things I do to you, from the things I can't control. I'm a train wreck, Olivia, and I need some time to get myself together." She pauses briefly, their gazes locked onto one another, and Olivia watches as the smaller woman bites her lip and hesitates, a pink blush spreading across her cheeks.

"I'm in love with you, Liv, and you always protect the ones you love."


	6. Chapter 6

Amanda's heart is pounding wildly in her chest as she stares intently at Olivia, her gaze fixed on the older woman's wide brown eyes, and she can't believe what she has just said, the words that have just left her mouth. She knows there is no possible way the older woman can feel the same for her, and she is suddenly swamped in regret, wishing she could take back what she has just said and pretty sure she will be swallowed in despair and darkness when the inevitable rejection comes.

She starts to slide off the couch and then feels Olivia grabbing her arm gently, hears the slight chuckle. "We really need to break this bad habit of yours," she murmurs. "Honey, you have to stop fleeing the scene every time you feel uncomfortable. And I don't need to be protected from you." There is a pause and she feels Olivia squeeze her arm. "I love you too, Amanda."

She freezes, coming to a halt halfway off the couch, and stares at the other woman in disbelief. "Really?" She realizes how pathetic and insecure she must sound, and winces inwardly.

Olivia laughs softly. "Yes, _really_. Would I have stuck through all this insanity if I didn't? Would I be here right now after you just packed up and left without a word, leaving me the world's most insensitive note?" They continue to stare at each other, their gazes locked. "There's just something about you, Amanda. Even when we didn't get along, there was something there. I think that's _why_ we didn't get along. I don't think either of us understood what was going on."

"Well, the two of us can be pretty dense sometimes," Amanda mutters, a slight smile on her face now. "I really didn't want to fall in love with you, Olivia, it just kind of happened."

Olivia's eyebrows are raised now, and she laughs again. "Wow, you really know how to make a girl feel special, Amanda. And for your information, the feeling is mutual, okay? I didn't want to fall in love with you either."

They regard each other in silence for a moment, and then Amanda snickers before breaking into laughter herself. "This is a lot less romantic than I hoped this moment would be."

"Yeah, it sure is," Olivia chuckles with a roll of her eyes. "Honestly, Amanda, the only thing predictable about you is your unpredictability. I never know what is going to come out of that mouth of yours."

They grin at each other and Amanda feels a warmth growing in her chest at the unexpected turn this day has taken, and she leans toward the other woman, closing her eyes and pressing her lips against Olivia's.

"Oh, shit," she murmurs in annoyance, pulling away from the brunette as her cell phone suddenly buzzes on the couch next to her, indicating a text message. "Sorry about that, Liv, I can turn it off."

"No, it's okay," Olivia replies. "Go ahead and see what it says. What if it's important?"

Amanda stifles a sigh of resentment and picks up the phone, honestly not the least bit concerned with who is sending her the message or what it is about; the most important person on the planet is already sitting right next to her and that's the only thing she cares about.

"It's Fin," she says, reading the few lines of text from her partner. "He and Carisi are worried and want to know if they can stop by to see us." She bites her lip and looks at Olivia. "I'm guessing they're talking about your place, Liv. I haven't told them yet that I've moved back home." Another text comes in and she rolls her eyes. "Yup, they're at your building right now, asking why we're not answering the buzzer."

"Oh, boy," Olivia sighs. "Well, you might as well tell them to come over here then, since they've already gone to all that trouble."

"Now?" Amanda asks, both eyebrows raised. "Aren't we kind of in the middle of something here? The only trouble they've gone to is showing up to a place they weren't invited. I should tell them to go home."

Olivia smiles at her, reaching over to run a hand through her long hair. "I think they're worried about us, honey. It won't hurt for them to just stop by for a minute. I know they were really upset about what happened this morning. They weren't happy with me when I decided to stay at the precinct instead of going home."

Amanda looks at her and nods, her chest tightening painfully when she thinks of how the other woman had spent her morning while she herself had been hungover in bed, cuddled up with Frannie, alternately snoozing and throwing up before dragging herself out of bed and packing all of her things to return to her own apartment. She wishes she could have been there with Olivia, like her boss had been there for her during the situation with Eric in the coffee shop. It hurts her deeply to know that Olivia's life had been threatened yet again this morning, and she had been none the wiser since she had refused to pick up her phone, since she was too sick to even make it in to the station at all. To think that Olivia might not be sitting next to her right now if things had gone differently earlier that day is too much to handle, and she tries to put the thought out of her mind.

There are so many mixed emotions running through her right now, this day having taken so many twists and turns, and the last thing she wants is company in the form of her co-workers. Amanda loves both men dearly, like they are her brothers, but she wants nothing more than to just stay curled up on the couch with Olivia, to bask in the stunning fact that the older woman actually feels the same way for her, has actually returned the feelings she has been struggling with for so long now, and that Olivia is safe and sound beside her.

She sends Fin a quick text, telling him to come to her place instead, and she and Olivia sit on the couch, hand in hand, chatting quietly while they wait for the others to arrive. When the buzzer sounds and Amanda lets them in, she feels that stab of resentment again despite the obvious worry that her co-workers have for them, and that they have taken the time to come all the way over here. She tries to shake off her bad attitude, feeling childish and immature, and smiles at both men when she opens the door to her apartment, Frannie leaping at them with joy.

"So you're back at your own place again? More musical apartments, huh?" Fin says without preamble, regarding her with a frown as they walk inside. "What the hell is wrong with you, girl? Just pick one place and stick with it."

"Yeah, Amanda," she hears Olivia mutter under breath, and she throws the other woman a quick glance, one eyebrow arched.

"Fin, don't we see enough of you guys at work?" she complains with a sigh, feeling slightly ganged up on now.

"Well, we didn't see you at work today, Amanda. Maybe because you were too busy drinking yourself into oblivion last night and couldn't get out of bed this morning to attend your place of employment?"

Amanda feels anger mixing in with the annoyance now, and she crosses her arms over her chest, glaring up at her partner. "Okay, do you have a purpose for being here, other than pissing me off?"

"Amanda, you look like hell," Fin states bluntly, his dark gaze fixed on her, and she watches as he glances over at Olivia. "And no offense, Liv, but you don't look much better. What's going on with you two?"

"Look, we're worried, okay?" Carisi cuts in, his tone softer. "It's been a tough couple of days and we wanted to make sure you guys were alright. Between you being put back on desk duty, Amanda, and the incident out in the field with Liv this morning, we wanted to check up on you both."

Amanda is still feeling irritated and impatient, despite their concern and willingness to stop by in person, still a little shocked that they could not have picked a worse time to interrupt things between she and Olivia. She opens her mouth to snap back at them, when she feels the older woman lay a gentle hand on her arm.

"Thank you for checking on us, guys. We really appreciate it. We're just going through a bit of a rough time right now but we'll be fine." Olivia doesn't say any more than that, and Amanda shoots her a grateful look.

She knows that Fin and Carisi will need to be told sooner or later what the situation is regarding her removal from field work, but she doesn't want to get into it right now; just doesn't have the energy or strength for any more emotional conversations today. And the last thing she wants to do is share everything that has been going on between she and Olivia, the good or the bad. She just needs some time alone with the other woman, some time when they are both in their right minds and calm and collected, to talk about things, to try to figure things out. And she wants time to come to terms with what they had just said to each other before she had gotten the text message. There is a part of her that is still numb, still in disbelief, that Olivia could possibly feel the same way that she does, and it hasn't fully sunk in yet, this new level of intimacy they have reached in their relationship. It hadn't had time to sink in before they had been rudely interrupted, or at least that is the way Amanda has chosen to interpret this intrusion by her brothers in blue.

They sit around Amanda's living room, chatting about tedious, mundane topics for quite some time, Fin and Carisi seeming to sense that they should not be straying into any topics of discussion that are more personal, even though Amanda can tell they want to; can see their concern and the slight impatience, both men wanting to understand what is going on. She remains silent on the topic of her suspension from field work, resolute in staying quiet about it, at least for now. She cannot handle the looks of pity, those sideways glances, wondering if she is actually a danger to herself, worrying that she will do more harm to herself. She is determined to keep things as light and easy as possible until she decides that it's time for them to leave.

Olivia stands up and excuses herself to go use the bathroom down the hall, and Amanda gets to her feet to gather up the empty soda cans and bags of chips that they have consumed during the visit.

"So what's going on with you and Liv?" Carisi suddenly asks, his voice casual. "You didn't break up or something, did you?"

"'Break up'?" Amanda echoes innocently as she walks into the kitchen to place everything on the counter and into the garbage can. "Are we dating?"

"I don't know, are you?" She hears the blatant curiosity in Carisi's tone and blows out a breath, still not in the mood for personal questions and hoping that they had sidestepped this particular area of discussion. "We've just been a little confused about what's been going on with you two, especially now that you're back at your own place, so..."

"So..." She peers around the corner of the kitchen, both men staring at her now. "So what?" She is being deliberately obtuse, refusing to take the bait, determined to keep her personal life private, at least for the time being, and will not budge on this topic.

"It's just...you have a bit of a strange relationship," he continues, and Amanda turns away, rolling her eyes as she wipes a cloth over the kitchen counter. "We were just wondering about a couple of things..."

"Oh, yeah?" she replies. "Wondering about things that are none of your business?"

"It's just...we have a little bet going..."

She hears Fin mutter harshly to Carisi and she strides back into the living room with her eyebrows raised. "A bet? What kind of bet? Is this why you're asking me these questions?"

Both men are silent and she watches as Fin elbows Carisi roughly in the side. Amanda gazes at them for a moment, can detect the slight guilt in their expressions, like they have stepped over the line, and her lip turns up in a sneer, a snort of incredulous laughter bursting from her mouth.

"Oh my god," she hisses in disbelief. "Are the two of you seriously placing bets on when I'm going to sleep with our boss? You're both disgusting!" She neglects to admit that there is tiny part of her that is amused by this, that the men are still capable of being so ridiculous and have retained their sense of humor, despite all the upheaval and chaos of the past couple of months, and she has to work to keep a straight face.

"No, we weren't," Carisi pipes up, not sounding very convincing, his gaze sliding away from her.

"You need to work on your poker face there, Carisi," Amanda snorts in derision, crossing her arms in front of her. "Maybe I should start placing bets on when the two of _you_ are going to hook up. Come on, boys, you can tell me the truth. What _really_ happened at Fin's place the other night?" She wiggles her eyebrows up and down suggestively, still feeling a little spiteful over them interrupting her time with Olivia, at their refusal to butt out of her business, and decides to be playful instead of angry, enjoying the uncomfortable looks on their faces.

"Look, Amanda, we're sorry," Fin says, holding up a hand. "We're just goofing around, okay? We just needed something to break up all the worry and stress and tension. Everything has just been too heavy lately."

"So this is your way of trying to lighten things up?" she asks, her eyebrows still raised. "By placing bets on the sex lives of your co-workers? Not getting enough of your own action?"

"Hey, I get plenty of action-" Fin starts to object, raising his other hand.

"From Carisi?" Amanda snickers.

"Jesus, nothing happened the other night," Fin snaps, frowning at her. "I was just looking out for my drunk buddy, okay? He spent the night on the couch."

"If you say so," she murmurs, holding her hands up in front of her.

"Amanda, stop." Fin looks angry now and she has to bite back a laugh, enjoying the fact that she is getting under her partner's skin.

"Oh, so it's okay to tease me about my sex life, but you can't handle it when the tables are turned? You didn't actually come over here because you're concerned about us, did you? You just came here to ask inappropriate personal questions." She is teasing them, still feeling that mix of irritation and amusement, and they banter back and forth for a few minutes, trying to one-up each other with vulgar comments before being interrupted by their boss' return to the living room.

"What is going on out here?" Olivia asks somewhat impatiently. "All I can hear from the bathroom is the three of you squabbling. Honestly, every time you guys are together outside of work, it's like policing a bunch of toddlers. What are you arguing about?"

"Nothing," Amanda, Fin and Carisi respond in unison, and Olivia regards them with an exasperated sigh, shaking her head and rolling her eyes before sitting back down on the couch.

For the next hour, the four of them chat, the conversation not veering into any more dangerous personal topics, and Amanda finds herself calming down, the resentment draining away, and she knows that she needs to try and conduct her behavior better, even when the others are acting just as immaturely as she is; needs to remember that she is grateful to be a part of a team that looks out for one another, and tries to swallow down that fear that she is no longer one of them, having been asked to turn in her gun like she is a naughty child not to be trusted.

It is mid-evening when they say goodbye for the night, Fin refusing to leave until Amanda promises him that she will not engage in any drinking tonight and will show up on time for work tomorrow, ready to ride her desk with enthusiasm.

"What were you fighting about when I was in the bathroom?" Olivia asks after they close the door, sitting back down on the couch side by side, Amanda draping a blanket over both their laps.

She feels a blush creeping up her cheeks and glances at the other woman, trying to suppress a laugh. "Trust me, Liv, you don't want to know."

Olivia gazes at her for a moment and seems to see something in her expression, quirking an amused eyebrow and smiling slightly. "Okay, I guess I don't."

There is silence for a moment and it feels like a switch has been flipped, the easy comfort between them turning to awkwardness, and Amanda feels like she needs to address the elephant in the room.

"Look, Liv, I know it's weird now that we're living separately, especially since things have...changed...between us since I moved back home-"

"Amanda, it's okay," Olivia interrupts softly. "I'm still upset that you left, but I can understand why you did what you did, when I look at it from your point of view. I know you want some time to yourself to try to make some changes." The other woman takes a deep breath. "I'm trying to change here too, Amanda. And I need to stop pressuring you to do things that you don't want to do, to do things that you're not ready for. So if that means we have to live apart for a little while, then I need to accept that."

Amanda looks at her in surprise, not expecting things to suddenly be this easy, especially after the blow up that had happened earlier that evening, and she realizes any awkwardness she has felt has been from her side only. "Well, you've certainly changed your tune there, Liv."

"I had lot of time to think while Fin and Carisi were here," Olivia says with a chuckle. "I have no idea what we even talked about. My mind was elsewhere."

Amanda laughs. "Yeah, so was mine." She looks at the other woman, picking up her hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. "There's just too much to think about right now. Everything is so complicated. It's hard to concentrate on the small talk."

"That it is," Olivia agrees quietly. "It won't always be this way, though, honey. Things will settle down at some point. We just need to make it to that point, though."

Amanda nods and looks over at her, biting her lip. "I don't know how I'm going to sleep alone tonight."

Olivia gives her a small smile, putting an arm around her shoulders. "I don't know how I'm going to sleep alone either. Honestly, there's still a part of me that thinks this is a bad idea, that wants to be with you all the time, but I need to learn how to step back."

Amanda gazes at her for a moment and swallows hard. "Liv, do you trust me to be able to stay on my own? After..." She hesitates. "After hurting myself?"

Olivia is quiet for a moment, just gazing back at her, and then she places a gentle hand on Amanda's cheek. "To be perfectly honest, honey, I'm struggling a bit with that part. I'm very concerned with what's been going on, with that and the nightmares. But you're a grown woman and you can make your own decisions. I don't want to fight about everything all the time." She sighs. "But I want you to be safe, Amanda. I want you to _feel_ safe. Please call or text me anytime, okay? Don't hesitate."

Amanda nods, not trusting herself to speak, as there is suddenly a lump in her throat. She knows Olivia will be leaving for the night soon, and although she had been the one to make this decision, to leave the place that had been her home for the past several weeks and to return here, she doesn't know if she has made the right choice, is not entirely sure that she can trust herself. She is not used to being alone anymore and the concept of it seems strange and foreign.

As it gets later into the evening, an uneasy feeling settles over her, regretful at leaving Olivia's place so hastily, and she wishes she had taken the time to think things through before coming back here. She knows this time apart will be good for them, that she needs the time to try and fix things, to get herself together, but it is odd to think of the other woman leaving right after they had confessed their love for one another, and she has a tight feeling in her chest. She doesn't mention these thoughts, though, and when she and the older woman say goodbye at the door, Amanda puts on a brave face, smiling at Olivia and assuring her that she will be fine and will see her at work in the morning.

Amanda tries her best to settle down when it is just she and Frannie by themselves in the apartment, and she snuggles up in bed with her dog, hoping for at least some sleep that night. The bed feels empty without Olivia, though, and again she has to swallow down that wave of regret, wondering is she has made the right decision.

xxxxxxxxxx

For the next few hours, Amanda's sleep is very fitful as she drifts in and out of dreams featuring Patton and Eric, both men tormenting her, and she tosses and turns under the covers, waking up briefly, only to be sucked back into more nightmares, and she floats right at that edge between unconsciousness and wakefulness, unsure of what is real and what isn't.

She becomes aware of something moving out in the hallway and she rolls over in the bed, her brain foggy and still muddled with sleep. "Liv?" she murmurs, mistakenly thinking she is still at Olivia's apartment before realizing that she is back in her own home and the other woman had left hours ago. She feels her heart rate begin to pick up and finds herself hoping the brunette has returned at some point during the night, but knows that it is impossible as Olivia doesn't have a key to her place.

There is a soft shuffling noise at the entrance to her bedroom and the door creaks open slowly. Her breath is coming out in short pants now and the hair on her arms is standing straight up. There is a shadow there now, an outline of a person, darker than the rest of the room, as if someone is standing there watching her.

"Why didn't you help me, Amanda?" a soft female voice suddenly asks, and Amanda nearly jumps right out of her skin. "Why didn't you tell someone after it happened to you?"

She realizes that she isn't the only blonde woman in the room anymore and squints in confusion as she sees Reese Taymor leaning against the door frame, her features coming into focus in the darkness, her arms crossed in front her, fixing her with an accusing glare.

Amanda feels the usual guilt and regret wrap around her, along with a lingering sorrow, and she stares at the other woman in silence for a moment. "I'm sorry," she finally murmurs, and glances away for a second when she feels Frannie shift in the bed next to her at the sound of her voice.

When she looks back, Amanda realizes that no one is there and she is talking to herself; that Reese was never there in the first place and she has only been dreaming. She thinks she hears footsteps out in the hallway, fading into the distance as if the other woman is walking away from her bedroom, and her heart is in her throat as she tries to convince herself that the nightmares aren't real, that Eric and Patton and Reese are only figments of her imagination at this particular moment, part of a horrific dreamscape existing only in that nighttime twilight world, in the darkness that consumes her whenever she tries to sleep; and that they can't possibly be in her apartment.

A soft noise sounds beside her and Amanda sits up in the bed, suddenly finding herself face to face with Frannie, staring into the gentle gaze of her beloved pet, her heart still racing out of control. "Geez, Frannie, are you trying to scare your mama?" she whispers in relief.

Frannie leans forward to lick her face and she smiles, giving her a scratch behind the ear.

Amanda tilts her head to the side, studying her dog's body language, her demeanor; Frannie now looks like she wants to play and does not appear alarmed in any way. She tries to take comfort in this and assure herself that if anyone else was in the apartment, her dog would not be sitting here casually in the blankets next to her, furry tail thumping eagerly against the bed.

Still she cannot shake this uneasy feeling and wonders how much longer she will be tormented by these nightmares; is not sure how much more she can stand. Sleep seems to be a thing of the past now, a luxury she had previously taken for granted, something she no longer has easy access to without being sucked back down into the black hole of her past, forced to have interactions with people she would rather not think about ever again.

Amanda picks up her phone from the nightstand and sits there holding it in her hand, feeling extreme hesitation, but she is shuddering so violently now that she can't make it stop and all she wants is for Olivia to be next to her, holding her, making her feel safe and secure. She chews on her lip for a moment and then dials her boss' number, raising the phone to her ear.

Olivia picks up almost right away. "Amanda, what's wrong?" The older woman's voice is alert despite the late hour, almost as if she has been expecting her to call.

"Um, hey, Liv, what're you doing?"

"Uh, sleeping? Or at least I was a minute ago."

"Oh. Okay."

"Amanda. What's the matter, honey?"

"Other people in my bedroom..." Amanda murmurs, running a hand across her face in exhaustion and her heart still thumping rapidly in her chest. "That's what's the matter."

"What?" Olivia sounds alarmed now, and Amanda can hear shuffling coming from the other end of the line, as if the older woman is hurrying to get out of bed.

"It's okay, Liv, it was just a dream," she assures her softly. "I just got scared. I'm still scared now," she admits, taking a deep breath. "I wish I hadn't left your place. I wish you hadn't gone home tonight."

She hears a soft sigh. "Do you want me to come back?"

"Um..."

"Amanda, I can come back if you want me to, I don't mind."

Her eyes fill with tears at the gentle, sympathetic tone of the woman she loves, and she swallows hard. "Sure, Liv, that would be great." She tries to keep her voice steady, wiling herself not to choke up as she speaks and rubs at her eyes roughly, feeling impatience with herself. "I'm sorry. I know it's a pain for you to keep going back and forth like this, especially in the middle of the night."

"Don't be sorry," Olivia says quietly. "I'll be there as soon as I can, okay?"

"Okay," Amanda replies, a wave of relief pouring over her. "Thank you, Liv. I feel bad for interrupting your sleep."

"I think you and I might as well just give up on sleep altogether," Olivia chuckles triedly.

Amanda gives a light laugh. "I was just thinking the same thing."

"I'll see you soon, honey," Olivia answers softly. "Just hang in there, okay?"

"Okay," Amanda whispers. "See you soon, Liv."

She slides out of bed with Frannie at her heels, deciding to wait for Olivia in the living room. Amanda turns on all the lights as she walks down the hallway and past the bathroom, half expecting Reese or someone else to be sitting on her couch, and is relieved to see the empty room, nothing out of place and everything exactly as it was when she had gone to bed hours earlier.

Amanda is unable to relax, her anxiety and fear growing out of control as she is consumed by memories and flashbacks of her time with Patton at her previous precinct back in Atlanta, and of her time with Eric in the motel here in New York. She paces the room back and forth until the buzzer sounds, making her jump even though she has been expecting it. She buzzes Olivia in, and that wave of relief grows even stronger, knowing the other woman is on her way up and that she won't be alone anymore with the monsters in her head.

Olivia isn't even fully in the door yet before Amanda throws her arms around the taller figure, clutching onto her tightly and burying her head in her shoulder. "I'm so glad to see you, Liv."

"I'm glad to see you too," Olivia replies, sounding very concerned, and Amanda feels the other woman gripping her back just as tightly. "Honey, you're shaking." She hears a soft sigh. "I knew this was a bad idea; I knew I shouldn't have gone home."

Amanda doesn't respond and refuses to let go of her as Olivia struggles inside, and finally they both collapse onto the couch with Amanda sprawled across the other woman's lap, her arms locked around her neck. Olivia holds her against her chest, stroking a hand through her hair and rocking her gently, and Amanda finally starts to feel her trembling subside.

"Sweetheart, what's going on?" Olivia whispers worriedly. "What kind of dreams were you having?"

"The bad kind," Amanda whimpers, squeezing her eyes shut. "I can't sleep, Liv. I can never sleep without all of them tormenting me. They never leave me alone, they're always here."

"Oh, Amanda." Olivia tightens her hold on her, and Amanda feels the other woman's lips pressing against her hair. "Honey, you need to talk to the psychologist about this. These nightmares are just getting worse. I can't stand seeing you go through this."

Amanda feels tears well up in her eyes and she blinks them back, trying to hold in a sudden sob. "Olivia, I can't get them out of my head. Please help me get them out of my head."

She pulls back slightly from the older woman as she straddles her lap and they stare at each other in the dim lamplight, Olivia's eyes glittering with what look to be tears, and Amanda blinks hard, trying to keep her own tears at bay. She leans forward, placing her lips against Olivia's, the other woman kissing her back hesitantly, and Amanda deepens the kiss, feeling a tendril of arousal bloom inside. She is glad, wanting nothing more than to be with the woman that she loves, consumed with thoughts and feelings of Olivia and no one else, trying desperately to erase the haunting images inside her brain.

The kiss quickly becomes more intense and Amanda slides her fingers through the older woman's hair, feeling Olivia's hands gliding over her back. She pulls away for a moment to smile down at the other woman, and her heart stutters to a stop.

Eric is staring back at her.

" _Fuck_ ," she mutters in shock, twisting away from the older woman with a violent motion as a sudden wave of nausea overtakes her.

"What?" Olivia says in alarm. "What is it? What's wrong?"

"Please don't touch me," Amanda gasps in panic, her heart racing out of control, sliding off Olivia's lap and backing away from the couch. "Please don't hurt me."

She notices that Olivia backs off immediately, her hands held up in front of her. "Okay, I won't touch you. And I would never hurt you, honey, I promise. You're safe with me. I'm sorry if I did anything to make you feel like you weren't."

"You didn't," Amanda assures her, realizing right away what has happened; that Eric isn't on the couch and it is only Olivia there, her eyes wide with concern, her hands shaking slightly as she continues to hold them in the air. She covers her mouth with her palm for a moment. "Sorry, Liv. I know I'm safe with you. It's just... _me_. I'm the problem. They won't get out of my head."

"Okay. It's okay." Olivia is staring intently at her, remaining completely still, not making any movements at all. "Just take it easy, honey. Just take a minute."

Amanda closes her eyes for a moment, suddenly feeling torn between laughter and tears at the absurdity of the situation. "Liv, do you ever get the feeling the universe is trying to tell us something? Every time anything starts to happen between us... _physically_...something bad happens, or more accurately, I _make_ something bad happen. I think I'm cursed or something." She laughs now, desperately trying to make light of the situation, and the sound rings hollow in her ears.

Olivia is looking at her with a serious expression, not joining in the laughter. "Amanda, it's okay," she says softly. "We have lots of time to be together. It doesn't matter if it hasn't worked out quite yet."

"Talk about a turn off," Amanda mutters with regret as if Olivia hasn't spoken, her brain still whirling with unwanted thoughts and emotions. "Wow. Sorry, Liv."

"You don't have to apologize," the other woman replies gently. "It's not your fault. Amanda, you're shaking like a leaf. Come here."

Amanda looks at her, feeling a little lost, and tries to stop that familiar guilt from creeping into her brain, that she can't do anything right without messing it up; the shame at letting her past interfere with her present, at not being able to be under control at all times, at not being able to just let the bad things go. She stands there with her hands clenched into fists, trying to get herself under control, wanting nothing more to just be in the present with Olivia but unable to stop what is happening inside her mind.

"Amanda, come here, sweetheart. I'm not upset with you. I only care if you're okay. Nothing else matters right now, alright? It's not a big deal."

She still doesn't move and doesn't respond, feeling frozen to the spot and unable to speak, images of Eric and Patton in her head again, and she shudders in revulsion, only wanting Olivia in her thoughts, not these brutal men who have used and abused her.

 _"Amanda_." Olivia's voice is a little more forceful now. "I need to know if you're okay. Talk to me, please."

Amanda covers her face with her hands, feeling overwhelmed, her body still humming with the arousal from a moment ago and mixing in with the terror of her unwanted memories.

"Sweetheart." Olivia's voice sounds strained now, and a little choked up. "Can you please come over here? I don't want to reach out and touch you if you're not comfortable yet."

She lowers her hands and stands there for a moment, biting her lip uncertainly as she stares at the other woman, Olivia looking like she wants nothing more than to get up off the couch and come over to where she is still rooted to the spot, but remaining where she is, a helpless expression on her face and her eyes shining with unshed tears.

"It's okay, Amanda. You're safe. Please come here," Olivia whispers soothingly.

Amanda takes a tentative step toward her, the brunette smiling at her encouragingly as she lowers herself down onto the couch and perches uneasily next to her, heart still racing in her chest and palms sweating profusely. She wipes her hands hastily on her pajama pants and looks at Olivia, sees the love and worry shining in her eyes, and her heart aches, wanting nothing more than to a have a future with this woman but not knowing how to make it happen.

The future has never seemed further out of reach.


	7. Chapter 7

_**This chapter is rated "M" for scenes with very explicit sexual content,** **so please be aware of that before continuing to read** **.** **  
**_

xxxxxxxxxx

When Olivia awakens the next morning, she find herself curled up right at the edge of Amanda's bed, one of her arms hanging over the side and teetering on the brink of falling onto the floor. She had tried to give the other woman her space during the night, after Amanda had refused to be touched but had insisted on Olivia sharing her bed. Frannie is between them under the covers and Olivia can hear the smaller woman moving around restlessly on the other side of the mattress, murmuring incoherently under her breath.

It had been another long night of little to no sleep, Olivia driving over there in her pajamas in the wee hours of the morning after quickly packing some clothes for work, and then waking up frequently due to the other woman's whimpers and moans while dreaming, and her inability to stay still. At one point during the night, Amanda had gotten out of bed and staggered out of the room, mumbling about a man standing beside her, and Olivia having to walk her back to bed, assuring her that she and Frannie were the only other living beings in the apartment with her, and tuck her back in, all without trying to lay a hand on her and making sure to keep her distance.

She is glad that Amanda has another appointment with the psychologist this morning, and hopes she will be amendable to opening up and discussing these intense nightmares that seem to have taken over the majority of her sleeping hours. She is beyond worried now, not wanting to see the other woman suffer, and concerned that she will do more harm to herself in her haste to get away from the monsters in her head; that the dreams are making the transition to reality and Amanda is responding to them as if they are actually happening to her.

Olivia herself cannot continue on such a minuscule amount of sleep and be expected to perform her job to the best of her abilities. She needs to be alert, needs to be at her best in order to fulfill her duties at the Special Victims Unit, to lead and watch out for her team, to advocate for their victims and help put the perpetrators behind bars, and she can feel herself flagging; being sucked down into that sluggishness, that desperate need for rest, her brain muddled with exhaustion, and the day has only just begun.

She rubs at her eyes tiredly and sits up in the bed, relieved to see that Frannie is still asleep, too exhausted to deal with the small bundle of frenzied energy this morning, and hopes the dog will keep snoozing while she and Amanda get ready for work. When she glances over to the other side of the bed, she notices that the smaller woman is awake and blinking sleepily at her, blue eyes heavy with fatigue, the covers pulled right up to her chin, and she looks to be curled up into a tight little ball underneath the blankets.

Olivia's chest tightens and all she wants is to reach across Frannie and pull Amanda into her arms, the tiny form looking so fragile and vulnerable, but she is hesitant, unable to read the expression on her face and unsure of her mood; still feeling the need to tread carefully, to toe the line, not wanting to provoke any fear from the blonde woman, or any unwanted memories. The scene that had taken place between them in the living room in the middle of the night replays itself in her mind, and for a moment she is crushed and doesn't think she will ever be able to get Amanda's look of sheer terror out of her mind; that she had initially thought that terror had been directed at herself and it had broken her heart.

"Hey," Olivia says very softly. "How are you doing this morning?"

Amanda stares at her for a moment, looking like she is not quite awake yet, and then mutters a quick, "Fine," before throwing back the covers and sitting up as well.

"Well, that didn't sound too convincing," Olivia chuckles lightly, feeling her concern grow as she looks at Amanda's back, the other woman perched on the edge of the bed now, small body turned away from her. "Were you able to get any sleep?"

She watches the blonde woman shrug and run a hand back through her long tangled locks. "No, not really. What about you?"

"Nope, not much," Olivia replies. "Amanda, can you look at me, please? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," the younger woman sighs, not turning around. "Just embarrassed about last night, okay? I shouldn't have called you over here just because I had a bad dream and I shouldn't have flipped out on you like I did. But that's all I want to say on the subject right now. Let's just get on with our day, okay?"

Before Olivia can respond, before she can assure Amanda that she has nothing to be embarrassed about and that she doesn't have to feel bad for calling her during the night, that Olivia herself had said she could call anytime for anything, the other woman is on her feet and striding purposefully out of the bedroom.

"I'm going to get in the shower," she hears Amanda murmur on her way out the door, and watches as she disappears into the hallway, hearing the bathroom door close firmly a moment later.

Olivia runs her hands over her face with a sigh and then glances down at the bed when she feels a warm paw touch the side of her leg. Frannie is staring at her, pink tongue lolling out of her mouth and her whole body beginning to wiggle with the force of her wagging tail, and Olivia sighs again, a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth now.

"Well, hello there, you. Do you want some breakfast?"

Frannie gives a sharp bark in response and Olivia winces, resisting the urge to cover her ears at the noise and just wanting a little more quiet time before dragging herself into the precinct. But the high-maintenance animal is on her feet now, prancing enthusiastically through the disheveled blankets, and Olivia rolls her eyes, her smile widening despite her desperate need for sleep.

"Alright, let's go. Come on, girl, time to eat."

Frannie hops off the bed and follows Olivia into the kitchen where she searches Amanda's cupboards for the dog food and sets about getting Frannie's meal ready, filling one of her bowls in the corner with fresh water. She is just about to start looking for some breakfast for herself, when she thinks she hears a soft voice coming from the direction of the bathroom.

"Amanda?" she says, walking into the hallway. "Are you calling me?"

There is no answer and Olivia raises her hand to knock on the closed door, frowning slightly. She hears a quiet response but can't make out what the other woman is saying so she eases the door open, careful to stay just outside of the room and not step inside quite yet.

"Sorry, I can't hear what you're saying, honey. Do you need me for something?"

"Yes," Amanda responds in a voice so low, she has to strain to hear her.

"Okay," Olivia replies, her frown deepening, one of her feet lifting slightly off the carpet of the hallway and hovering over the tile of the bathroom floor. "What's going on?"

Again there is silence and Olivia swings the door open a little wider, feeling a sense of unease, like something isn't quite right. "Amanda, what's wrong? Can I come in?"

"Yes, you can come in."

Olivia opens the door all the way and steps into the bathroom, greeted with the sight of the closed shower curtain and a small pale hand sticking out between the curtain and the wall, holding tightly onto a razor. Her stomach immediately drops.

"Amanda-"

"I need you to take this from me," the other woman interrupts, the hesitation in her voice giving way to a firmer tone.

"Okay," Olivia whispers, a slight tremble in her voice as she reaches out to pull the razor from Amanda's shaky grip, and finding herself peering down at the object to check for any traces of blood. She realizes that her own hand is also shaking as she sets the razor on the counter and turns back toward the tub.

"I was going to hurt myself, Liv." The curtain is still closed and she thinks she hears the other woman's voice coming from the direction of the floor now, like she is sitting down in the bottom of the tub.

Olivia's throat feels tight and her heart is beginning to race, and she wishes Amanda would pull the curtain back or get out of the tub, so she can see her, so they can have this conversation face to face. " _Did_ you hurt yourself?" she asks softly, dreading the answer.

"No. I want to, but I didn't. I decided to tell you instead."

She breathes a small sigh of relief, closing her eyes for a moment. "Okay. That's good, Amanda. I'm glad you told me. I'm glad you feel you can trust me enough to talk to me about this."

"I had a bad night," Amanda whispers brokenly, and Olivia presses a hand to her closed eyes, feeling a drop of moisture there.

"I know you did, honey. I'm sorry."

"I'm going to talk to the psychologist about it when we get to work."

"Good," Olivia says, her eyebrows raising in surprise. "That's great, honey. I'm so glad to hear you say that."

She is torn between feeling immense relief at the fact that Amanda is finally reaching out and admitting to one of her problems, beforehand this time, instead of after the fact, but she is also consumed with fear and sadness, her heart aching at what the woman she loves is going through, the torment and despair, this battle she is facing seemingly never ending; that what had occurred that night in the motel with Eric, and then a few days later in the coffee shop, may have only been just the beginning, and that Amanda still has such a long road to walk.

There is silence again and Olivia reaches out toward the curtain, her hand hovering there, wanting to pull it back but resisting the urge. She does not want to invade Amanda's privacy or do anything without her express permission, does not want her to feel unsafe in her presence again. She expects the other woman to tell her to leave, that she is ready to start her shower now and get on with her day, despite what has just occurred, but all she hears is a soft sigh from the bottom of the tub.

"Amanda," she speaks quietly. "Can you please come out of there?"

"I need to take a shower," the younger woman replies, but Olivia doesn't hear her make a move to get up, doesn't hear the water turn on.

Olivia neglects to voice what she's thinking, doesn't express her concern that the smaller woman might hurt herself once she has left the room; that she does not want to leave her alone right now and is seriously considering sitting down on the floor and waiting there while Amanda showers.

"Liv, there aren't any more razors in here," Amanda sighs, as if she can read Olivia's mind. "Do you think I need a babysitter?" The question is spoken without malice or teasing and Olivia thinks she is asking the question seriously, so she chooses to respond in kind.

" _Yes_ ," she says firmly. "I don't want to leave you alone right now."

"So don't," Amanda replies softly. "Come in here with me."

"Are you sure?" Olivia is hesitant as she grips the shower curtain, starting to pull it back, and she hears the other woman assuring her that it's fine, that she would prefer Olivia not leave her alone right now anyway.

She pulls the curtain aside, feeling her heart clench at the sight on the bottom of the tub, Amanda sitting there stark naked with her knees pulled up to her chest, her arms locked around her shins and her blonde hair tumbling around her shoulders in messy golden waves. The smaller woman is looking up at her with large blue eyes, her face pale and her expression haunted.

"Hey there," Olivia says gently.

"Hey," Amanda whispers in response, a corner of her lip lifting slightly.

"Are you alright?"

Amanda shakes her head, her eyes still fixed anxiously on Olivia. "Can you take a shower with me, Liv? I need you right now." Her voice is soft, a note of hesitance in her tone, like she thinks Olivia might say no.

"Okay," Olivia replies quietly, her voice hitching slightly and her throat suddenly dry. "Are you absolutely sure that's what you want? I don't want to make you uncomfortable in any way." The situation from the middle of the night is replaying itself in her mind again, and she doesn't want a repeat of it this morning but her heart rate is starting to pick up at the thought of showering with the smaller woman, and one of her hands drifts to the top button on her pajama shirt, twisting it around in her fingers.

Amanda gets shakily to her feet and stands there in front of her, one hand on the tile wall as she reaches out to touch Olivia's arm with the other. "I'm sure. Please, Liv."

Olivia can't help but stare, her eyes sweeping from Amanda's gaze down her body, lingering for a few seconds on her breasts and then lower, before meeting the smaller woman's eyes again, and there is a slight smile on Amanda's face now.

"You are so beautiful," Olivia whispers reverently, undoing the buttons on her pajama shirt and letting the garment hang open for a moment.

Amanda's smile widens and a blush creeps across her pale cheeks, the younger woman suddenly looking shy, and Olivia sees the sideways glance in her direction as she shrugs out of the shirt and Amanda leans away from her to turn on the shower. She pulls her pajama pants down, letting them pool at her feet before stepping out of them and standing there in the nude, suddenly feeling quite shy herself.

She feels a hand on hers, fingers sliding down to intertwine with her own, and then Amanda is pulling her gently into the tub.

"You're the one who's beautiful," the small blonde says softly, and now it is Olivia's turn to be stared at, watching as the other woman's gaze roams slowly down her body in appreciation, and she feels the warmth of arousal spread through her and the heat pooling between her legs.

She pulls Amanda into her arms very carefully, holding the blonde detective against her like she might break, and it is an exquisite feeling to be skin to skin with the woman she loves, even though she is treading lightly, not wanting to make any sudden moves and needing to let Amanda be the one to take the lead.

Any reservations that the smaller woman had about being touched during the night seem to have completely disappeared now as she grips the back of Olivia's head, bringing her lips up to hers and kissing her hungrily, Olivia kissing her back just as eagerly and her hands sliding down the smooth skin of Amanda's back, both of them slowly being drenched by the spraying water from the shower head.

As the kiss becomes more passionate, Amanda's tongue slipping inside her mouth, Olivia is aware of a shuffling sound at the entrance to the room and hears the click of paws on the tile floor, can see the shower curtain moving and the shape of a nose being pressed into the material from the other side.

"Oh, Frannie, not again," she mumbles tiredly, pulling away from the smaller woman and hearing her groan of impatience.

"Honestly, Liv, what is your issue with forgetting to close the bathroom door? You think you would be used to living with Frannie by now. You know she's a busybody," Amanda sighs in exasperation, pulling back the curtain and climbing out of the tub, water raining down onto the floor in her wake. "Frannie, _out_ ," she orders in a stern tone and Olivia listens to the door being shut firmly, followed by the click of a lock.

"You locked it? Does your dog know how to open closed doors now? Is this a new skill she's picked up on that I wasn't aware of?" she asks in a wry tone, one eyebrow arched, and Amanda smirks slightly as she climbs back into the tub.

Olivia feels like the spell between them has been broken with this brief interruption, and she finds her thoughts swirling with worry again, feeling distracted from the intimacy of a moment ago as a slight impatience brews inside; the need to get to work on time, Amanda's appointment later that morning, the urges the smaller woman has to inflict more physical harm on herself, and she feels herself pulling away when Amanda reaches for her again, her hand on Olivia's arm and blue eyes fixed intently upon her own brown ones.

"Amanda, we need to start getting ready to leave," she murmurs regretfully, running a hand over the blonde woman's shoulder, but cannot seem to stop her gaze from roaming down her body again and lingering for a moment on the razor mark on her stomach, concern mixing in with the arousal and distraction.

"Seriously? Is that what you're thinking about right now, Liv? Getting ready for work?" The other woman sounds irritated and a little hurt, and she crosses her arms over her bare chest.

"I'm thinking about a lot of things right now, Amanda," Olivia replies with a sigh.

"Well, stop thinking about them," Amanda whispers fiercely. "It's too much, Olivia, okay? Everything that is happening right now is just too much. Just be in the moment with me, here and now. I need to forget, even just for a little bit. This day is going to be hard enough; it already _has_ been hard enough."

Olivia is silent for a moment, her mind still whirling with a myriad of emotions, and Amanda frowns at her and uncrosses her arms, reaching over to pick up a bottle of shampoo from the corner of the bathtub.

"Fine, Liv, if you're so anxious to get moving, then let me help you out."

Before she can say anything in response, Amanda is pouring a generous amount of shampoo into her hand and gently turning Olivia around. Any protests that had been on Olivia's lips die in her throat as the small detective begins to massage the shampoo into her hair and she leans her head back, closing her eyes as a soft moan escapes her mouth.

Amanda works quickly and efficiently, her movements perfunctory, washing her hair and then rinsing the shampoo out before rubbing conditioner into her thick dark locks and rinsing that out as well, and Olivia thinks she is still upset with her, still angry at her reluctance to linger in the shower, to be in the moment, but then she watches as the smaller woman picks up a bottle of body wash and lathers her hands up, a small smile playing at the corners of her lips, a hint of playfulness, of lust, glinting in her blue eyes.

"Turn around, Liv," Amanda whispers huskily and Olivia obeys, her heart rate picking up, the arousal that had begun to fade a bit at Frannie's interruption growing again and blooming inside, feeling that heat between her legs once more.

Amanda's movements are slower this time, more languid and sensual, as she works her hands over Olivia's shoulders and across her back, the smell of the lilac body wash filling the small space.

"Liv, you're so tense," she hears the smaller woman say softly, her fingers sliding down her spine and lingering at the small of her back for a moment before moving lower and tracing circles across her ass, making Olivia shiver. "I know you're worried but just try to relax, okay? Just forget about everything for a few minutes. It's alright."

She feels Amanda press herself against her back, the other woman's arms sliding around her waist and her face pressed into her shoulder blades, hugging her tightly from behind, and she wraps her own arms over Amanda's, squeezing her gently. She feels a small kiss being placed on her shoulder and the detective's hands slide slowly up her ribs to cup both of her breasts, her thumbs brushing over her nipples before slipping down to trace circles around her belly button.

Olivia's eyes are closed again and she moans as Amanda's hand slides lower, cupping her core briefly for a moment before pulling away. _"Amanda,"_ she says, her voice coming out in a choked whisper.

"Yes, Liv?" There is a teasing note in the other woman's tone and her hands are caressing Olivia's breasts again, more firmly this time, squeezing her nipples between her fingers, and she moans again, louder now.

 _"Please_."

"Please, what?" Amanda's mouth is against her ear and she feels a slow kiss being placed against the side her neck, the younger woman's hands still massaging her breasts.

There is an intense ache between her legs now, that desperate need for release, and she finds herself grabbing the detective's hands and trying to pull them lower. "Please stop teasing me."

"Is that what I'm doing?" Amanda asks lightly, Olivia feeling her trace a path back down her stomach, her fingers sliding between her legs and parting her gently, rubbing briefly before pulling away again.

 _"Amanda_ ," she groans out in frustration. " _Please_."

She hears a slight chuckle from behind her and feels another kiss being placed on her neck, Amanda's tongue tracing a path to her earlobe before biting down gently, one hand gripping Olivia's waist and the other trailing down again, parting her with her fingers and circling her clit with her thumb.

Olivia sucks in a sharp breath, her eyes squeezed tightly shut, her heart racing out of control, and she is so turned on, it only takes a few more strokes of Amanda's fingers before she is coming hard into her hand, her body shuddering uncontrollably and a strangled moan working its way out of her throat.

Before she has time to feel any embarrassment at how quickly she has lost control of herself, how she is so utterly and completely aroused by the other woman that it apparently only takes the softest of touches before she explodes, Amanda is turning her around and backing her up very firmly against the wall, plump lips on hers, kissing her frantically with her hand between her legs again, two fingers sliding swiftly inside and a thumb working her clit once more.

Olivia gasps into her mouth, surprised at the sudden movement and even more turned on than she was a moment ago, kissing her back passionately as shivers overtake her body, a warmth moving through her stomach and her muscles coiled, and she grits out a, " _Fuck,_ " between clenched teeth. She hears Amanda's breathy chuckle, the other woman's breathing sounding almost as quick as her own now, her fingers continuing to thrust in and out at a rapid pace.

"Come again for me, Livvy," the smaller woman whispers in her ear, and Olivia does, feeling her walls clenching tightly around those slender fingers, the orgasm speeding through her like a train and wetness pooling between her legs, her hands clutching firmly onto Amanda's shoulders to keep her knees from buckling, to keep from sliding down the wall and into the bottom of the bathtub in a boneless heap.

She feels Amanda holding her up, embracing her tightly to keep her from falling, and Olivia wraps her arms around her waist, burying her head in her neck. Amanda's hand are stroking soothingly down the sides of her body, fingers trailing over her ribs and leaving a path of goosebumps in their wake.

"You okay there, Liv?" she asks softly, and Olivia thinks she can hear a note of amusement in her tone, and a note of something else as well, Amanda's breathing still quick and her heart feeling like it is racing as fast as her own is.

"Yeah," she breathes out, feeling herself starting to come down from the high, her body shaking in the aftermath, and Amanda's arms tighten around her. "I love you, Amanda."

The small blonde pulls away slightly and looks up at her, beads of water sliding down her face from her soaked hair, and her eyes meet her own, a smile playing at the corners of her lips. "I love you too, Olivia. So much. You have no idea."

"I think I might have a slight idea," Olivia chuckles in adoration, stroking a hand over the other woman's cheek and lowering her head to meet Amanda's lips with her own.

They kiss languidly, lazily for a few minutes, and Olivia wants so badly to reciprocate what Amanda has just done for her, is still so stimulated by having the smaller woman pressed into her, their bodies sliding against one another, slick with body wash and arousal, but she is hesitant, unsure.

Amanda seems to sense how she is feeling, her indecision, her doubt, and Olivia feels her pull back, her gaze fixed intensely on her own as blue eyes bore into brown.

"It's okay, Liv," she says quietly. "I'm okay. I want you to touch me."

Olivia looks at her intently for a moment, wanting to be absolutely sure, studying the other woman's expression and trying to discern if there is any hesitation or fear, if Amanda is uncomfortable in any way. The small blonde smiles reassuringly at her, repeating herself, that she is okay, and Olivia smiles back, turning them around gently so Amanda is the one pressed up against the wall now.

She strokes the detective's wet hair back her face and leans down to kiss her again, feeling how eager the other woman is as she kisses her back, soft tongue seeking entrance to her mouth, the mood between them escalating quickly again, and Olivia finds herself feeling less reserved with the other woman now, trailing her lips across her cheek and down to her neck, her hands sliding up and down Amanda's sides.

Olivia is aware of Amanda leaning her head back against the wall, giving her more access as she continues to kiss her neck, her lips trailing over to her shoulder now, Amanda's hand resting lightly on the back of her head.

She can hear the other woman's breathing begin to pick up again, breathy little moans escaping from her throat, and she feels the heat pool between her legs once more, that ache intensifying yet again, and she trails her lips across Amanda's collarbones, hesitating for a second before going lower.

"Liv, please," Amanda breathes raggedly. "Please keep going."

Olivia very gently takes one of her breasts into her hand, rubbing a finger lightly over a pink nipple and feeling it harden into a stiff peak, and she hears another moan from above, detecting a note of frustration and impatience this time.

 _"Harder_ , Olivia. I'm not going to break."

She squeezes her breast more firmly and is rewarded with yet another moan as she kisses her way down Amanda's chest to her other breast, her mouth fastening onto her nipple and laving the tight little bud with her tongue, feeling the other woman's hand gripping her hair now, hanging on tightly.

The noises flowing continuously from Amanda's mouth are driving Olivia crazy, turning her on so much that she has to resist the urge to place a hand down between her own legs and satisfy herself, to find some relief again, and she kisses her way down the blonde woman's stomach, kneeling on the bottom of the tub and stopping short when she sees the razor mark from the other day.

"Don't stop," Amanda pants loudly. "Please, Liv, _please_."

Olivia feels that hesitation wrapping itself around her again and Amanda's hands are suddenly gripping the sides of her face. "It's alright. Just ignore it. Pretend it's not there."

"Amanda-"

"Olivia, _please_."

She hears Amanda's voice catch in her throat and she gently kisses along the scrape, unable to ignore it and wanting to soothe. She runs her lips over the smaller woman's stomach, dipping her tongue into her bellybutton, and feels Amanda shudder with pleasure against her.

Olivia rubs a hand up and down the outside of her thigh while continuing to kiss her wet skin, slowly trailing her fingers across the front her leg and onto the inside of her thigh. She winces inwardly when her fingers brush across the other razor mark, the one she had found by accident the other night, and she caresses the scrape lightly for a moment and then keeps her hand moving, trying her best not to hesitate again.

She can see the other woman spread her legs slightly apart as she trails her lips down low on her abdomen, can smell the sweet scent of her arousal, and Olivia's heart is thudding in her chest as she feels sweat gathering on her brow despite the water spraying down from the shower head. Her hand strays briefly between her own legs, feeling the moisture pooled there again, before she grips Amanda's hips with both of her hands, resting her head against her stomach for a moment.

"Don't stop," the smaller woman whispers, the words dragging out on a moan.

Olivia runs her hand up Amanda's thigh, hovering for a moment between her legs, and then presses down lightly against her, gentle fingertips trailing through slick folds, circling her clit a few times before coming to a stop.

"Are you sure you're okay?" she asks quietly, and looks up to see Amanda's chest heaving, drops of water trailing pathways down her toned stomach and her hands pressed flat against the wall behind her.

"Argh, Olivia, stop asking me that," Amanda groans, her breath coming out in short pants. "I'm more than okay. Well, other than the fact that you're trying to kill me here. _Fuck_."

Olivia smiles, her heart racing out of control, and then carefully parts the other woman with her fingers, leaning forward to press her lips against her core, her tongue licking a path up to her clit before fastening her lips around the swollen pink bud and sucking hard.

She hears a strangled gasp from above her, sees Amanda's trembling legs fall open even more, feels the blonde detective's fists clutching her hair so hard that it hurts, and she slides a finger inside of her, tongue continuing to swirl around the little bud before adding another finger and picking up the pace.

Amanda is thrusting her hips hard against her face and Olivia clutches onto the back of one of her thighs, trying to slow the frantic movements slightly before the blonde woman loses her balance, and eager to keep up the pace of her tongue and fingers, feeling like Amanda is close. She can hear the gasping breaths, can feel the other woman's tightly coiled muscles beneath her, thick hair feeling like it is going to be ripped from her head with the force that Amanda is yanking it with.

A loud moan fills the small space, echoing off the walls, and Amanda is suddenly flying apart beneath her, wet and spasming against Olivia's mouth and fingers, and she keeps going, unable to stop, wanting to bring the other woman pleasure amidst her pain, Amanda clenching against her over and over again until she is a quivering, boneless mess, bent over and grasping Olivia's shoulders weakly, and she can hear the small woman trying to catch her breath, the sounds raspy and ragged.

Olivia rests her head against the other woman's toned stomach, her arms wrapped around Amanda's narrow hips now, holding onto her gently as she comes down from the high, lips pressed to her warm, wet skin, and closes her eyes, feeling overwhelmed with love for the smaller woman. All she can taste and smell and feel is Amanda.

Her throat suddenly feels tight and she opens her eyes again, tears pooling in the corners, and she doesn't want to break this mood between them, the closeness and intimacy, the glowing aftermath of the release that they had both so desperately needed, but her heart is clenching in her chest when she looks at the razor mark again, and harsh reality is penetrating into the pleasant buzz inside her brain; the world feeling like it is crashing back down upon them.

"Amanda, I'm scared for you," Olivia admits softly before she can stop herself, reaching out to trail a finger across the scrape. "I want you to be okay."

Amanda is silent for a moment and Olivia can feel the younger woman's hands gently stroking the soaked strands of hair back from her face, her fingers trailing across her cheeks and then leaning down to hold her more firmly against her body.

"I want to be okay too," she hears Amanda whisper faintly into her ear.

They remain locked in that position for several minutes, just holding onto each other in silence, and Olivia feels like she needs to be the other woman's anchor so she doesn't slip away, feels like Amanda is standing on the edge of a precipice, teetering on the brink of something she won't be able to come back from, and desperately hopes she can keep her from slipping over the edge.

xxxxxxxxxx

When they are at work later that morning and Amanda is in the psychologist's office for a lengthy period of time, the relief Olivia feels is palpable. Another new case had come in shortly after their arrival at the precinct earlier, and Olivia, Fin and Carisi had promptly gone into the field, leaving Amanda behind at her desk, Olivia feeling a sharp stab of guilt as they had left the squad room, the blonde detective fixing her with a longing, forlorn look.

They had arrived back at the station just before Amanda's scheduled appointment and Olivia's eyes had immediately sought out the smaller woman, observing her behavior and seeming to catch Amanda in a private moment, the other woman slumped at her desk with her chin in her hands and staring into space, her leg swinging back and forth, kicking at the desk lightly with her foot. Olivia had smiled inwardly at the blonde detective's uncanny ability to resemble a pouting child, and had chastised herself for thinking that this immature aspect of her personality was actually cute and not ridiculous or inappropriate. Amanda had seemed to feel Olivia's eyes on her and had straightened up right away, apparently realizing what she had been doing; her fingers suddenly flying across the keyboard and her eyes fixed intently on the computer screen in front of her.

When Amanda had left for her appointment with the psychologist a few minutes later, Olivia had again had to deflect Fin and Carisi's questions, knowing that their teammates deserved some answers but not feeling like it was her place to tell them what was going on; that they would have to hear it from Amanda when the other woman felt comfortable enough to discuss it.

It is nearly lunch time when Amanda returns to the squad room, so she dismisses the men, telling them they can start their breaks early, and motions for the other woman to follow her into her office. Amanda stops for a moment, and Olivia can see Fin and Carisi regarding her with serious expressions, not making any moves to get up and leave.

"Hey, guys," Amanda says quietly.

"How ya doing?" Fin asks gently, and Olivia can hear the concern in his voice, can see the tension in his posture, Carisi looking the same, and it is obvious how worried both men are.

"Honestly, not that great," Amanda admits softly. "I was actually wondering if I could take you all out for lunch so we can talk about some things."

Olivia glances over at her, eyebrows raised in surprise, and she notices similar expressions on her squad mate's faces.

"That would be great, Amanda," Carisi replies, getting to his feet.

"Yup, there's nothing we would rather do," Fin adds, and Amanda smiles faintly at him.

"Okay, great," she says. "Anywhere you want to go is fine. You guys pick the place."

"Just hold up there for a minute, okay?" Olivia cuts in, raising a hand. "Amanda, can you please come into my office for a minute, before we leave?"

"Sure, Liv," the smaller woman murmurs, and trails after Olivia across the room into the privacy of her office, Olivia shutting the door behind them and motioning for Amanda to sit down on the couch.

She sits beside her on the cushions, taking the other woman's hand into her own. "So you're going to tell them what's been going on?" she asks gently.

Olivia watches as Amanda bites the corner of her lip and nods. "Yeah, I think I have to," she whispers. "I really don't want to, but they deserve to know the truth. And the psychologist thinks it's a good idea to tell the other members of my team so I have some more support, some more encouragement. He says having a support system right now is the best thing for me."

"I think he's right about that," Olivia says in agreement, squeezing her hand. "Amanda, I'm so proud of you for the steps you're taking in getting some help. Did you talk about the nightmares too?"

"Yeah, we talked about a lot of things," the blonde woman murmurs. "I feel like there's nothing we _didn't_ discuss. To be honest, I feel like I'm all talked out for the day, but I might as well keep going while I'm on a roll. I need to tell Fin and Carisi before I lose my nerve."

Amanda looks at her intently for a moment and Olivia thinks she sees tears shimmering her blue eyes before the other woman blinks and they disappear. "Liv, I just don't want them looking at me like I'm a victim again, like there's something wrong with me. I can't stand the pity."

Olivia wishes she had thought to close the blinds before they had sat down, as all she wants to do is pull the small blonde into her arms and try to soothe some of her nerves, some of her fear, but she settles for shifting closer to her on the couch, bringing Amanda's hand into her lap and holding it tightly.

"Honey, it will be okay, I promise. They're your teammates, your family, and they only have your best interests in my mind, only want to see you healthy and well, and you will have all the support you need from us, okay? They're going to be upset because they love you and it hurts them, like it hurts me, to watch you go through all of this, but it's important that they know what's going on." She links her fingers together with Amanda's, placing her other palm on top of their joined hands. "I'm so proud of you," she repeats, her tone firm.

"Thank you," the younger woman whispers, that faint smile back on her face again. "Liv...the psychologist suggested going on another leave of absence, a full leave, like after...after what happened with Eric...if I can't get myself under control." She meets her gaze, and Olivia can see the tears shining there again, Amanda blinking rapidly so they don't fall and biting down hard on her lower lip. "I can't...I can't do that again, Liv. Being taken out of the field was bad enough." The smaller woman's gaze is very intense now. "I can't lose anything else, Olivia. I won't be able to take it."

"Okay," Olivia says softly, her grip on Amanda's hands becoming impossibly tighter. "I understand that, honey, so let's work hard so that doesn't happen, alright? But Amanda...if it gets to that point, to point where you _need_ some time off, where you're just having too much trouble trying to get things under control, trying to cope, you need to be honest about it, you need to tell one of us. I know it's the last thing you want to do, to be away from your job again, but if it has to happen, then it's okay. It's not permanent. This _will_ stop at some point, Amanda. You're already taking the steps to make it stop."

Amanda pulls her hands away to lean forward, her elbows on her knees and her hands covering her face now. "Liv, I'm just so tired," she murmurs in exhaustion and Olivia can hear the choked tone of voice, can see how hard the other woman is working to keep her emotions in check and not break down.

"I know you are, sweetheart," she whispers, her heart aching, and she places her hand on Amanda's back, her fingers tracing soothing circles across the material of her shirt. "I'm tired too."

Amanda uncovers her face and looks at her, their gazes locked for a moment, and Olivia can see a myriad of emotions playing across her delicate features. "Liv, is this too much for you?" The blonde detective speaks so quietly that Olivia has trouble hearing what is being said. "I'm sorry for being this way, I'm sorry if I'm too much to handle. I would understand if this is all too much, okay?" She hears the sudden hitch in Amanda's breathing, her words coming out haltingly now. "I would understand...if you don't want to be with me...if you've changed your mind..."

Olivia stands up swiftly from the couch and walks over to the office windows to close the blinds, not caring what it looks like from the outside, what her fellow officers in the squad room are thinking or if they notice what she is doing. Amanda is staring up at her with a slightly alarmed expression on her face, blue eyes wide and looking like she is bracing herself for bad news, and Olivia sits down back down on the couch beside her, pulling the smaller woman into her arms and holding her tightly against her chest.

"I am never leaving," she says fiercely into Amanda's ear, her hand sliding into the smaller woman's long blonde hair, feeling the silky strands slipping through her fingers. "I don't care how many times I have to tell you this, how many times I have to repeat myself. No matter how bad things get, I am not going anywhere."

She feels the other woman shudder against her, hears the sharp intake of breath, the slight sniffle like she is desperately holding back her tears, and then Amanda is clutching her back just as tightly, her fingers digging almost painfully into Olivia's arm.

"I don't know what I did to deserve you, Liv," she hears her whisper. "I will never understand why you love me."

"Well, I hope someday you will, Amanda," she whispers back, closing her eyes, her own voice choked with tears now. "I hope you will realize your self worth, that what happened to you, the things that Patton and Eric have done...that they don't define you, that you are worthy of being loved."

Amanda doesn't respond and they sit there on the couch, holding onto each other for several more minutes, neither of them speaking, the only sound the occasional sniffle and the din of other conversations and footsteps outside of the office, the squad room beyond feeling like it is a world away right now. The only thing Olivia can concentrate on is the small blonde woman in her arms.

They both jump when there is a sharp knock on the door, Fin's voice asking if everything is okay, and only then do they slowly begin to pull away from each other and get shakily to their feet, Olivia using her thumb to gently swipe at a stray tear that is clinging to Amanda's eyelashes.

"You ready for lunch?" she asks quietly, a soft smile on her face.

Amanda reaches up to rub one of her eyes and then smiles back, her lips trembling slightly and looking as if she is trying to gather her courage. "Yeah, I'm ready."


	8. Chapter 8

_**This chapter is rated "M" again for more sexual content, so please be aware of that before you continue reading** **.**_

xxxxxxxxxx

When Amanda wakes up the next morning, her head resting against Frannie's soft fur, she lays there for a moment, staring at the wall in confusion and wondering why she feels strange, what is different, before realizing that she has actually slept through the night in the first time that she can remember; can't recall having any nightmares, any unwanted faces haunting her dreams, and she smiles slightly to herself, a wave of relief crashing over her. She feels more rested than she has in quite awhile and wants to enjoy this feeling, since she figures it won't last long.

Olivia is snuggled up against her, spooning her from behind, arms wrapped tightly around her stomach, having stayed over at her place again the night before. They can't seem to come to a firm decision about what to do concerning their living arrangements, even though Amanda had been so adamant a couple of days ago about living on her own and having some time and space to get herself together before moving back in with Olivia. She realizes that she had thrown a major kink into this plan by her confession the morning before, when Olivia had found her in the shower with the razor in her hand; when it had taken everything in her to not use that razor on some part of her skin, to not inflict more physical pain and damage on herself.

She knows Olivia doesn't feel comfortable leaving her alone right now and probably would have flat out refused to go back to her own apartment last night, had Amanda put up a fight about her staying overnight. She herself has been wavering back and forth on the issue, still wanting time to get herself together and try to work through her problems before she and Olivia can move forward with their life together, but at the same time having major trust issues with herself, not sure if she can stop with the self destructive behavior without having someone there to help keep her under control. It is also so hard to be apart from Olivia; just wanting the woman she is in love with to be close by, to be there all the time. It had stunned her how much she had missed the older woman when they had been apart for only a few hours a couple of nights ago, before Amanda had called her back there because of the nightmares. She feels like is at war with herself, being pulled in two different directions, trying to satisfy her wants and her needs while also keeping in mind how scared Olivia is for her well being, respecting the fact that the older woman is going through hell as well and how hard it has been for her to watch Amanda go through everything, to feel so helpless and ineffectual.

The day before had been as tough as Amanda had expected it to be, possibly even more so. It had been hard enough to be honest with Olivia about what she had so badly wanted to do to herself, inflicting that pain and punishment that she still feels she so richly deserves, so much so that she is not sure this feeling will ever go away; but talking to the psychologist and then to Fin and Carisi had been even more difficult. Her feelings on the subject of the psychologist seem to waver back and forth as well, as there is a certain relief there, when the words start pouring out of her after the initial awkward moments in his office; when she can't seem to stop talking, the words no longer halting but flowing like a river, needing to get everything out into the open. But there is terror there too, realizing that everything she says is being noted, being taken into consideration, being picked apart, and that one day she might be asked to leave her job for good, if she can't get these urges under control. It is a very strange thing to allow herself to be open and honest and vulnerable, while wishing to remain secretive and closed off and tight-lipped.

The lunch she had shared with her teammates had been the most difficult aspect of the day yesterday. They had gone to a quiet little restaurant down the block from the precinct and had sat at a private booth in the back, ordering food and eating while everyone listened to Amanda talk. She had haltingly explained everything that had been going on lately, the nightmares and the drinking and the self harm, being placed on desk duty and her appointments with the psychologist. It had been eerily silent as she had spoken, everyone's eyes fixed on her, solemn and at times surprised and upset expressions on their faces, no teasing or silliness or lightheartedness of any kind, just the serious, blunt truth. Fin and Carisi had a few questions from time to time, but she had done most of the talking, feeling awkward and put on the spot, despite the closeness they all shared, but knowing that she needed to get it out. Olivia had held her sweaty hand underneath the table for the majority of the conversation, her thumb stroking back and forth soothingly across her skin, and Amanda had never been more grateful for the other woman's unceasing support and presence. Her teammates had expressed their concern and understanding and had offered to do anything they could to help her out while she was going through this, but both men, especially Fin, had been curiously subdued throughout the meal and for the rest of the afternoon. She knows she has hurt them both deeply with her revelations and hopes it won't be awkward at the precinct that day.

Amanda is suddenly ripped from her ruminating thoughts, the peaceful silence of the early morning broken by Olivia's gasping breath from behind her, the older woman's grip around her stomach tightening to the point that she winces with pain, grunting and reaching her hands down to grasp Olivia's clenched fists, the brunette's fingernails digging into the football jersey she is wearing, and piercing her skin.

"Ouch! Liv, what's going on? What's wrong?"

She struggles to turn around in her boss' strangling embrace, Frannie alerted by the noise and sitting up beside her in the bed, emitting a soft woof. Olivia's eyebrows are knitted deeply together, her jaw clenched and beads of sweat lining her brow. She is muttering Amanda's name under her breath, and other words that she can't make out, and it is obvious that the older woman is caught in the grips of a nightmare.

Amanda has turned all the way around now, stroking a hand over Olivia's moist face and trying to gently rouse her from her troubled sleep. "Liv, wake up, honey," she says softly. "You're just dreaming, it's okay."

Frannie is pacing anxiously across the bed now, her sudden sharp bark causing Olivia's eyes to fly open, her mouth agape like she is trying to gulp in air, staring at Amanda in apparent confusion.

"Hey," Amanda greets tenderly, stroking her damp hair back from her face.

"Are you okay?" Olivia asks, frowning at her in confusion and still sounding short of breath.

"Me?" Amanda raises her eyebrows in surprise. "I'm fine, Liv. No nightmares for me during the night. Unfortunately, I don't think we can say the same for you." The older woman is still staring at her like she is not quite sure what is going on, like she is still caught somewhere between slumber and coherence, and Amanda runs a hand over her cheek again. "Liv, it's okay. Everything is fine. You were just having a bad dream."

She watches as Olivia's face suddenly crumples and her boss presses a hand to her eyes.

"Oh, Liv." Amanda's heart is aching and she sits upright in the bed, pulling Olivia up with her and holding the quivering form against her chest, feeling the other woman's heart racing and listening to her quick, panting breaths. "Hey, it's alright. What were you dreaming about? Was it about me?"

Olivia nods against her and Amanda can feel the shudders running through her body, can feel the sweat soaking through the T-shirt the other woman had worn to bed.

"Hey, it's okay, I'm fine, I promise. I'm right here with you, safe and cozy in bed, hanging out with the most annoying dog in the world," she says lightly, continuing to stroke Olivia's hair while Frannie dances around nervously through the messy blankets, her wagging tail catching Amanda right in the eye.

She winces and holds one hand against her watering eye for a moment, the other still firmly clutching Olivia to her body. The brunette's shirt feels soaked all the way through now, her breathing still sounding strained, and she leans down in concern, trying to meet Olivia's gaze with her own. "Liv, hold on for a minute, okay? I'm just going to go get a wet cloth."

Olivia doesn't protest as Amanda slides out of the bed with Frannie quick on her heels, and she throws a worried glance back at the older woman as she leaves the room, Olivia still looking a bit dazed, her posture both defensive and vulnerable at once, and Amanda hurries to the bathroom to soak a cloth in cool water, not used to seeing the woman she loves acting in this way. Usually she herself is the one so helplessly controlled by her night terrors, the one needing to be held and soothed and talked back down, and she feels guilt pierce through her at the thought of Olivia being the one to suffer because of the things she has been through; because of the choices she has made and the events that have led them to this point.

When Amanda returns to the bedroom, her pet still right on her heels, she gently shoos Frannie back out into the hallway and closes the door against the dog's whimpering protests, just needing to concentrate solely on Olivia right now. The older woman is still hunched over in the covers and Amanda pulls the blankets away from her, perching on the edge of the bed beside her and lightly running the cool cloth over her forehead and cheeks and down to her neck.

"There you go, Liv," she whispers soothingly. "You're okay, everything is okay."

It bothers her that Olivia doesn't seem willing to speak much and she frowns, realizing that this must be the way she herself behaves most of the time, when she is being tormented by nightmares and the monsters in her head, and how frightening it must be for Olivia to have to deal with this kind of thing on such a regular basis. She continues to stroke the cloth gently over the other woman's skin and sees the wet patches of sweat on her white T-shirt, the garment clinging tightly to her curvy body.

"Here, Liv, let's get this off of you, okay? Lift your arms up for me," Amanda instructs softly and Olivia complies, raising her arms up in the air so Amanda can pull the drenched shirt over her head, leaving the other woman in just a pair of blue cotton panties.

Her chest tightens at how sad and small the older woman looks, so different from her usual strong, no-nonsense demeanor, and she sits back down beside her, stroking the cool cloth over her chest and arms, watching the goosebumps pop up on Olivia's olive skin. The other woman shudders violently again and Amanda puts the cloth down, reaching over to grasp both sides of her face and forcing Olivia to meet her gaze.

"Liv, everything is okay," she repeats firmly. "Whatever you were dreaming about, it didn't happen."

"It did happen," Olivia whispers in protest.

Amanda frowns deeply. "What, honey? What happened?"

"You..." Olivia trails off and closes her eyes for a moment. "You hurt yourself."

Amanda's heart clenches painfully and she bites down hard on her lip. "I didn't, Liv," she assures her softly. "Not yesterday. I told you before I did anything, remember?"

"But you did...before that." Olivia still sounds slightly out of it, like she is not quite back to reality just yet, and Amanda shifts over on the bed, sliding in behind her and looping her arms around the older woman's waist, resting her head against her shoulder blades.

"I'm so sorry, Liv," she murmurs contritely. "I'm sorry I'm causing you so much pain." She strokes a thumb back and forth across the warm skin of Olivia's stomach, listening to the other woman's heart thumping into her ear.

"You were bleeding," Olivia mutters, and Amanda frowns again. "In my dream," she adds. "Everything was all jumbled together; you with a razor and the guys from the other day, the ones from the alley, the one who held the gun to my head."

Amanda tightens her arms around her, feeling that ache growing in her chest, and waits patiently for the older woman to keep talking. She knows what it is like to have all the monsters from her past mixing together in her night terrors, their faces swirling through her brain in a confusing mess, teaming up together to cause her more pain, more fear.

"They were holding the gun on me, making me watch you while you hurt yourself," Olivia says quietly. "They wouldn't let me help you, wouldn't let me try to stop you." She pauses slightly. "There was so much...blood...everywhere. I couldn't do anything, I was helpless." Another brief pause. "Amanda, I keep having to watch you die in my dreams."

Amanda bites her lip hard again, trying to hold back the sudden onslaught of tears. "Liv, I didn't know this was happening, I didn't know you were dreaming so much about this kind of thing." She is quiet for a moment before speaking again, her tone very gentle. "Honey, maybe I'm not the only one who needs to be talking to the psychologist."

"I still see my therapist from time to time," Olivia murmurs. "I haven't gone for quite awhile now, though."

"Well, maybe you should," Amanda suggests softly. "Liv, you've gone through so much too, these past couple of months. And I can't imagine dealing with what happened in the alley the other day, on top of everything else. I wish I could have been there with you."

"You were there, in a sense," Olivia replies, her voice low. "I couldn't stop thinking about you the whole time. I mean besides the flashbacks and being glad that you weren't in that situation with me and that you were safe. I had been trying to push down my feelings for you for such a long time before that day, but I think that's when I finally realized for sure, finally admitted to myself that I was in love with you."

"And then you came home to an empty apartment," Amanda whispers, feeling like the guilt is choking her now, feeling like she will never be able to stop causing Olivia so much hurt and pain. "I'm sorry, Liv."

She feels the older woman's hands stroking up and down the arms she still has wrapped around her waist, and then squeezing her hands, her grip tight. "Amanda, you need to stop apologizing for things you've already said sorry for. You're forgiven, sweetheart. I understand why you did it, even though you could have gone about it in a different way. It's okay."

Amanda's head is still resting against the other woman's shoulder blades, and she sniffles slightly against her skin. She can feel Olivia trying to turn around in her embrace to get a look at her but she keeps her head down, her arms locked around the older woman's waist, holding her in place. She presses a gentle kiss to her back, her lips lingering there for a moment, wanting to convey how sorry she is for everything she has put Olivia through, how grateful she is for everything she has done for her, how glad she is that she is here with her now.

She presses a soft line of kisses down her spine and hears the other woman's slight intake of breath, feels her heart rate begin to pick up, and Amanda leans back against the headboard, resting on the pillows and holding Olivia between her legs, her fingertips stroking up and down her sides, featherlight touches against her skin. The brunette gives a soft moan and Amanda places a kiss on the side of her neck, gently taking her breasts into her hands, feeling their warm weight in her palms, her thumbs brushing over her nipples and feeling them harden instantly.

Olivia's head is laying back against her shoulder now, her breathing sounding more ragged, and Amanda continues to kiss her neck, running her tongue along her heated skin, one hand trailing down her stomach to trace around her belly button before running a finger back and forth along the waistband of her panties, her other hand still massaging one of her breasts.

Olivia moans her name and Amanda's own heart rate is fluttering wildly now as she slides a hand inside the other woman's underwear, Olivia's legs falling open and her fingers meeting warm, wet heat.

"God, you're soaked," she murmurs into the other woman's ear, biting down gently on her earlobe as fingertips swirling over her tight little bud, the older woman's hips rocking back and forth and creating a pleasant friction between her own legs.

Olivia is shuddering vigorously in her embrace and it only takes a few more firm strokes with her fingers before the other woman is arching her back against her, head thrown back as she stiffens in Amanda's arms, a strangled moan working its way out of her throat.

They are quiet for a moment, both of them catching their breaths, and then Amanda hears Olivia give a soft groan of embarrassment.

"Sorry," the other woman murmurs. "Apparently it doesn't take much for me to..."

"Come?" Amanda supplies, smiling as she hears Olivia's soft chuckle. "Were you horny, Livvy?" she whispers teasingly into her boss' ear and listens to Olivia laugh again.

"Not until you started kissed my back, and then that was it for me, I guess," the other woman replies, still sounding bashful, and Amanda leans down to kiss her cheek, holding her more firmly against her body. "Sorry, Amanda. It's just...even being near you...the things you do to me...it just doesn't take much."

"It's okay, Liv, you never have to apologize for that," she replies, chuckling herself now. "It's very flattering to hear that I'm able to keep my boss in a near constant state of arousal."

"Amanda!" Olivia laughs again, swatting at the hands that are clutched firmly against her stomach, and Amanda giggles in reponse.

"Honestly," Olivia mutters, turning around in her embrace, lying on top of her now and fixing her with a stern look that dissolves into a smile. "The things you say to me, Amanda..."

She grins up at the older woman and wraps her arms around her neck, bringing her down for another kiss, slipping her tongue inside Olivia's mouth, arousal spiking through her at the thought of her boss being so turned on by her, and by the things that Olivia is doing to her now. The other woman has slid a hand underneath the jersey she had worn to bed and Amanda hears her sharp intake of breath when Olivia discovers she isn't wearing any panties.

She is already wet and is thinking that she shouldn't be teasing Olivia about getting turned on so easily when she herself is no better, and bites down hard on her lip when the older woman starts stroking her inner thighs and lifts the jersey up to place soft open-mouthed kisses on her stomach. Amanda leans her head back against the pillows and closes her eyes, her fingers threading through Olivia's hair and gasping softly when she feels the older woman's hand between her legs, fingertips rubbing her gently before slipping inside. Amanda's breath hitches in her throat and she lets out a prolonged moan, working her hips against Olivia's fingers, urging her to go faster and pick up the pace.

It is a strange thing to feel cherished and cared for, to feel someone else's hands on her in a gentle, loving manner, instead of being used and cast aside afterwards, the sole purpose of sex the violence and pain, the degradation and humiliation. It will actually take some getting used to, this new way of doing things, and she knows Olivia is treating her with reverence, is being very careful with her, almost too careful, and despite everything that has happened to her over the past several months, Amanda has the sudden twisted urge to tell her to get a little rough. She feels a wave of nausea at her disturbing thought pattern, especially since she is stone cold sober now, and can't use alcohol as an excuse for thinking such things. She doesn't voice what is on her mind, unsure why she seems to fluctuate so wildly back and forth with needing to be hurt and wanting to be safe; her urge for punishment still at the forefront of her brain a lot of the time, but also warring with her desire for safety.

"Hey," she hears Olivia whisper, pulling Amanda out of her reverie and feeling the older woman's fingers go still inside of her. "Are you alright? Are you here with me?"

"I'm here," Amanda murmurs, running her hand comfortingly over the other woman's cheek.

"You look like you went somewhere else," Olivia says in concern.

"I didn't go anywhere," Amanda assures her, stroking her face again and then reaching a hand down between her legs to meet Olivia's. "Keep going, Liv. Please."

They gaze at each other in silence for a moment, Olivia's brow slightly furrowed, and then the older woman leans in to meet her lips with her own, her fingers slowly picking up the pace again. Amanda kisses her back, closing her eyes and letting herself be in the moment with the woman she loves, determined not to get wrapped up in her own confusing thoughts, her breath catching in her throat and her back arching when she feels Olivia's fingers curl inside of her, any disturbing thoughts completely obliterated as she is overtaken by blissful satisfaction.

xxxxxxxxxx

When Amanda is at work a little while later, going over her notes for yet another new case, she finds herself wishing she was back in bed with Olivia, the strained silence of the room noticeable as soon as she had walked in, the atmosphere humming with tension; she, Fin and Carisi mumbling hellos to each other, their voices fading to silence while they had all concentrated on their work.

For once Amanda is actually glad to be left alone at her desk while the others go into the field without her. It had remained oddly quiet in the squad room that morning, no teasing whatsoever from either Fin or Carisi, not much conversation at all, actually. She had found herself trying to make light small talk when it had been just she and the guys at their desks, Olivia busy in her office; trying to make jokes to lighten the solemn, somewhat bleak mood of the room, but it hadn't worked, and the first little while at the precinct had been as awkward as she had feared it would be, everyone walking on eggshells around one another. There had been a sense of relief when they had left, instead of the longing, left-out, lonely feelings she is getting used to now when they all leave the station without her.

Although she is concerned for both Fin and Carisi, feels terrible for causing so much pain to everyone in her squad and cannot seem to squash that ever-present guilt and shame, she is very much looking forward to having lunch alone with Olivia in her office, just the two of them, a little picnic meal they had packed at Amanda's place that morning. She needs a time out, a breather from the awkwardness of the morning, and she also wants to make sure Olivia is doing better than she was when they had woken up, still worried for the older woman after her terrifying dream and confession that she apparently suffers from nightmares nearly as much as Amanda herself does.

When lunch time rolls around, Olivia is on the phone in her office, her expression tense and sounding like she is trying to reign in her impatience with whomever she is conversing with on the other end of the line, biting her words off as she speaks, her voice clipped. Amanda steps to the open door hesitantly, not wanting to interrupt, and Olivia turns around to look at her, rolling her eyes and making a flapping motion with her thumb and fingers, like the person on the other end won't stop talking, and then smiles apologetically at her. Amanda smirks and waves a hand in return as she whirls away, pretty sure they won't be having lunch together now, and trying to tamp down her disappointment.

She wanders away from the office, her eyes scanning the squad room for Fin and Carisi, and when she doesn't see them, decides to take her lunch up to the cribs for some quiet time, a bit of time to herself before the busy afternoon begins. Amanda has to admit that she is a little relieved that they aren't around right now.

She is sitting on one of the beds, legs crossed beneath her, eating the sandwich she had made and wishing it was actually as tasty as it looks, but enjoying the silence, when there is a knock at the open door. Amanda looks up to see her partner standing there, leaning against the door frame with his arms folded across his chest and an indefinable expression on his face.

"Hey there, Fin, where's your better half?" she jokes, looking around for Carisi and a tendril of apprehension curling through her as she anticipates another awkward scene between them.

"I'm looking at her," Fin says softly, and Amanda smiles slightly, cocking her head to the side in question. "You're the best partner I've ever had, you know that?" he continues in a serious tone.

Her eyebrows fly upwards in surprise and then she finds herself frowning, despite the unexpected flattering remark. "Well, thanks, Fin. Right back at ya." Amanda studies him closely. "What's the matter? Is everything okay?" She knows what the answer is, that everything is about as far from okay as it can possibly be.

"What, I can't pay you a compliment without there being something wrong?"

She arches a skeptical eyebrow at him. "What's the matter, Fin?" she repeats softly.

"Can I sit down?" he asks, gesturing to the bed she is sitting on.

"Of course," Amanda replies, sliding over to make room for him. "You don't have to ask."

He takes a seat beside her, leaning back on his hands and crossing his ankles, his posture relaxed, but when he looks at her, there is a solemn expression on his face. "I know we joke around and hassle you and give you a hard time about stuff, but you know we're always here for you, right? Especially me. You can always count on me."

Amanda smiles at him, feeling a warmth spreading through her that mixes in with the concern. "Of course I know that, Fin. You've always had my back. Who else would have dropped everything to come pick me up that night in the pouring rain, after I freaked out about kissing our boss? You let me stay at your place and took me to my appointment at the hospital the next day, even though you were pissed off at me."

Fin chuckles lightly and then falls silent for a moment before speaking again. "If I really had your back, I wouldn't have left you alone that day. I wouldn't have stopped at that motel just to pick up my damn sunglasses; I wouldn't have left you there with him...with Eric."

Amanda's chest suddenly feels tight and she takes a deep breath. "Don't do that, Fin," she says softly, her hand on his arm now. "You had no way of knowing what was going to happen. It was just a fluke that I bumped into him in that coffee shop. It wasn't like I expected you to be at my side every second of the day. It wasn't your fault. You know that, right?"

"No, I don't know that, Amanda," he replies, his voice low and rough. "I need you to know that I'm sorry, alright? I screwed up."

"You don't have to apologize." She thinks she sees the sheen of tears in his eyes and is suddenly alarmed and uncomfortable, as well as a little heartbroken. "Geez, Fin, you're not going to start crying on me, are you?" she chuckles, trying to alleviate the seriousness and tension between them. "That might get a little awkward."

He smirks slightly and she watches as he blinks rapidly a few times. "I thought Liv was going to kill me that day, Amanda," he says quietly. "Afterwards, when you had been taken back to the hospital to get checked out and we were back here dealing with Eric, she took me into her office and ripped me a new one. I've never seen her like that before, so furious, so angry that I had left you alone. And I've never seen her more anxious to get out of here, to get back to you. She was so upset that she had to be here and couldn't be with you at the hospital." He shakes his head slowly. "I should have seen it then, you know."

"What?" Amanda asks, puzzled.

"How much she loves you," Fin answers in a thoughtful tone. "I know she's in love with you, Amanda, even though the two of you like to hide things, even though you _think_ you're hiding things." He fixes her with a pensive look. "And you love her too, don't you?"

"Yes," Amanda admits, her voice dropping to a whisper. "More than I've ever loved anyone in my life. But Fin, _we_ didn't even know we loved each other at that point, so how could you have known?" She gives a slight laugh. "It's weird, huh?"

"What's weird?"

"The way that things turn out sometimes. I mean, I know Olivia and I used to drive you guys crazy, you and Carisi, and Amaro and Cragen, when they were here, because we didn't get along, because Liv was always snapping at me or ignoring me, and I was always in trouble, doing stupid things and being my usual self." She bites her lip for a moment. "And it's weird that someone like her can love someone like me."

She glances over at Fin and sees him frowning at her. "Why would you say that?" he asks, his voice stern now. "What's so weird about it?"

"Everything," Amanda mumbles with a hint of shame. "The age difference, the gap in maturity, the fact that I'm such a screw up, that I can't get my life together, that she's _Olivia Benson_ and I'm just...me."

They stare at each other in silence for a moment and then Fin shakes his head, reaching over to grip her hand. "Amanda, don't let those assholes, Patton and Eric and anyone else who has ever hurt you, don't let them win. Don't let them take everything from you." His grip becomes tighter. "You deserve what all of us deserve, okay? To be happy and loved. I know you hate yourself for making mistakes and you think this self-destructive behavior is going to somehow make things even, is going to fix the things you think you've done, but it's not. How is you punishing yourself going to make things better? This stuff that you're doing, Amanda, the drinking, the self harm, how is it actually helping?"

She shrugs, a hot blush creeping across her face, and tries to pull her hand away from his. "Because I deserve it, okay?" she whispers raggedly.

"You _don't_ deserve it," Fin hisses, gripping her hand tighter and pulling her toward him, wrapping an arm around her quivering shoulders.

Amanda stiffens against him for a moment and then melts into his embrace, feeling his arm tighten around her. They are quiet for a few minutes, and now she is the one who is close to tears and blinking rapidly to hold them back. She sniffles and feels Fin's hand squeeze her shoulder.

"Now who's the one making things awkward?" he teases, his tone light. "Don't break down on me, girl."

She laughs and sniffles again, wiping a hand over her eyes, her fingers wet when she pulls them away.

"I meant what I said when I came in here, Amanda," he says, his voice low, a certain intensity to his tone. "You're the best partner I've ever had, okay? I love you like the little sister I never knew I wanted. And I want you to be okay."

"Ahh, Fin, _stop_ ," Amanda groans, feeling more tears welling up in her eyes and wiping them away impatiently. "I'm trying _not_ to break down, here."

"Well, I'm just telling it like it is," he mutters affectionately, squeezing her shoulder once more being pulling away and looking her straight in the eye. "Thank you for being honest with us yesterday, Amanda, about what's been going on with you. I know that must have been very hard for you to say. I could tell it was hard, and I'm glad you had Liv there with you when you told us. Please don't hesitate to come to me if you need anything, okay? You don't have to hide anything from me. I don't mind dropping everything for you. You're worth it."

She turns away from him for a moment, stifling a sob as she tries to get herself under control, and feels his hand resting on her back.

"Sorry, Amanda, I know this isn't the kind of stuff I like to talk about. I'm not usually so in touch with my emotions," he says wryly.

She snorts out a laugh through her tears. "Uh, _yeah_ , Fin, this behavior isn't really you." She looks at him over her shoulder and gives a watery smile. "And for the record, I love you like the big brother I never knew I wanted, okay?"

He smiles back, and she sees the tears gathered in the corners of his eyes.

"Whoa, what's going on in here?" an alarmed voice suddenly asks, and Amanda looks up to see Carisi standing there at the door, frozen in his tracks. "I've been looking all over for you guys to see if you wanted to grab some lunch. Did somebody die or something?"

Before they can answer, Olivia's face appears over Carisi's shoulder and then she is pushing her way into the room. "What's going on?" she demands, her tone harsh and concerned. "Amanda, why are you crying?"

"He made me cry," she sniffs, jerking a thumb toward her partner. She watches as Olivia crosses her arms over her chest and turns an angry gaze on Fin. "Uh oh, is she going to rip you a new one again?" Amanda murmurs under her breath to him.

"It looks like it," he murmurs back.

"What was that?" Olivia asks, her eyebrows raised. "What are you two muttering about?"

"Liv, it's okay," Amanda says, holding up a hand. "You don't need to get upset. Fin and I were just having a little chat, a much-needed one. Everything is fine."

"Well, it doesn't look fine," Olivia replies, her tone softer now. "Fin, have you been crying as well?"

"What? Fin, you were crying, buddy?" Carisi sounds surprised, a concerned expression on his face, and not a trace of teasing in his voice. "Are you alright?"

"Ah, man," Fin groans, rubbing his hands over his face. "I think the only thing that has died in here is my self respect."

"Fin, it's okay," Amanda says gently, reaching over to touch his arm. "Guys, leave him alone. We were having a private conversation and things got a little emotional, alright? It's fine."

Olivia is still standing there with her arms crossed, her expression a bit uncertain now, looking undecided about what she wants to say. Carisi just looks plain uncomfortable, scuffing the toe of his shoe along the scarred linoleum of the floor and glancing back and forth between Amanda and Fin, his eyebrows pulled together in a slight frown.

"So this is awkward..." Amanda finally mumbles, after a moment of silence. "Look, why don't we all just go somewhere for lunch again, okay? This sandwich tastes like crap anyway," she adds, looking distastefully down at the remains of her meal.

"In a minute," Olivia says quietly. "Guys, can you give Amanda and I a moment alone, please?"

"Sure, boss," Carisi answers, looking quite relieved and exiting the room immediately.

Fin gives Amanda's shoulder a squeeze as he gets to his feet, and Amanda smiles up at him gratefully.

"Thanks, Fin," she says softly and he winks at her, giving her a gentle smile in return before leaving the room as well.

When the men have both left, Fin closing the door behind him, and it is just she and Olivia in the cribs, Amanda looks up at her and shakes her head. "Liv, you need to calm down a bit, okay? You don't need to be running to my rescue every time I get a little upset about something. Fin was just talking to me, he wasn't doing anything wrong. You're a little intense and overprotective and scary sometimes, you know that?"

"Well, you said he made you cry," Olivia murmurs, the guilt noticeable in her expression now, and shifting her weight from one foot to the other. "I was worried, alright? I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I don't like it when you cry."

Amanda rolls her eyes and can't help the smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. "He wasn't making me cry in a bad way, Liv. You should know he wouldn't do that. I'm making progress with everyone, okay? So just be happy about it."

Olivia sits on the bed next to her and takes her hand into her own. "Amanda, I think this progress you're making is wonderful; that you're opening up and talking about things with the psychologist and the guys, that you didn't have any nightmares last night, but it's only been a _day_ since you last wanted to hurt yourself, since you last had a bad dream. So I'm not going to stop being all 'intense and overprotective and scary', as you so eloquently put it. Just like you're not going to be magically better overnight, neither am I, okay? We're both works in progress here."

"Yeah, okay," Amanda murmurs, giving her hand a squeeze. "I understand that, Liv. Just try not to jump down other people's throats when they're just talking to me, alright?"

"Alright," Olivia replies, with a sigh. "I'll try."

"Good," Amanda says, smiling at her.

"Do you still want to have lunch together or were you enjoying your alone time?" Olivia asks, returning her smile.

Amanda sighs heavily. "What alone time? I've been interrupted so many times now, that it can no longer be classified as 'alone time'. And we were supposed to have lunch together anyway, so let's go." She gets to her feet, still gripping the other woman's hand and pulling Olivia up with her. "Let's go find the guys and tell them to join us. I'm not a fan of the awkwardness going on here today. It's hard enough being here when I'm not allowed out in the field and I don't want to put up with this shit on top of everything else."

Olivia chuckles as they walk down the stairs. "That's understandable. You need to give them time to adjust to everything, though, Amanda. Everyone is going to be feeling a lot of different things right now, so I think we all need to be patient with each other and try a little harder."

"That's excellent advice, Liv," Amanda replies, throwing her a look over her shoulder as they stride back into the squad room. "Just remember to take your own advice too, okay?"

Olivia rolls her eyes at her and Amanda gives her a cheeky grin before spotting Fin and Carisi milling around by the door, voices low in conversation.

"Hey, guys," Amanda says, interrupting them. "Let's go out somewhere to eat, okay? How about we just try to enjoy our lunch hour before it's done? Let's just grab a nice meal somewhere."

"Sounds good to me," Carisi replies, and Fin nods his agreement.

"Just hold that thought," Olivia says, and Amanda can hear the phone ringing in her office.

She watches the older woman stride quickly across the room and pick up the phone on her desk, and then turns back to the guys, crossing her arms over her chest. "Apparently it's going to be tough to get a meal today," she murmurs in irritation.

They chat for several moments, the conversation light, and Amanda feels a wave of relief as she banters back and forth with both men, teasing each other and goofing around, the day finally beginning to feel somewhat normal.

"Where do you want to go to eat?" Carisi asks. "There's that new Chinese place down the street. We could try there."

"Nah, I'm sick of Chinese food," Fin replies. "That's all I've been eating lately."

"Maybe try cooking for yourself once in awhile," Amanda suggests teasingly. "Instead of eating out all the time."

"Or order pizza instead," Carisi adds.

Amanda smirks and then glances over toward the office, frowning slightly when she spots Olivia through the window, the other woman standing stock still in the middle of the room, the phone to her ear and a hand over her mouth.

"What's up with the boss?" Fin murmurs, and Amanda sees that he has followed her gaze and is watching Olivia as well.

"I think we're about to find out," Carisi says, as Olivia comes to the door and stops there for a moment, the older woman's gaze locked on her own.

"Amanda, can you please come in here for a minute?" she asks, her voice sounding tight, strained, and Amanda's frown becomes deeper, glancing briefly at Fin and Carisi, meeting their concerned gazes before walking into the office.

Olivia immediately shuts the door and starts closing the blinds and Amanda feels a sudden stab of dread at the other woman's actions, a sense of alarm growing within her; can see how pale her boss is, the slight trembling in her body as she sits down on the couch, patting the space beside her.

"Amanda, come sit down with me," Olivia says softly.

"What's going on?" she asks, not moving from where she is standing. "What's wrong?"

"Amanda, please come and sit down."

"What's _wrong_ , Olivia?" she snaps. "Tell me now."

Olivia stares at her in silence for a moment and then takes a deep breath. "I've just received a phone call...about Eric...about an incident at the prison this morning."

Amanda nods and feels the dread growing; she doesn't want to hear about the incident, doesn't want to hear anything about him ever again.

"Amanda, Eric is dead."

She stares back at Olivia, her brow wrinkling, trying to digest this information. "Okay...what happened?"

"He was killed. By another inmate, while he was in the shower."

Amanda raises her eyebrows, unsure of how she is supposed to be feeling, not able to feel anything at the moment but numb. "Because of his drug habit? I'm assuming he was still using in prison, since he seemed to have such an issue on the outside. I know it's not that difficult to obtain drugs in there, if you have the right connections. Or was it because of his violent tendencies? Or because he owed money to someone from his gambling?" She is rambling and watches as Olivia holds up a hand.

"Amanda, it had nothing to do with drugs or fighting or gambling."

"Well, what then, Olivia? Don't keep me in suspense. What happened? Why was he killed?" Her heart is racing and instead of feeling relief that the man who has tormented and abused her will never be going free, that she won't have to suffer through a trial now, that she will never have to worry about him again, all she can feel is that dread clinging stubbornly onto her.

"Look, I don't know the whole story, okay? We just have bits and pieces of it right now. But there were several witnesses to the murder who heard the conversation beforehand, as the particular inmate who committed the murder is already in prison for multiple life sentences and apparently wasn't trying to hide what he came into the showers to do. According to multiple witnesses, someone from the outside set this up, to have Eric killed." Olivia pauses for a moment, her gaze fixed intently on Amanda. "Apparently this was retribution."

Amanda feels the color draining rapidly from her face, a sudden wave of nausea overtaking her, and the room spins around her in a dizzying fashion. "Retribution? Liv, I didn't do anything..."

"I know you didn't," Olivia says softly. "It has nothing to do with you. It has to do with another incident that allegedly occurred the night after you met him in the motel room that last time."

Beads of sweat have popped out on Amanda's brow now and she swallows hard. "What do mean, 'another incident'?"

"Amanda, can you come and sit down?" Olivia whispers, a pleading note in her tone now.

"Olivia, what do you mean?" Amanda snaps impatiently. "What do mean 'another incident'? As in he hurt someone else? After...after he hurt me?" She takes a deep breath. "I don't understand. What happened in the motel room between Eric and I...that happened almost two months ago. If something else happened, why haven't we heard about it before now? Why didn't the victim say something..."

She can feel a violent trembling in her limbs now and she clenches her fists together, suddenly swamped in memories of the day after the beating and rape in the motel room; her memory coming back in the hospital room, throwing up in the bathroom, refusing the rape kit and showering, shutting down completely and not talking to anyone; refusing to participate in her case in any way, not giving any information, just wanting to be left alone, just wanting to disappear, just wanting it all to go away and pretend it had never happened, the shame too much for her to bear.

A specific conversation with Olivia pops into her head; the discussion they had in the hospital bathroom, her boss asking why she was letting him get away with what he had done, what if he went out and did the same thing to someone else. Amanda remembers snapping back at her, telling her that she wasn't in control of what he did, basically saying that it wasn't her problem anymore, that it was over and done with for her, that she had washed her hands of the situation, apparently having learned nothing from what had happened with Patton and Reese, and now it looks like history is repeating itself.

She hadn't been able to come clean about the actual events that had taken place in the motel room until the next day, when she had time to come to her senses, when the affects of the head injury had lessened a little, when her teammates had been surrounding her, asking her all those questions, when the confession had come bursting out of her in Olivia's apartment, when she and her boss had talked later on the couch. The awful confession that she had let him do terrible things to her for so long and then she hadn't been able to stop him...

Amanda's voice is shaking as she speaks and she closes her eyes. "Olivia...what-" She stumbles on her words. "What was the retribution for? What did he do?" She takes a deep breath. "Did he rape someone else because...because I waited too long to say something?" She stares at the other woman in horror, afraid to hear the answer, the guilt stabbing into her before she even hears her boss' reply, and before Olivia can respond, Amanda speaks again, her words coming out in a terrified whisper.

"What have I done?"


	9. Chapter 9

**_This chapter is rated "M" for sexual content._ **

_**MAJOR trigger warnings for talk of suicide, so please be aware of that before you continue. This chapter is extremely dark.** **  
**_

xxxxxxxxxx

"You didn't do anything, Amanda.," Olivia says, standing up from the couch with her heart pounding wildly and her gaze locked on the other woman, the blonde detective staring straight back at her, fists clenched at her sides, expression distraught and eyes pleading.

"Tell me now, Liv," Amanda replies, her voice rough and strangled. "I want to know what happened. Tell me what Eric did, tell me why there was a need for retribution."

"We don't know the whole story," Olivia explains softly, taking a step closer to the trembling woman. "The inmate who committed the murder is being questioned, and they're trying to find the person responsible for setting it up. Right now, the inmate is not doing any more talking, though. He gave the reason why he did it because he wanted Eric to know before he killed him, but he's not naming any names. Apparently the altercation in the shower was quite intense and prolonged."

"Well, what was the reason?" Amanda demands to know, her voice rising and her tone becoming more insistent. "Tell me right now, Olivia!"

Olivia holds her breath for a second, biting down hard on her lower lip, not wanting to say more than she has already said and wishing she hadn't had to say anything at all. She is terrified for the woman she loves; Amanda finally beginning to tiptoe towards recovery, taking the first cautious steps in admitting to her problems and being willing to discuss them, and she doesn't want the other woman to take a giant step backwards, to fall off the recovery wagon altogether. Olivia knows what she has to say will absolutely shatter her; that the guilt and the shame and the regret that are still clinging to her like a second skin will only pull even tighter, will only drive her towards more self destructive behavior, and might actually cause her to do something that she won't be able to come back from.

" _Olivia_. Talk to me. _Please_."

She sighs and closes her eyes for a moment, steeling herself, before opening them again and fixing her gaze on Amanda's wide blue eyes, the younger woman regarding her intensely, unblinking. "What _allegedly_ happened, is that someone this inmate had previously been in contact with on the outside came to him for help in getting Eric out of the picture, came to him seeking revenge for something that had happened to his sister, on the night after the incident with you."

She watches as Amanda clenches her jaw and draws in a sharp breath. "What happened? Why did she wait so long to say something to someone? Why didn't she come to us, to the police?" She pauses and puts a hand over her mouth briefly. "I mean, I know I'm the last person who should be asking that question, but what was her reason?"

"Amanda..." Olivia covers her eyes for a moment, her throat feeling constricted, and she just wishes Amanda would sit down with her instead of standing there so rigidly, looking like she is torn between bolting from the room and needing to hear what Olivia has to say, that wild, unpredictable expression on her face.

"Please, Olivia," the other woman begs.

"Amanda, the young woman herself, the one this allegedly happened to, never said anything to anyone."

"What?" Amanda murmurs, her brow furrowed in confusion. "I don't understand."

"Sweetheart, please come and sit down," Olivia whispers imploringly.

Amanda is regarding her with a terrified expression now, her entire body shaking violently, but still she doesn't move and just stands there, staring at her. Olivia wants to walk over there and wrap her up in her embrace, but instead she tells her the truth.

"Amanda, the woman killed herself a few weeks ago."

"What?" The blonde woman's voice is stunned, her tone low and raspy, her wide blue eyes standing out starkly against her chalk white skin.

"Come and sit down, honey," Olivia urges gently, placing a hand on Amanda's arm, only to have the smaller woman pull away from her forcefully.

"Tell me what happened," she says, her tone fierce now, enunciating each word carefully, no room for arguments.

Olivia sighs, her heart skipping a beat in her chest, and she rubs her moist palms against the material of her dress pants. "According to the inmate who committed the murder, this woman's suicide was completely out of the blue, took the family by complete surprise, and they had no idea why it had happened until one of the family members found her journal shortly after, and there were entries written with specific dates and names and the things that had happened to her. She didn't even know Eric's name until she happened to catch a story about him on the news after the hostage situation with us, and recognized him as the man who had hurt her."

Amanda looks like she is swaying slightly on her feet now and Olivia reaches out to grab her arm again, but the blonde detective sidesteps out of her reach, gesturing for her to keep talking.

"Apparently the journal contained information about the woman meeting up with Eric on this particular night, that they didn't know each other, that she had met him at a bar, and that he had raped her in a motel room, that he was drunk and on drugs when it had happened, as was she. He claims he didn't remember it when she confronted him about it the day afterwards, and she was afraid that no one else would believe her because she was intoxicated and using illegal substances at the time."

"Well, according to Eric, if he can't remember it, then it didn't happen," Amanda mutters darkly, and Olivia closes her eyes for a moment again, flashing back to the scene in the coffee shop bathroom when Amanda was holding the gun on Eric, telling her that her life had been ruined but he didn't even remember it; the man's taunting comment that the incident hadn't actually happened if he couldn't recall it.

"Amanda, we don't know if this even happened for sure," Olivia says softly. "This is just the story that is coming out right now; the information that the man who killed Eric, and the other inmates, are giving. Everything will have to be verified; the person who set this up will have to be caught and brought in for questioning. He shouldn't be too hard to find, so hopefully we will have the whole story soon. Eric might not have been the person who hurt this woman; she may have killed herself for an entirely different reason. It could have been a false accusation. Maybe the inmate who committed the murder targeted the wrong person; maybe it was a mistake. There are so many variables right now."

"How old was the woman?" Amanda whispers, blue eyes locked on Olivia's brown ones.

"Amanda..."

"How _old_?"

"She had just turned nineteen."

Amanda's face is leached of all color now, her complexion absolutely ashen, and she sways again on her feet, clapping a hand over her mouth. Olivia springs forward to grab her garbage can off the floor, thrusting it underneath the other woman's chin just it time for Amanda to throw up her meager lunch and what looks like all of her breakfast. Olivia wraps one hand firmly around the smaller woman's waist while continuing to hold the garbage can in the other, and tries to guide her into a sitting position on the couch, Amanda shaking so violently in her grip, she can barely hold onto her.

The other woman's knees buckle and Olivia quickly sets the garbage can down, both arms wrapped around Amanda's waist now, lowering her as gently as she can onto the floor. The detective's breath is coming out in short, harsh pants and she gags, covering her mouth with both hands, and Olivia reaches over to grab the garbage can again, shoving it beneath Amanda's chin just in time for her to vomit once more.

"Are you alright?" she asks softly, when the other woman leans back against the wall, eyes closed and breathing hard, forehead beaded with sweat. Her heart is breaking for the small detective and she reaches her hand over to smooth the rumpled hair back from her moist forehead.

"Nope," Amanda gasps and then gets up on her knees, leaning over the garbage can and retching so hard that Olivia winces with sympathy, before kneeling beside her and gathering her long blonde hair away from her face, holding the silky strands in one hand while she rubs the younger woman's back with the other.

She can feel the intense shudders wracking Amanda's body underneath her palm as she squats next to her, and she smooths her hand over her shirt, the smaller woman's heart racing against her touch. "Honey, maybe I should take you home," she offers gently.

Amanda shakes her head and Olivia moves closer to her as the other woman slumps back against the wall, pushing the garbage can away from her. "I don't need to go home," she replies shakily.

"I think you do," Olivia answers quietly, reaching over to move some damp hair out of Amanda's eyes. "I can take the rest of the day off to stay with you."

"Liv, you can't do that," Amanda mumbles in protest. "You've missed too much work already and so have I. I can't keep taking time off every time something happens. I'm going to lose my job."

"You're not going to lose your job," Olivia says firmly, her hand stroking down the smaller woman's cheek, her skin cold under her touch despite the intense vomiting session and the bead of sweat that rolls down her temple. "If you won't go home, at least talk to the psychologist again."

"I don't have another appointment until next week."

"I'm sure I can get you in on an emergency basis again."

"Liv, you need to stop this," Amanda cautions in a low tone. "You need to watch yourself. You can't keep using your authority to get me appointments and to take time off to stay with me. If your superiors haven't already caught wind of what's going on between us, they will. My job is already on the line and yours might be too. And then we won't have to decide on where we're going to live because there won't _be_ anything to decide on. There won't be any decisions to make if neither of us can afford to pay our rent anymore."

Olivia sighs and moves closer to her on the floor, placing a tender hand on her knee. "Amanda, I think you're jumping to conclusions here and blowing things a little out of proportion. You let me worry about my superiors and you just concentrate on getting through this, on getting help and getting well."

There is a knock on the door and Olivia figures it is Fin and Carisi, worried and wondering what it is going on, but she hesitates before getting to her feet to open it, looking intently at the small blonde woman still huddled on the floor, one hand resting lightly on the garbage can as if she might need it again soon.

"It's fine, Liv, just answer it," Amanda says wearily, flapping a hand at her. "You might as well tell them what's going on. No more secrets between any of us anymore, right?"

Olivia nods slowly, her heart still fluttering with concern for the other woman, and turns away to open the door, Fin and Carisi standing there with concerned frowns on their faces. She ushers them into the office and sees their surprised expressions when they notice Amanda sitting on the floor, the garbage can in her lap now, arms wrapped around the metal container, ghostly pale and trembling.

"What the hell is going on?" Fin asks in confusion, taking a step toward his partner. "What just happened in here?"

"Guys, sit down for a minute," Olivia says quietly, gesturing toward the couch. "We need to talk about something."

"Amanda, why are you on the floor?" Fin questions, squatting down beside her and resting a hand on her back. "Are you sick? Come sit on the couch with us."

Olivia sees her flinch away from him and notices the frown become deeper on Fin's face, the slightly hurt expression that crosses his features, and she puts a hand on his shoulder. "Just leave her alone for minute, Fin. She's not feeling well. Come talk to me, okay?"

The three of them sit down on the couch and she fills them on what has happened that morning and the information she has now, tells them she is waiting for updates, waiting for the missing pieces to be filled in, that they don't have the whole story as of yet. Her chest feels tight when she sees their stunned expressions, similar to the deer-in-the-headlights look that had been on Amanda's face earlier, and she knows they are just as scared and devastated for the younger woman as she herself is, but there is slight sense of relief there too, that she has someone to share this with, other people to keep watch over Amanda, who have her best interests at heart, who love and care for her and will do anything to make sure she is safe and not a danger to herself.

When she is done talking, Fin and Carisi each take turns kneeling down beside Amanda on the floor, murmuring words of comfort and assuring her that they will be there for her for whatever she needs, and then they leave the office, Fin pulling Olivia aside for a moment when they have stepped outside the door.

"Liv, this is crazy," he mutters in a low tone. "How much more can she take? This is too much." He crosses his arms over her chest and Olivia can see him gritting his teeth, looking like he is trying to reign in his intense anger. "If that sick son of a bitch hadn't already been killed, I'd do the deed myself. Nineteen years old, Liv? That girl was practically a child. What else has this guy done that we don't know about? How many more victims are out there?"

"I don't know, Fin," Olivia replies softly. "We still need some answers here. What happened is absolutely horrific, but my main concern is for Amanda right now."

"As is mine," Fin says, his voice practically a whisper now. "Liv, this couldn't have happened at a worse time. This might be the thing that pushes her over the edge. We need to do something, we need to look out for her, make sure she's okay at all times."

"I know," she answers somewhat fearfully and swallows down another wave of horror for the other woman. "And we will. I'm trying to convince her to let me take her home but she's not having it."

"Well, maybe it would be better for her to stay here," Fin states quietly. "She can concentrate on our cases so she's not thinking about it all the time, and we'll all be here to watch over her."

Olivia is about to reply when she hears a loud cough from inside the office and cranes her neck to see Amanda bent over the garbage can once again. "Shit," she murmurs. "Excuse me for a minute, Fin."

She rushes back inside, closing the door swiftly behind her and getting down on the floor beside the other woman, ready to assist her, but Amanda pushes her away, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand and leaning against the wall again.

"I'm fine, Liv."

"Amanda..."

"I'm _fine_ ," the smaller woman insists, her voice more firm.

"Oh, really?" Olivia asks skeptically, tone sharp now, her arms crossed and her eyebrows raised. "Just like that, huh? Everything's good?"

Amanda stares at the floor, not meeting her gaze.

"Amanda, I know you're about as far from fine as you can get," Olivia says softly. "You don't have to lie to me."

"I need to get back to work, Liv," the blonde woman replies quietly. "Our cases aren't just going to magically solve themselves. The world doesn't stop turning just because some asshole junkie rapist gets offed in the prison showers."

"And because a young woman loses her life," Olivia whispers sadly. "Talk to me, Amanda. I know you're hurting."

The blonde detective continues to stare at the floor, her pale features fixed in a stubborn expression.

 _"Amanda_."

The younger woman raises her eyes to meet her own, her gaze surprisingly stoic; that haunted, stunned look gone from her expression, and Olivia frowns at her.

"I know you guys want me to be okay," Amanda murmurs. "So I will be. I'm going to get back to work."

"Amanda, don't be ridiculous," Olivia snaps, her eyebrows raised again. "Of course we want you to be okay, but you've just had a major shock here. You need to feel what you're going to feel. Don't worry about us. We can handle it."

"Liv, if anything else happens with me, with my behavior...I'm afraid I'm going to be let go," Amanda says softly. "I'm treading on thin enough ice as it is. I don't have a choice to be anything _but_ okay."

Olivia regards her intently for a moment, her heart aching, and she would give anything to take all of this away from the woman she loves, all the pain and agony and uncertainty, and she reaches out to rest a gentle hand on her knee. "Honey, I appreciate that you want to be okay, that you're going to keep trying despite what has happened, and that you want to carry on with your day, but I'm not sure how realistic that is right now."

She sees the determined expression on the blonde woman's face and she sighs, giving her knee a squeeze. "Amanda, if you need _anything_ at all today, please let me know, okay? There's no shame in admitting that you're not fine and you need some time to come to terms with everything."

"Okay," Amanda mumbles in response, and Olivia is unable to rid herself of that intense fear as she watches the other woman's gaze slide away from her.

Her thoughts are in turmoil as Amanda picks herself up off the floor, steadying herself against the wall for a moment and wiping a hand over her mouth again, looking resolute.

"Come on, Liv, let's get back to work."

xxxxxxxxxx

The rest of that day and the next several days pass by quickly, the hours so busy and packed that Olivia feels like she needs to stop and catch her breath by the time Friday evening of the following week rolls around; needs a break from the whirlwind of constant activity. In addition to their current caseload, she has been kept apprised of the situation with Eric at the prison, Amanda having to take multiple breaks throughout the past week for meetings with her lawyer to wrap things up and to talk to the investigators dealing with Eric's case, as had everyone who had been involved with the man in any way leading up to his death. The blonde detective had been cleared almost immediately from any wrongdoing, as Olivia knew she would be, and there has already been an arrest, a young man of twenty-two years of age having been brought in for questioning earlier in the week and breaking down and admitting to what he had done, that he had just been getting justice for his sister.

The entire case looks as if it is going to be wrapped up rather speedily, but that hasn't made it any less heartbreaking for Olivia as she has learned more about what had happened, the young woman being raped by Eric in the same motel as the one Amanda had been beaten and raped in, the very next night after the blonde detective's brutal assault. The woman's family had no idea what had happened as she hadn't said a word to anyone, but had written it all down in her journal, the entries more and more disturbing and hopeless, until she had felt no choice but to take her own life a couple of weeks after it had happened. Her brother had been the one to find the journal and to set up the murder with the inmate at the prison, a longtime friend of the family who was more than eager to get the job done, and he is now in prison himself, awaiting trial.

She has watched Amanda withdraw more and more into herself over the past several days, insisting when pressed that she is fine, that she won't fall back down into that dark hole of self harm and drinking, but has not been eating much and appears to have lost several pounds. Olivia has not seen any evidence of Amanda sliding backwards in her recovery, other than the smaller woman's deafening silence and the blank, glazed look in her eyes, but she has that same feeling she had after finding Amanda in the shower with the razor that day; that the blonde detective is standing on the edge of a precipice and is going to tumble over the edge, that the other shoes is going to drop and it's just a matter of how and when.

Olivia is exhausted as they sit on Amanda's couch on Friday night, almost nine days after Eric's murder, watching some inane comedy, the worry and stress wrapped around her like a vise, and she can't keep her mind off of the smaller woman; wants to take her into her protective embrace and never let go, but is trying to keep her distance, trying to keep from smothering her and forcing her to talk, trying to let Amanda be the one to dictate how she get through this latest setback, how she will deal with things and try to continue on with her recovery and move forward. She can't even begin to imagine the devastation, the guilt, that the other woman feels, and the constant silence is grating on her nerves, is making her feel like she herself is the one who might snap instead of Amanda. The smaller woman sits beside her on the couch, eyes fixed on the TV screen, her finger hooked through one of the belt loops on Olivia's jeans and her head resting briefly against her shoulder from time to time, but not allowing much more physical contact than that.

Olivia had lain awake for the majority of the previous nights, back in Amanda's bed again, having brought more clothes over from her own place, too afraid to leave the other woman alone for any length of time. She has been too terrified to sleep, rolling over or sitting up in bed every time the smaller woman has so much as moved or taken a deep breath or mumbled a word while slumbering. She keeps expecting Amanda to bolt upright screaming or start sleepwalking, and she has been unable to get the images of the razor marks out of her head, the image of the other woman's hand sticking out of the bathtub, pleading with Olivia to take the razor from her before she could hurt herself. But Amanda has been quiet for the majority of the past several nights, as quiet as she has been during the days, and if she has been suffering from nightmares of any kind, which Olivia is sure she has been, she has remained tight-lipped on the subject.

When the movie they are watching is done and they settle down for the night, Olivia hopes for some rest for herself, for some peace of mind, for her own nightmares to be gone and for her whirling thoughts to be calm. She is hoping that Amanda will finally open up to her at some point during the weekend, will share her feelings on what has been going on over the past while, will finally break that stubborn, resolute silence.

When she opens her eyes it is still pitch black, the clock on the nightstand reading 3:17am, and she wonders what has awoken her, before realizing that it is the quiet, the emptiness of the room, no one else moving or breathing in the bed. She sits up suddenly, her eyes scanning the room for Amanda, but neither she nor her dog are there, and Olivia's throat feels tight when she sees that she is alone.

She scrambles out from underneath the covers and stumbles into the hallway, softly calling the other woman's name, but there is no answer from Amanda, no click of toenails on the floor from Frannie, the bathroom and living room just as empty as the bedroom. For a brief moment she thinks that Amanda has left again, has packed up her stuff and taken off from her own apartment, but realizes how ridiculous this notion is and wipes a weary hand over her eyes.

Olivia gasps when she flicks the light on in the kitchen, pressing a hand briefly to her chest in surprise and her heart giving a quick leap. Amanda is sitting on the floor right by her feet, clad in a tank top and panties, leaning back against the wall and staring straight ahead with a blank look on her face, Frannie curled up beside her.

"God, Amanda, you scared me!" she exclaims. "What are you doing?"

The smaller woman doesn't answer, seeming to stare straight through her, but Frannie lifts her head when she sees Olivia, her tail thumping against the kitchen floor in greeting.

"Amanda, what's going on?" Olivia asks, trying to keep the alarm out of her voice and remain calm. She squats on the ground in front of the other woman and takes her face into her hands, trying to force Amanda to meet her gaze. "Honey, why are you sitting on the floor in the dark?"

Amanda still doesn't speak, avoiding her gaze, and Frannie whines nervously beside her.

"Amanda, talk to me," Olivia says firmly. "What's going through your head right now? Did you do something? Do you need some help?"

The younger woman is still unresponsive and Olivia sits down on the floor in front of her, rubbing her hands briskly up and down Amanda's arms and feeling how cold the skin is underneath her touch, goosebumps raised and puckered. "Sweetheart, are you here with me?" she asks, her tone softer now.

When the blonde detective still doesn't answer, she hesitates for a moment, biting her lip briefly, before taking each of Amanda's arms into her hands in turn, raising them up gently and turning them around in the air to look over every single inch of her pale skin for any suspicious marks. When Olivia is satisfied that she doesn't see any, she backs away slightly to run a critical gaze over each of her legs, her eyes falling upon the healing wound on her inner thigh but not seeing anything that looks fresh, that looks like it has been done in the past few hours.

She peers intently at Amanda and the other woman finally raises her eyes to meet her own, that same blank expression in her gaze, and Olivia resists the urge to shudder. "Amanda, can you lift your shirt up for me?" she asks softly, and notices the other woman frown slightly. "I need to check if you've hurt herself."

"I didn't," Amanda whispers.

Olivia is silent and they continue to regard each other, both of them unblinking.

"You don't trust me?" the smaller woman asks quietly.

Olivia bites her lip again, harder this time, and then shakes her head slowly. "I want to, Amanda, I really do..."

Amanda's frown becomes deeper and then she suddenly gets to her feet, seeming to snap out of her daze, whipping her shirt over her head and tossing it to the floor. "There, Liv, are you happy?" she spits out, holding her arms away from her body and turning around in a circle.

"Amanda..." Olivia stands up beside her, heart clenching in her chest, feeling a stab of guilt but also a wave of relief when the only other mark she sees is the one Amanda had inflicted on herself a couple of weeks before, the nearly healed scrape marring the otherwise smooth, toned skin of her stomach.

"How about I get completely naked so you can have a good long look?" Amanda continues bitterly, her thumbs hooked underneath the waistband of her panties now, poised to pull them down. "Seeing as I'm so untrustworthy and all."

"Okay, stop," Olivia states sternly, rubbing one hand over her eyes in exhaustion and reaching out with the other to halt the smaller woman's motions. "I'm sorry, Amanda, I really am. I'm just scared for you, but I didn't mean to upset you or embarrass you. I didn't mean to make you feel unsafe."

"The only thing I'm feeling right now is pissed off," Amanda snaps, crossing her arms over her bare chest.

"Well, good," Olivia snaps right back, picking the younger woman's shirt up off the floor and trying to hand it back to her. "I'm glad you're feeling something, Amanda. Pissed off is better than the silent zombie you've been for the past week."

She watches as Amanda's pale face becomes mottled red with anger, her hands clenched into fists at her sides, and is surprised at the sudden explosion of intense emotion. "You don't even care, do you, Olivia?" the other woman hisses venomously. "You don't even care how hard I've been trying since I found out...since I found out what happened with that young woman. You have no idea how difficult the past week has been, how much I've wanted to drink every fucking bottle of alcohol at every bar I pass, how much I've wanted to gamble away every cent I have to my name, how much I've wanted to drag a razor across every inch of my skin, but I _haven't_. I haven't done anything like that! I haven't done anything even remotely self-destructive and you still don't trust me! It's kind of hard to get better when the person I love most in the world is just waiting for me to do something terrible to myself!"

Olivia feels another sharp stab of guilt, her stomach twisting painfully as she listens to Amanda's rant and sees the tears of rage gathered in her eyes, the smaller woman glaring spitefully at her now, the blank expression replaced by one of pain and anguish and hurt, and she holds up a hand, ready to apologize, to tell her that she is so proud of her for trying so hard, but Amanda doesn't give her a chance. She whirls around and stalks out of the kitchen without putting her shirt back on, Frannie following anxiously behind her, footsteps stomping loudly down the hallway and bedroom door slamming shut.

Olivia stands there for a moment, her hand pressed against her mouth, willing her own tears not to spill over, and then she walks quietly down the hallway, knocking softly on the door before pushing it open. Amanda is standing in the corner of the room, her back to the door with her arms wrapped around herself, and Olivia can see how hard she is shaking, how much she is trying to suppress her emotions.

"Honey, I'm so sorry," she says softly. "I've just been so afraid for you these past several days. Your behavior has been scaring me, Amanda. You've been going through all the motions, but you've just been shut down otherwise. I was worried you were going to do something to yourself."

Amanda doesn't answer or turn around, but Olivia can see her taking a deep breath, unwrapping her arms from around herself, her hands clenched into fists at her sides once again. She walks slowly up behind the smaller woman and places her hands lightly on her shoulders, trailing her fingers down her arms, flinching when Amanda twists away from her and still doesn't turn around. They stand there in silence for a moment, Olivia staring at the other woman's bare back, the weight she has lost in the last week very apparent now, as she is only in her underwear. There is so much she wants to say but doesn't know how to get the words out, is not sure if Amanda will listen to her.

"Liv, if I had known what Eric had done to that girl, I would have killed him in the coffee shop that day," Amanda suddenly whispers, breaking the tense quite between them.

Olivia closes her eyes. "Amanda...you would have ruined your life if you had done that. And it wouldn't have changed what had already happened. He had already hurt her by that point."

"But it might have changed what happened afterwards," Amanda says softly. "She might have had a future if...if I had gotten rid of him, if she had known that she was safe, that there wasn't a chance he would be getting out of prison at some point. And her brother might not be rotting in there for the rest of his life now. He only did exactly what I wanted to do, Liv. How is it fair that I'm free to live my life while hers is over and his has effectively ended?"

Olivia sighs deeply, her heart aching for the other woman. "Amanda, remember when you told me that night last week that life isn't fair? Well, you were right, it isn't. No one knows that better than you, with the things you have gone through. But honey, you made different choices than they did. You chose to keep fighting, to keep trying to dig yourself out of this dark hole, instead of ending things. And you didn't pull that trigger when you had the gun on Eric that day."

"Liv, I didn't pull the trigger because you jumped on top of me before I could," Amanda mumbles. She finally turns around, fixing Olivia with a weary look. "And maybe they made different choices because they didn't see any other way to do things; because there didn't seem to be any way out." There is a short pause. "Look, I'm not as strong as you are, okay? I've tried to be. I've tried very hard. And I've wanted you to see me as someone who is strong and capable and equal to you, but you don't see it, do you? You don't see it because I'm not. You see me as weak and pathetic, someone who needs to be babysat like a child so I don't do terrible things to myself."

"Amanda!" Olivia whispers, aghast, tears welling up in her eyes again. "That is absolutely untrue!" She swallows around the lump in her throat, willing herself not to cry. "How can you say that to me? How can you not know that I think you're the strongest person I've ever met? That you have more courage than anyone I've ever known? You've been to hell and back and you're still here, willing to fight, even when you're at your lowest and on the verge of giving up." She takes a shuddering breath. "I admire the hell out of you, Amanda, and I wish you could see yourself the way I do. I know it's going to take a long time for that confidence that you lost to come back, but it will. And then maybe you will see yourself as I do, as Fin and Carisi do. I don't care how long it takes; I'm not giving up on you."

Amanda is staring at her now, her chin trembling and unshed tears swimming in her big blue eyes.

"And you are not weak and pathetic because you have these self destructive urges. There is nothing weak and pathetic about you. And I'm only watching out for you because I want you to be safe, I want you to be healthy and well. I'm so crazy in love in with you and I don't want to lose you." Olivia swipes a finger underneath one of her eyes, feeling the moisture pooled there.

Amanda is digging the heels of her hands into her closed eyelids now, still shaking uncontrollably and looking like she is desperately trying to reign in her emotions, and Olivia takes another step toward her, frowning when the smaller woman backs away from her again.

"Amanda, why won't you let me touch you?"

The other woman's breath hitches in her throat. "Because I'm going to break."

"Honey, it's okay," Olivia says gently, her chest feeling tight, wanting more than anything to reach out and take Amanda into her arms, but refraining from doing so. "You've been so stoic, so quiet this past week. It's okay to show some emotion with everything that's happened. I'm surprised you've been able to hold it in for this long."

"I have to," Amanda whispers, still covering her eyes. "I have to hold it in or it's not going to stop. I'm trying to be strong here, Liv, I'm trying to be better, I'm trying to control myself."

"You don't have to do that with me," Olivia whispers back, reaching out to tentatively take hold of her hands and pull them away from her face. "And you _are_ strong, Amanda."

The other woman doesn't back away this time and they stand there in the corner of the dark bedroom, holding onto each other's hands and staring intently at one another, Frannie having flopped onto the bed and fallen back asleep, apparently deciding that she is no longer interested in all of the drama.

"Liv, if I had said something in the hospital that day, after my memory had come back, if I hadn't been so consumed with my own pain and selfishness, things might have turned out differently." A tear that has been clinging to the detective's lashes breaks free and rolls down her cheek, and Olivia leans over to wipe it away with her thumb.

"Why didn't I listen to you that day?" Amanda continues softly, her tone ragged. "Why didn't I just do what I was supposed to do? Just get the damn rape kit over and done with and answer your questions about Eric, give you the proper information so he would have been caught sooner?"

"Amanda, don't take this the wrong way, but listening to me and actually doing what you're told are not two of your strengths," Olivia replies gently, feeling a tear slip down her own cheek now. "And you're right, things might have turned out differently and we will never know that for sure, but I will say that it is highly unlikely that we would have caught him before he hurt that woman. He hurt her that night, Amanda, and you weren't even coherent until that afternoon. Even after you were able to have a proper conversation, you still weren't entirely with it. You had a concussion and you were on medication and you were traumatized. You can't keep blaming yourself for everything that has happened."

Amanda is silent for a moment, staring at the floor, and Olivia squeezes her hands. "What are you thinking about, honey?"

Amanda bites her lip and looks up at her, and Olivia's breath catches at her anguished expression. "Just that sometimes I wish...I wish-"

"What?" Olivia whispers, staring back at her. "What do you wish?"

"That day in the coffee shop, when Eric was holding the gun on me, I wish he had-"

"You wish he had what?" Olivia is holding her breath now, dread blooming within her, not wanting the other woman to finish her sentence.

Amanda suddenly stops talking, like she has read her mind, and steps up to her, putting one hand on her waist and the other on the back of Olivia's head, threading her fingers through her thick dark tresses and pulling her face down so their lips meet.

"Hey, hey," Olivia says gently, pulling away from her carefully. "Honey, you need to stop doing this kind of thing every time you decide you're done with a conversation. We need to talk about this."

"I don't want to talk anymore," Amanda murmurs. "I want to feel something other than sadness and despair. You make me feel good, Liv." She pauses for a moment. "Even when you piss me off."

Olivia smiles slightly and wraps her arms around her as the smaller woman leans into her taller form, resting her head on her shoulder, and she presses her lips into Amanda's hair, inhaling the scent of strawberry shampoo. "You make me feel good too, even when you piss me off," she whispers. "I love you so much, Amanda, and I don't want anything to happen to you." She swallows hard and feels the other woman's arms tighten around her.

"I love you too, Liv. And nothing's going to happen, I promise. I'm going to keep trying, I'm going to be strong. I just have some black thoughts sometimes, when everything gets to be a little too much. It doesn't mean I'm going to hurt myself, okay? They're just thoughts, they're not actions."

"Well, that's understandable," Olivia says softly, wanting to say more, but she can't seem to rid herself of the constant ache in her chest so she pulls Amanda impossibly closer to her, the two of them standing entwined together in the corner of the bedroom.

Her hands are gliding up and down the smaller woman's bare back now, her skin like satin under her touch, and she hears Amanda give a soft sigh, feels the other woman's hands slipping underneath her own pajama shirt and coming into contact with her skin, a shiver running through her as Amanda's fingers trace over her ribs and then grip her sides more firmly. Despite the disturbing nature of their conversation, Olivia can't help wanting to be closer to the small blonde, her thoughts traveling along the same line as Amanda's now, just wanting the other woman to feel good and forget about everything for a brief moment, happy that she is the one who is able to do that for her, but feeling conflicted as well, as she knows there is still more to talk about, still much that has been left unsaid. Her emotions are constantly being pulled in different directions whenever she is with the blonde detective and her brain whirls in a dizzying array of thoughts and feelings.

Amanda's lips are pressed against her own again, more eager now, and she finds herself responding this time, deepening the kiss, her hands sliding down the smaller woman's spine and slipping into the back of her panties, massaging the firm muscles she finds there, and hears Amanda's sharp intake of breath, feels the blonde detective pull away briefly to slide her underwear down her legs and step out of them before kissing Olivia again.

The kiss becomes more heated and intense and Olivia tries to direct them over to the bed, with the intention of gently nudging Frannie onto the floor and out of the room, but Amanda has other ideas; can't seem to wait, having finally been broken out of the dazed silence she has been wandering around in for the past week, and it becomes quite obvious that she wants to feel something other than her own darkness.

Olivia's breath hitches in her throat as Amanda takes her hand into her own, slipping two of Olivia's fingers into her mouth, her tongue swirling around the digits before guiding her hand down her body, spreading her legs slightly and raising herself up onto her tiptoes, Olivia's fingers sliding into warm, wet heat. She hears another sharp breath being drawn by the younger woman and Amanda's hands are gripping her shoulders for balance now as she settles back onto her feet, another sound that is somewhere between a sigh and moan working its way out of the smaller woman's throat as she begins to ride Olivia's hand; and she lets out a soft moan herself now, licking her lips as she watches Amanda writhe against her, the blonde detective's head thrown back and her eyes squeezed shut.

 _"Fuck_ , Olivia," she hears Amanda gasp, and Olivia feels the warmth pooling between her own legs now, the arousal wrapped around her so completely, the smaller woman so hot and tight against the fingers, the breathy sounds flowing continuously out of her mouth driving her crazy with own need.

"Oh my god, Amanda," she moans, her heavy-lidded eyes fixed intently on the other woman, grasping onto her tightly as Amanda jerks in her embrace, feels the detective's muscles clenching around her fingers, a flood of moisture against her hand, and then Amanda's head is bowed, leaning into her chest as her breath comes out in short pants.

Olivia herself is breathing very hard, feeling sweat matting her hair to her brow now, and she is so turned on, it is all she can do to just stand there for a moment, stroking the younger woman's back as she comes down from her high, instead of picking her up and tossing her onto the bed and continuing where they had left off.

Amanda is shaking against her and for a brief second Olivia is sure it is because she is still coming down from the intensity, from the release, from the sudden need for intimacy after not allowing herself to be touched for the majority of the past week. But then she hears a sniffle, another sharp intake of breath that is different this time, and she frowns, trying to pull the other woman away from her to get a look at her face.

"Hey, sweetheart, what's wrong?" Olivia whispers as she realizes that Amanda is sobbing into her shoulder, and for a moment she is stricken, a spike of pain in her chest at the thought that she might have hurt the other woman, might have done something she hadn't wanted her to do, and the feelings only intensifies when Amanda is suddenly pulling away from her.

"Hey, hey!" she cries in alarm, feeling guilt and concern pierce through her, not understanding the situation. "Amanda, what happened? What's going on?"

The other woman lets out an anguished sob, covering her face and turning away from her, and Olivia is horrified, grabbing onto her from behind, not wanting to scare her but desperately needing to know what is happening. Amanda is bent over in her embrace, hands on her knees as she cries harder than Olivia has ever seen her, and she feels her own tears pooling in her eyes again, sliding one after the other down her cheeks.

"It's okay," she soothes, her heart racing in her chest as she continues to murmur nonsense words into Amanda's ear, as it is obvious that the smaller woman is unable to get a hold of herself long enough to talk.

Olivia has pressed her taller body against Amanda's back, her grip tight around her waist, holding onto the other woman as she quakes and shudders in her arms, and then gently lowers them to the floor when she feels the detective's knees begin to buckle, holding Amanda on her lap now. The younger woman is no longer struggling to get away and instead pushes her face into Olivia's chest, hands clenched onto the front of her pajama shirt, crying like she will never stop, and Olivia realizes what has happened; that it has nothing to do with her, that the stoic, silent damn of the past week has finally been broken and that Amanda just needs to get everything out, needs to release all of the pent-up emotions that have been locked up inside of her, needs to know that it is okay to cry and still be strong.

"Just let it out, honey, I've got you," Olivia whispers, rocking her back and forth gently, smoothing a hand over her tangled blonde locks and leaning her face down to press against the smaller woman's cheek. "This had to come out sometime; it's okay, you're going to feel better."

Amanda cries hard for a very long time, her broken sobs shredding Olivia's heart to pieces and her own tears still running in rivulets down her face, but she holds on tightly, not letting go, knowing this is good for the smaller woman, that she needs to get it all out in order to continue healing.

"S-sorry, Liv," Amanda finally stutters out, her breath hitching as she finally speaks, letting out a soft hiccup.

"Don't apologize, sweetheart," she murmurs, still rocking her from side to side, feeling the other woman shuddering from time to time, and then leaning weakly against her, exhausted and spent. "This was a good thing. You needed this." She pauses briefly. "And you're still strong, Amanda, you're still a fighter, so don't you dare say otherwise."

Amanda is quiet against her for a moment and Olivia hears her drawing in a deep breath. "Liv," she says softly. "I think part of being strong and being able to move forward is owning up to your own mistakes, even if they can't be rectified, even if it's after the fact."

Olivia frowns and pulls away slightly to look down at her. "Okay...where are you going with this, Amanda?"

"I want to go to the prison," the smaller woman says quietly. "I want to visit the man who set up Eric's murder." She hesitates. "And I want to talk to Reese Taymor."

Olivia closes her eyes. "Amanda...

"This isn't about absolving my guilt, Liv. I want to say sorry. I want them to know how truly sorry I am for everything that has happened."

"Honey, _you_ are not the one who hurt these people," Olivia states firmly. " _Nothing_ is your fault, do you understand me?"

"But I _did_ hurt them, Liv," Amanda whispers. "I hurt them with my silence."

Olivia swallows hard, not knowing what to say, unsure if there is any point in arguing since Amanda now sounds so determined, no matter how excruciating it is to listen to; to realize that the other woman actually believes what she is saying, thinking she is partly to blame for everything that has happened, even though that couldn't be further from the truth. "Honey...I'm not sure how amendable they would be to hearing what you have to say, if I'm being entirely honest. I can only begin to imagine the emotions that are involved right now, especially with what just happened with Eric."

"I need to do this, Liv," Amanda replies, a hint of steel in her tone now. "Remember what you said a little while ago about making choices? About how life isn't fair, but sometimes life is based on the choices we make. I need to acknowledge the choices I have made in the past and how they have impacted others."

Olivia feels a sharp twist of pain inside her chest. "Amanda, I know you don't like this word, but you are a victim here, just as much as they are. You don't have to apologize for that."

"I want to talk to them, Olivia," Amanda responds, a finality to her words now. "Even if I'm making a huge mistake, even if it doesn't end up being the right thing to do, I need to speak with them. I need closure for myself and maybe I can try to give them some closure as well. I want them to know that I am so truly sorry for what they have been through."

Olivia sighs and hugs the smaller woman more firmly against her chest, her heart racing and her thoughts in turmoil again. It takes everything in her to stop herself from arguing, to just agree with Amanda and to acknowledge that the detective is free to make her own decisions, is free to take her own actions.

"Okay, Amanda," she finally says.


	10. Chapter 10

**This is the final chapter. I feel like this story has run its course and I'm ready to move on to other ideas. I'm working on my next fic and I have another idea or two, as well. Thank you for continuing to read and review, even when things got extremely dark and bogged down with detail. I appreciate each and every review and private message and they honestly make my day! This chapter takes place a few months after the previous one and is quite a bit lighter, although it is again rated "M" for sexual content.** _  
_

xxxxxxxxxx

Amanda knows it is raining before she even opens her eyes, the water dripping insistently from the ceiling above her, splashing onto her forehead and dribbling down her cheeks to pool onto the pillow below her. She cracks a tired eyelid open to gaze upwards, and then winces in surprise as a drop of liquid catches her right in the eye, turning over in the bed with an irritated grunt.

"Something the matter?" an amused voice asks from beside her, and Amanda sees Olivia watching her, one eyebrow raised in question and a slight challenge in her tone.

"Nope," she replies lightly.

"Okay, good. For a minute, I thought you were going to complain about something."

"What would I have to complain about?" Amanda asks innocently, and her lip turns up in a small smirk as she and Olivia regard each other in the early morning light, neither one of them backing down.

It has become a strange sort of challenge between them since she has moved back in with the older woman, this time to stay; the stubborn ceiling leak only becoming worse over time, the water damage more noticeable every time it rains, but neither one of them making a move to fix it, each claiming they are too busy to get it done. Amanda knows she can't utter a word of complaint now that she is a full-time occupant of this apartment, now that the home is just as much hers as it is Olivia's, having moved out of her own apartment for good a couple of months prior, and she wisely keeps her mouth shut on the topic.

It is an odd thing to argue about, a strange thing to avoid, a leak in the ceiling just a minor annoyance among the chaos of their everyday lives on the job, the insanity and darkness of the demons that Amanda has been working so hard to conquer over the past several months, but both remain adamant that the other should be the one to get it fixed, that they don't have the time or energy to waste on something so trivial and mundane, something that easily could have been taken care of a long time ago.

Amanda finds herself enjoying this silly little ritual between them, seeing who can hold out the longest before they crack, something ridiculous to take pleasure in and laugh about when the despair still threatens to swallow her from time to time, threatens to suck her back down into that black hole of self-destruction that she has been working so hard to climb out of. She knows they will have to stop this competition soon, though, and that one of them will actually have to take the initiative to get it done, that the damage is only going to grow much worse over time, and sometimes she wonders if her immaturity has started to rub off on the older woman, Olivia seemingly as amused as she is by their odd little war.

Amanda lays there in the bed, feeling a sudden wave of nervousness course through her now that she is fully awake, and the distraction of the leaky ceiling takes a backseat to what is happening that day. She has finally been allowed to have her gun back and will be taking her first steps back out into field work after a very long break, after working harder than she has ever worked in her life. Although she is determined not to slip backwards this time and is so proud of herself for how far she has come, there is a part of her that is terrified that she will not be able to hold onto it again, this newfound freedom in her job, and she feels like she is walking on shaky ground; that her special talent and ability to screw things up will be at the forefront and she will again lose everything that she has worked so hard for.

It has been three months since Eric was murdered in prison, and there have been a lot of changes over the past while. Amanda had made good on her word after the conversation she and Olivia had engaged in on the night of her breakdown on her bedroom floor, and had reached out to both Reese Taymor and the man who had set up Eric's killing, with surprising results. She had assumed both would be difficult tasks and she had been right on that account, but wrong on another, when she had also assumed that any conversations and interactions with Reese would be infinitely easier, despite the history between them, the guilt and the regret that Amanda carried and the anger and the hurt that she knew Reese carried; but it hadn't turned out that way.

She had contacted the other woman through a social media website after searching for her online, figuring that would be easiest; a non-invasive way to start instead of going through police channels, giving her phone number and telling her to call anytime, that she wanted to apologize for her part in what had happened with Patton and wanted to make sure Reese was doing alright. After what had happened to the woman that Eric had hurt, and what she herself had gone through, Amanda had found herself worrying about Reese, her thoughts even more consumed by the other blonde woman than they previously had been, the nightmares worsening, as she continually wondered if Reese was okay or if she was suffering the way she herself had, the way Eric's other victim had; if she too was doing awful things to try and make it through the day, was feeling hopeless and on the verge of giving up.

She had waited with baited breath for a response, but for weeks there had been nothing, until she had finally received a reply, Reese telling her in no uncertain terms to fuck off and stay out of her life, but Amanda's stubborn nature had shone through and she couldn't just let it go, pleading with the other woman to have a conversation with her, and for awhile they had exchanged short messages back and forth, Reese seeming to warm up to her bit by bit over time, until they had finally spoken on the phone.

Amanda had been wrong again when she had assumed the phone conversation would now be easier because they had been chatting back and forth online for awhile by that point, but it had been horrible, Reese screaming at her and accusing her of trying to assuage her guilt, and Amanda trying desperately to apologize and to ask how she was doing, both of them ending up sobbing and Reese hanging up on her. Amanda fully expected to never hear from her again and had decided to stop pushing so hard, and for a long time she didn't hear a word, until one day the other woman called out of the blue. They had spoken for quite awhile, both of them more calm this time around, and Amanda had been able to say what she needed to say, that she was profoundly sorry for what she had put the other woman through and that if she could go back and change things, she would. Reese had accepted her apology but had said she didn't know if she would ever be able to forgive her, and finally Amanda had no choice but to leave it at that.

Oddly enough, going to the prison to visit the man who had set up Eric's murder had been completely the opposite, the experience very different. Amanda had been so terrified of his reaction to her; her confession that Eric had hurt her first and she had waited too long to say something, and she had thrown up profusely beforehand, had ended up having to bring Olivia with her, had held the other woman's hand throughout the entire conversation; but the man had been gentle, understanding, compassionate, concerned for her despite his own intense pain, not accepting her apology because according to him she had nothing to apologize for. The visit had been strange and emotional and cathartic, and Amanda had continued to visit him on a regular basis, the two of them striking up an odd friendship of sorts, and anytime he had to be in court, she had been there to support him.

She still feels immense shame over the fact that the suicide of the man's sister had been the catalyst for change in her own life, and sometimes she thinks she will never be able to shake the ever-present guilt that it had taken someone else's tragedy, this stranger that she never knew but will be forever linked to by their association with Eric, to finally start pulling her out of her own depths of despair, that stubborn attitude that had seen her through the worst times of her life back in place, and her natural confidence finally starting to shine through again as she tried to claw her way out of the dark.

It has been a much longer road to recovery than Amanda had previously anticipated, and she is still not entirely there yet and honestly doesn't know if she will ever be completely healed. Every time she had managed to pull herself partway out of the dark hole she had fallen into and it looked like she might be able to return to field work and have access to her gun again, she would slip up once more, only to fall even further than before, but she had kept holding on, clinging tenaciously with every ounce of strength she had, determined not to give up. Every time she had the urge to hurt herself, the young woman Eric had raped would be fixed in her mind, and she would stop just before things went too far, knowing that she had to continue living and trying, since the other woman could not. And each time she fell, Olivia was there to catch her and help hoist her back up, true to her word about never giving up on her.

Amanda in turn has been there for Olivia, the other woman much more damaged about the events of the past several months than she had previously let on, and although it has been heartbreaking to watch the woman she loves fight her own battle with darkness, she has been honored to be the one to help her through it, the one Olivia leans on the most. She still sees the psychologist, although not as regularly now, and Olivia has returned to therapy full-time.

Things have been hard on Fin and Carisi over the past several months as well, but they have been extremely supportive teammates and friends and she feels lucky to have them in her life, these men that she can trust without question, that she can be serious with or tease, and she knows they will always have her back, and Olivia's back as well, and she is looking forward to seeing them that day, despite her nervousness. Carisi had just recently started dating a much younger woman, and that has provided some levity in the squad room over the past while, some laughter during the darker moments, although she has to admit that she is getting sick of Fin complaining day in and day out about how much he dislikes her, even though Amanda feels the same.

"Are you okay?" Olivia asks quietly, having correctly read the change of mood in the room, Amanda's levity over the leaky ceiling issue changing to one of reflection and concern about the upcoming day, although there is a tinge of excitement and pride mixing in with the feelings of doubt.

"Yeah, I'm alright," Amanda responds, but she knows her tone isn't very convincing.

Frannie is laying between them and pokes her head out from underneath the covers, giving her face a quick swipe with her tongue as if trying to soothe her, and then hops off the bed and trots out of the room, likely in search of some breakfast.

Olivia snuggles up beside her, pulling Amanda into her embrace and kissing the top of her head. "You'll be fine today, honey. You've worked so hard for this and you're more than ready. This is what you've been waiting months for."

"I just don't want to screw everything up again," Amanda replies, her voice low and uncertain, and she feels the other woman's arms tighten around her.

"You won't," Olivia assures her in a firm tone. "I have faith in you. I think that confident, kick-ass detective got buried for a little while, but she's been in there the whole time, just waiting to come back out. You can do this, Amanda."

"Thanks, Liv," she says softly, feeling overwhelmed with love for this woman who has stuck by her side, no matter what, always ready to cheer her on and give her a boost when she needs it.

"Is there anything I can do to help ease your nerves?" the older woman asks, a hint of playfulness weaving its way through her concerned tone, and Amanda smiles at her appreciatively, eager to keep the mood light and not wanting to start this day on a brooding, serious note.

"Well, there might be something you can do..." she trails off suggestively, and watches as Olivia peels the covers back and lifts up the old football jersey she is wearing, looking unsurprised that Amanda is not wearing any panties underneath. "After all, it's only proper protocol that my boss satisfy me sexually before work everyday."

Olivia sputters out a laugh and rolls her eyes at her, before sliding down her body, Amanda opening her legs to accommodate the other woman's change in position. "Well, it's good to know that I'll never be bored with you around, Amanda," she chuckles, tracing a finger up her side. "You're always keeping me on my toes since I never know what's going to come out of that mouth of yours." She watches Olivia smirk up at her. "And I'm so honored to be the one who gets to fulfill all of your sexual needs."

"Well, I'm certainly glad to hear that, Liv," Amanda replies teasingly, and then her breath catches in her throat as the older woman closes a hand around one of her breasts, thumb circling her nipple and lips kissing a wet pathway down her abdomen.

She can't seem to keep still as she feels Olivia's mouth on her core, tongue stroking her toward oblivion, and she fists her hands in the blankets, wriggling around on the bed as arousal takes the place of any nervousness and concern about the upcoming day. She feels that warmth building in her stomach, the tingling throughout her body, the tightening of her muscles, and knows she is close already.

She is laying sideways across the bed now, Olivia's face buried firmly between her legs, her hands tangled up in the older woman's dark tresses and her head dangling over the side, hair hanging down to the floor in a blonde curtain, when the upside down image of her dog suddenly appears within her field of vision.

"Frannie," Amanda groans in exasperation, reaching out to gently bat her away, and she feels Olivia suddenly stop moving, lips going still against her, and there is a slight pause.

"Did you just moan your dog's name?" the older woman asks a few seconds later, a hint of confusion mixed in with her obvious amusement.

A snort of laughter escapes her mouth, mixing in with a sigh of frustration. "You should have shut the door when Frannie left the room, Liv. Way to kill the mood."

She feels Olivia's chuckles rumbling against the inside of her thigh. "I killed the mood? You're the one saying your pet's name at the most inappropriate time ever."

Amanda laughs harder. "Well, I'm not the one who forgot to close the door again."

"Why is it my responsibility to close the door?" Olivia argues, the mirth still evident in her tone. "It's just as much your door as it is mine."

Amanda sighs. "Like it's just as much my leaky ceiling as it is yours?"

"Yup," Olivia replies, raising her head and grinning at her.

"You know, I think I may have made a mistake moving back in here with you..." Amanda teases, and feels the older woman playfully pinch the inside of her thigh.

"You know Fin will have a fit if you ever move anywhere again," Olivia smirks. "I think you drove him crazier than any of us with your musical apartments game."

"Well, I think it's safe to say that I'll never be moving anywhere without you, Liv," Amanda says softly, smiling at the other woman and giving her a squeeze with her legs, Olivia propped up between her thighs now with her arms folded across her stomach.

Olivia smiles back at her and leans down to place a lingering kiss against her ribs, just below one of her breasts, and Amanda closes her eyes, threading her fingers through the older woman's hair. "I'm glad to hear that," Olivia murmurs. "Because you're never getting rid of me. You're stuck with me now."

"There's no place I'd rather be stuck," Amanda says, her tone serious now. "I love you so much, Liv. I can never thank you enough for everything you've done for me, for your patience and understanding and your willingness to stick by my side even when I would have understood if you had left me, when you had every _right_ to leave me, when my horrible behavior got to be too much."

Olivia crawls up her body, laying gently on top of her and places a soft kiss against her lips. "You don't need to thank me, honey. I will always do everything I can for you, just like you've done for me. Don't forget about that, Amanda. It's not all one-sided here. You've seen me through some pretty tough times too. That's just what you do when you love someone."

Amanda smiles at her and returns the kiss, and then cuddles up into the other woman's embrace after Olivia slides off of her and tucks them back underneath the covers. They are quiet for several minutes, just savoring their time together, listening to the rain outside and watching Frannie wrestle with one of her toys in the corner of the room, Olivia's finger lazily twirling around a strand of Amanda's hair.

As the comfortable silence stretches on, she becomes aware of the fact that her body is still buzzing with arousal, that there is an ache deep inside, a need for release, having been shortchanged by her dog's untimely return to the bedroom. Olivia is still stroking a hand through her hair, seemingly a little distracted by her own thoughts now, and Amanda runs a hand over the jersey she is wearing, fingers slipping underneath the material, sliding a finger between her thighs and meeting a pool of warmth. She can't seem to stop the soft hiss that escapes her lips as her finger picks up the pace, and she feels Olivia move against her, sees her craning her neck to look down at her.

"Amanda, what are you doing?"

"Just taking care of a little business, Liv."

There is silence for a moment. "I could have taken care of that for you," Olivia finally murmurs, sounding surprised and a tad disgruntled.

"You couldn't get the job done, so I had to take matters into my own hands," Amanda says, biting back the urge to laugh at the other woman's stern expression.

"I couldn't get the job done, huh?" Olivia's eyebrow is arched now, her mouth set in a firm line, and Amanda grins cheekily at her boss. "Well, whose fault is that?" Olivia continues. "Your pet seems to be unable to give us any alone time whatsoever."

"She's a dog, Liv, what do you expect? And you know she's an attention whore. She can't help herself."

"I thought we had talked about you taking Frannie to obedience school at some point," Olivia replies, and Amanda can feel her reaching down to place a hand atop her own, her heart rate surging and another sharp spike of arousal coursing through her. "That seems to have fallen by the wayside, though, as it hasn't happened as of yet."

"You want me to take her to obedience school for _this_?" Amanda snorts. "So she can be trained to exit the area every time there's sexual activity in the vicinity? You think she can be trained to sense when her owners are horny and need some alone time?"

Olivia's hands are suddenly digging hard into her ribs and she shrieks in surprise, a laugh bursting from her as the other woman pushes her down onto her back, climbing on top of her and straddling her stomach, trying to look stern as she glares down at her, but Amanda can see the playfulness there and knows she is turning the older woman on, can feel the heat radiating from between her legs her as Olivia sits astride her.

"You know I'm getting a little sick of that smart, sarcastic mouth of yours," her boss says, gaze boring into her own.

Amanda wiggles her eyebrows up and down, tongue poking out of her mouth to run suggestively along her bottom lip. "Oh, yeah?" she responds, her tone challenging. "What are you going to do about it?"

It always send a thrill through her whenever Olivia is the more aggressive, dominant one in their lovemaking, but she is happy that the twisted urge she used to have for the other woman to hurt her seems to have dissipated over time; has been firmly tamped down, and she hasn't mentioned it again and it rarely even comes up in her thoughts now. She loves when Olivia takes charge, but that's as far as it goes, no pain or humiliation whatsoever involved in their sex life.

In answer to her question, Olivia lowers her mouth down, kissing her passionately, working a hand down between their bodies and boldly entering her with two fingers. Amanda gasps into her mouth and can't think of a good comeback for this response, instead squeezing her eyes closed and grabbing Olivia roughly around the waist as she works her hips against the other woman's hand, and feels her walls tightening around Olivia's fingers almost immediately, the orgasm rushing through her so quickly that she lays there a little stunned, trying to catch her breath.

Olivia grins down at her and then picks up the pace of her fingers once again, Amanda moaning loudly, and before she knows it she is coming hard again, and then one more time, before the older woman finally collapses on the bed next to her, sounding just as out of breath as she herself is, and they both lay there panting, no one speaking for several minutes.

"Huh...well, I guess that was a good way to shut me up," Amanda finally says, wiping a hand across her sweaty brow.

"Yup, my favorite way ever," Olivia chuckles, and Amanda looks over at her with a smile, pushing the other woman's unruly hair back from her reddened face. "We should probably get up and start getting ready soon, though," Olivia continues. "We wouldn't want to be late for your first day back in the field."

"Oh, Liv," Amanda replies, rolling her eyes. "Only you would be thinking about work at a time like this. Just relax for a few minutes, okay? We have plenty of time."

There is silence again and Amanda shrugs out of her sweaty jersey, snuggling up to Olivia in the bed, the older woman wrapping her arms around her and pulling her close. Amanda feels loose and relaxed now and fights the urge to doze off, and she knows she has to get back into that motivated mood again; knows that Olivia is right, that they do need to get up and get moving at some point soon.

"Fin and Carisi were mentioning going out to celebrate at some point this weekend," Olivia says, after it has been quiet for awhile. "They're so excited for your return to field work. They're so proud of you."

Amanda has a sudden tight feeling in her chest. "Liv, I'm not sure if that's such a good idea. I think I want to keep things a little more low key this time around. I feel like this is how everything got started last time; we went out to the bar and I couldn't keep myself under control." She pauses and bites her lip. "I feel like I was on really shaky ground at that point, and that night I just stepped over the edge and I couldn't climb back up. Everything spiraled out of control from there."

Olivia is gently stroking her mussed hair back from her face now, and Amanda leans into her touch, closing her eyes. "Honey, you're in a much better place now than you were then. I don't think the same thing will happen this time. And we can just grab something to eat somewhere or we can have the guys over here. There doesn't have to be any alcohol involved. And Carisi wants to bring his new girlfriend again, so she can continue to get to know us better."

"Gee, does that ever sound like fun," Amanda murmurs sarcastically, resisting the urge to roll her eyes at the mention of the ridiculous woman her co-worker had started dating recently; at the forced get-togethers so the rest of the team can spend time with her as well, at the way the woman had grated on her nerves right from the start. "No alcohol _and_ hanging out with Carisi's new girlfriend for the evening? I think I'd just rather stay in and watch a movie."

She hears Olivia's slight chuckle. "You don't like her much, do you?"

Amanda sighs heavily. "Liv, when Carisi first introduced her to us a few weeks ago, she actually told me that she feels like she needs to apologize to people for being so good looking. She said it's not fair to other people that she's so much prettier than they are."

Olivia pulls away from her to fix her with an incredulous look. "What? She actually said that to you?"

Amanda feels a laugh bubbling up inside of her. "Yes, she did. I don't know what Carisi sees in that woman. She's horrible. Well, she _is_ pretty," she adds hastily. "But that doesn't make up for the awful personality."

"You think she's pretty?"

Amanda arches an eyebrow at the other woman's question, picking up on the sudden undercurrent of insecurity in her tone. "You jealous, Livvy?" she teases lightly.

Olivia is silent and Amanda grabs her in a tight hug, pulling her even closer and feeling a wave of affection for the older woman. "Not prettier than you, Liv," she assures her seriously. "That's not possible."

It has amused her as Amanda has discovered over time that Olivia actually has an insecure streak, her tough, strong, badass boss embarrassed about some of the little aspects of their relationship; Olivia questioning her own attractiveness from time to time, concerned that she is too much older than Amanda and might not be seen as pretty enough in her eyes. There is also her ability to get turned on so easily that sometimes their sexual encounters are over with more quickly than Amanda would like, but she knows she has nothing to complain about in that area, especially considering what had just taken place in bed between them that morning. It only endears the other woman to her more, these small insecurities, and only makes her more human in her eyes, more adorable, and she finds herself being protective of Olivia's feelings, not wanting to hurt her, even if she is equal parts amused and can't help teasing her from time to time. And the fact that Olivia will occasionally elude to the notion that she is not pretty enough just makes Amanda shake her head in wonder, as she has never known anymore more gorgeous than the woman lying in bed with her, has never been more attracted to anyone in her entire life.

"Well, she may not be the most pleasant person on the planet, but we should probably at least try to make an effort," Olivia responds. "Carisi seems to really like her. And it will be nice to spend an evening with everyone outside of work."

"Sometimes I think we spend too much time with those guys," Amanda says with a sigh. "You're not the one who has to listen to Fin moan and complain everyday about Carisi not going out drinking with him anymore, how much he can't stand the new girlfriend, and how he feels like a fifth wheel whenever we all go out together. Sometimes I just need a break from all the drama, Liv."

" _You_ need a break from all the drama, Amanda?" Olivia laughs, and Amanda pokes her in the ribs. "Besides, that doesn't seem like something Fin would do. I can't imagine a tough guy like him would say things like that."

"Just because you're not around to hear it, it doesn't mean he's not saying them," Amanda chuckles. "He's different around me, Liv. Every time the two of us are alone, it's all I hear about. I think he's just bitter that his boyfriend has found someone prettier than he is."

She watches Olivia roll her eyes, a smirk pulling at the corner of her mouth. "Amanda, your immaturity knows no bounds, does it? Stop making fun of them so much. Honestly, I feel like I'm back in high school when I talk to you sometimes. You're ridiculous."

"Well, Liv, you're dating a much younger woman, so you have to expect some immaturity from time to time," Amanda replies, trying to keep a straight face.

"You're not _that_ much younger than me," Olivia says in a withering tone.

"Okay, Grandma," Amanda murmurs casually, and then rolls out of the way just in time as the older woman launches a pillow in her direction.

xxxxxxxxxx

When they arrive at the precinct later that morning, the mood is jovial in the squad room and she knows Fin and Carisi are glad that is able to return to the field with them, so happy and proud of her. They banter back and forth as they gather around to discuss their current cases, planning how the day ahead will play out, and Amanda feels a relief, a peacefulness that she hasn't felt in months wrapping around her and winding its way through her system. Her determination to do better at her job, to make more of an effort, has been apparent to everyone, and it has been so long since she has missed a day of work or been late, that the topic of conversation hasn't been brought up for ages now, the guys seeming to forget to tease her about her previous behavior and accepting the fact that she has turned over a new leaf and intends to keep it that way.

One of the cases they are working on involves a string of unsolved rapes of middle-aged professional women in the area, and the man whose name has popped up a few times over the course of the investigation, a man who is at the top of their suspect list, has managed to elude them thus far and they have been unable to locate him to bring him in for questioning.

It is halfway through the day when they get a tip about this particular man, seen threatening a woman at a convenience store several blocks away from the precinct before taking off, unconfirmed reports of a weapon on his person. They are out the door immediately, Amanda hot on the heels of the rest of her squad, heart rate suddenly rocketing sky high, and she has to bite the inside of her cheek to suppress the grin that is threatening to spread across her face at such an inappropriate moment. She feels the familiar rush of adrenaline as they leave the precinct together, a rush she hasn't felt for a very long time, the thrill of being back out on the streets, a part of the action once again, and feels a swell of pride that the bulletproof vest she is wearing matches her teammates and that her gun is securely back on her hip where it belongs, once more a full part of the squad.

She and Olivia are riding in separate vehicles, and she can feel the older woman's eyes on her as she ducks inside the car, Olivia climbing into the one next to hers. She shoots her boss a reassuring smile, winking briefly at her and hoping no one else has noticed, and Olivia smiles back at her, although there is a slight hesitation there, a hint of worry in her dark gaze, and Amanda gives her the thumbs up sign through the passenger window as her vehicle pulls out of the parking spot. She knows Olivia is concerned for her, despite the older woman's assurances that she will do fine back out in the field, and Amanda is aware of the fact that they both need to pull it together while they are away from the station, that they need to be alert and on their game, that they can each trust that the other will have the backs of the rest of their teammates and that they won't let any personal feelings get in the way of doing the job, and she is adamant that she will be able to prove herself, resolute in the fact that she is back where she belongs and can do the job properly.

Any nervousness and uncertainty she had felt upon waking that day has faded away as they circle slowly throughout the area of the convenience store, eyes peeled for the man they are on the lookout for, Fin in the driver's seat and Amanda perched on the edge of the passenger seat next to him, ready to bolt out of the car at a moment's notice. Olivia and Carisi are in the vehicle behind them and there are several other police cars in the area as well now, and Amanda can feel it in her bones, that they are closing in on the suspect and that he will not be able to elude them this time.

The New York streets are packed with people on their lunch breaks, and she scans the crowds with a practiced eyes, frowning intently while trying to catch sight of anyone who matches the description they have of the man they are looking for. The other officers are talking constantly through their radios, keeping each other informed, and there have been a few sightings so far, some of them exiting their vehicles to speak with certain people throughout the surrounding streets, but it is quickly confirmed that they still don't have the suspect they are looking for and they continue their search.

Fin asks how Amanda is doing and if she feels okay being back out in the field so far, and she is about to answer him when her eyes lock on someone weaving their way frantically through the crowd on the sidewalk, a tall man, blonde and lean. They way he is moving and looking around, his movements jerky and uncoordinated, like he is trying to avoid being seen but is doing a poor job of it, and how is trying to quickly exit the immediate area, catches Amanda's attention, and she notices right away that he matches the description of the person they are looking for.

"I think that's him!" she says. "Pull over, Fin." Her partner jerks the car to a stop against the curb, immediately on his radio, and she is out of the vehicle like a shot, Olivia's car pulling up behind them, the door swinging open and Carisi quick on her heels.

The man doesn't notice them at first and they are almost upon him, choosing not to alert him to their presence right away as they skirt quickly around the throngs of people spilling out of the stores and milling about on the sidewalk, when he suddenly turns around and locks eyes with Amanda, raising his eyebrows in apparent surprise that there are cops right on his tail, about to close in on him. She can see his hand tucked inside his jacket, like he is reaching for something, and she is immediately on her guard.

"Stop, police!" she yells, hand reaching for her gun, but he is taking off, apparently deciding it is against his better judgement to use a weapon in such a crowded area, and he disappears briefly into the sea of people before reappearing again, taller than almost everyone else, his blonde head standing out and bobbing through the crowd as he runs.

She pumps her legs as hard as she can, sprinting after him and almost colliding with a group of teenage girls laughing and taking pictures outside of a clothing store, determined to keep him in her sights and not let him get away.

"Do you see him?" Carisi yells, still a step behind her.

"Yeah, he's right up ahead!" Amanda yells back, gesturing quickly and frowning as she watches the man duck behind a pizza shop, into the alleyway.

She is immediately reminded of Olivia with a gun to her head in an alley likely looking much like this one, and she pushes the image of the woman she loves out of her mind, concentrating hard as they creep along the wet garbage-strewn ground, slick with rainwater and muck, guns drawn and alert for any activity. There are giant garbage bins lining the alley, and she can hear rustling up ahead and squints into the sudden darkness, the misty rain and the surrounding buildings casting shadows into the alley and making the day appear gloomier. Her hair is slicked back into a ponytail away from her face, but an errant wet strand has caught on her cheek, close to her eye, and she resists the urge to reach up and wipe it away, keeping both hands firmly on her gun.

They are almost at the other side when Amanda sees the tall form of the man they are chasing slink around the corner of a building, and she cautiously follows him, gun at the ready, peering around the corner after him. Carisi is across from her, his movements mirroring hers, when he suddenly catches his foot on the edge of one of the bins, cursing under his breath, and that split second of distraction is all that it takes, Amanda glancing at him quickly to ask if he is alright, and then she is suddenly yanked around the corner, feet flying out from under her, flat out on her back on the pavement.

She is momentarily stunned and furious with herself, the thought that she is not yet back on her game occurring briefly to her, heart hammering as she looks wildly around for the man they are pursuing, expecting him to be there, right on top of her, but he isn't. He has backed away from her, looking uncertain now, as if he had meant to do more but had lost his nerve, his hand fumbling inside his coat, giving Amanda time to raise her own gun again, training it on him as steadily as she can from her position on the ground as he pulls his weapon out at the exact same time.

For a split second she is frozen there, her breath caught in her throat, as she finds herself staring down the barrel of a gun for the first time since the hostage situation with Eric, the first time this is actually taking place in reality and not in a drill. Images of the man who had beaten and raped her are swirling through her mind now, images of Olivia whom she knows is close by and will probably be here at any moment, and she remembers with alarming accuracy how it had felt that day to be so close to death, to be hanging onto her life so precariously, that one move by someone else, someone whose actions she had no control over, could end things forever. She swallows hard as she and the man stare intently at one another, Carisi's gun trained on him now as well, and she wills herself to stay in the moment, to be in the present situation, and not allow herself to be sucked into any flashbacks.

"Put it down!" Amanda screams, struggling up into a sitting position, wincing internally as the gun aimed at her trembles slightly as if the man holding it is not accustomed to its weight, its size, the way it is supposed to feel in his hand.

"I'm not putting it down just because some little blonde bitch tells me to," the man in front of her sneers. "You're too pretty to be a cop, lady. You could be putting that body to better use."

Amanda's stomach tightens at his words and she grits her teeth, willing the stubborn images of Eric to stay out of her head, but she notices that the suspect's expression doesn't match his tone; that he looks as uncertain as his actions have been, sees the gun shake in his grip again, and figures he is just putting on a show to cover up his terror.

Carisi is trying to talk the man down, his tone low and somewhat soothing, and Amanda knows that he has noticed the other man's demeanor as well, and she slowly gets to her feet as the suspect's attention is focused on her colleague, never taking her eyes off of the man and her gun trained steadily on him, the barest hint of a tremor running through her hand before it is gone. They are in a dingy parking lot surrounded by buildings, the pavement giving way to gravel, and she sees in her peripheral vision that they are no longer by themselves, that there are several other officers slowly emerging from the surrounding alleyways. She can see both Olivia and Fin out of the corner of her eye and it takes everything she has in her not to throw a quick glance at the woman she loves, continuing to stare straight ahead at the man whose attention is focused back on her, now that she is on her feet again.

"Look how many of us there are now," Amanda says, her voice calm and belying the fact that her heart is thumping so profusely she wouldn't be surprised if it was noticeable through her bulletproof vest. "You have nowhere to go. It's over."

"I can't go to prison," the man replies, his voice coming out in a whine now. "They're going to kill me in there."

"Why would they have reason to kill you?" Amanda asks, one eyebrow arched in curiousity. "Did you do something that might give other people a reason to be angry with you?"

"I didn't do anything," the man mutters, gun still aimed straight at her, but there is a trace exhaustion in his expression now, like he is tired of the situation.

"Well, if you didn't do anything, then there would be no reason to kill you, would there?" Amanda answers rationally.

The man bites his lip as he stares at her, all the bravado gone from him now. "I didn't do anything," he repeats, a pleading note in his tone. "I didn't rape those women, okay? I know that's why you were looking for me. But if everyone thinks I did, they're going to kill me in there. I know how it is in prison for people like me..."

"People like you?" Amanda echos with a slight tilt of her head. "But you just said you didn't rape anyone."

The man looks like he is on the verge of tears now and she can see the other officers creeping slowly toward him now that his attention seems to be fully diverted by her, but his back is to the wall, he has full view of everyone, and there is no way to sneak up on him without him noticing, and Amanda knows everyone is weighing their options, trying to decide whether or not to take a shot at him, can still see Olivia out of the corner of her eye, standing stock still and silent, her gun trained on the suspect, and knows she is listening intently to the conversation, ready to make a move at a second's notice.

"I just don't want to die," the man pleads, and she thinks she can see tears gathered in the corners of his eyes now. "Don't make me shoot you."

"You do that and you'll be dead before you hit the ground," Amanda replies, ice in her tone now. "You think these other cops are going to let some sleazebag like you take down one of their own? Let's just cut the bullshit, okay? Put your damn gun down so we can all get on with our day."

"I'm so sick of women like you," the man sighs wearily. "What right do you have to behave this way, to do whatever you want? So brash and cocky, thinking you're better than everyone else, better than _me_. Women like you don't even give me the time of day, you look right through me like I don't even exist. It shouldn't be this way. You should know your place."

"And I'm so sick of men like _you_ ," Amanda snarls back at him. "What right do _you_ have to prey upon women who don't do what you want, who don't act the way you want them to? Men like you just inflict pain and terror and you get off on it on. It's sick and wrong and it shouldn't be this way. You should know _your_ place."

They stare intently at one another for a moment, gazes locked, and for a split second she sees something flash in the man's eyes, her heart giving a sharp leap in her chest as her finger hovers over the trigger of her weapon, and she braces herself for impact, hoping that she will be able to shoot first, but then it is over, the man holding a hand up in the air and gently lowering his gun. He is immediately surrounded by cops and is roughly pushed to the ground, weapon whisked away from him and out of his reach, arms being twisted behind his back and handcuffs placed around his wrists.

Amanda stands there for a moment, not moving, her heart still galloping in her chest and takes a deep breath, willing it to slow down, assuring herself that she is safe, her teammates are safe, and another scumbag has just been taken off the streets and will hopefully be brought to justice and won't be able to hurt anyone ever again.

She is suddenly surrounded by Olivia and Fin and Carisi, her teammates gathered around her in a tight little circle and she can see the pride on their faces, the relief that she is safe, but can also feel the worry radiating off of them and knows they are trying not to make a big deal of out what has just happened, that they don't want to put her on the spot, that Amanda has been the center of attention far too many times over the past several months and that she would prefer to keep things low key.

"Good job, partner," Fin says softly, gripping her shoulder tightly, and Amanda smiles at him as her heart rate begins to slow, the adrenaline draining from her and leaving her feeling a little wobbly on her feet.

"Yeah, Amanda, you did great," Carisi adds, and his tone is a little sheepish. "Sorry about that back in the alley there. I didn't mean to trip like some nervous rookie cop."

"It's okay, Carisi," she responds, directing her smile at him now. "You did great too. Thanks for helping me talk him down."

"Anytime," he replies, touching her arm briefly, and then he and Fin move away, giving her a moment alone with Olivia.

"Amanda, you were amazing," the older woman says quietly, and Amanda can see that is it taking all of Olivia's willpower not to reach out and touch her, and she has to fight her own urge to wrap her arms around the woman she loves and bury her face in her shoulder. "I'm so damn proud of you."

"Thanks, Liv," she whispers, feeling a blush creep across her cheeks, that smile still on her lips, and she sees the older woman regarding her intensely now.

"Are you okay, Amanda?"

She finds herself staring at Olivia, at this woman who has become the love of her life, her everything; and maybe it is because she has just been put in yet another life and death situation, but she suddenly feels overwhelmed with emotion, all of the events of the past several months leading up to this moment right here, right now, something amazing coming out of all the horror she has been through. She has found the person she was meant to spend the rest of her life with, has realized that she had never lost her courage and bravery, that she is strong and capable, and that everything has just been in hiding, tamped down until she was ready to see it again, until she was ready for it to come back up to the surface.

For the first time Amanda finds herself able to take a step back from everything, to look at her life differently, to see how far she has come, what she has accomplished, and how much has changed. She feels as if she is ready to move forward with even more resolve now, more determination, and her future seems to stretch out before her, untainted with past events; a future with a job she loves, with teammates who adore her like a sister, and a woman who means more to her than anyone in the world.

"Are you okay?" Olivia asks again, her brow furrowed now when she doesn't respond right away. "Be honest with me, Amanda." She can see the soft love and pride on Olivia's face, but can hear the concern in her tone, the firmness in her voice as the older woman stares intently at her.

She finds herself grinning up at the woman she loves and when she speaks her next words, she knows them to be true. "Yeah, Liv, I'm okay. I'm great, actually."

Olivia is grinning back at her and Amanda sees her glancing around surreptitiously before reaching out to give her hand a brief, tight squeeze, the love and pride shining out of the older woman's face like a sunbeam now, lending her a bright glow in the gloominess of the day.

She squeezes the other woman's hand back just as tightly before pulling away, a lightness in her chest that she can't remember feeling before, and her grin broadens when she hears Olivia's next words, satisfaction and happiness coursing through her entire body.

"Welcome back, Amanda."


End file.
